How to Appear Famous

This is the latest video by myself and Craig. Enjoy.

I Went Through Thailand on a Horse with No Name

My cousin Dante has come to meet me in Thailand. We have heard that one night in Bangkok makes a hard man crumble. This is actually false, it takes 3. After waking up one morning with bits of fried grasshopper in my teeth (eaten the night before), we realized the city was too much, and we fled northwards for peace.

When deposited into a mountain/jungle paradise such as northern Thailand, what do you do? Get massages? Take a yoga course or a cooking course? No. You rent motorcycles and you terrorize the countryside. It rocked. We swam in waterfalls, climbed through caves, drove around elephants, jumped over fences, and obviously, sampled local beverages. Several things on my to-do list have now been crossed off. See below.

Ride an elephant. check.
See an elephant play harmonica and demostrate the doppler effect simultaneously. check.
See a monkey shoot baskets. check.
Eat fried bugs. check.
Ride motorcycle in a place that is not Manila. check.
Sing karaoke at an outdoor Thai festival. check.
Introduce Thailand to Halloween. Not checked off yet.
Hi-five the king of Thailand. Not check off yet.
One night left, hopefully i can make those last two happen.

How to Make a 5 Minute Chocolate Cake

Craig and I have made a new video. Check it out.



We are also busily working on another. Look for that soon.

A One Minute Tour of Awesometown

I have a new place in Manila. As you can probably guess, it is called Awesometown. Check out this one minute tour. You may also notice my new ability to make text dance in videos. I am about to enter a new era. Enjoy.

I Like to Ride my Bicycle, through Holland

The summer is over and I am now back in Manila. However, I have returned to a storm of shit that makes those frogs that Moses sent raining down on Egypt look like a spring shower. Fortunately, for you the reader, this blog is not the proper forum to go into that. Let’s talk about Holland.

After leaving Amsterdam, I worked my south via train, sleeping occasionally but mainly renting bicycles to see the countryside. This worked great until I got to Rotterdam, and then had my bicycle stolen, despite the fact that it had more chains around it than Mr. T. Obviously I wasn’t getting the deposit back, but I figured to keep myself from being charged even more, it was best to flee the country.

Here are 6 pics taken before I become a fugitive.

I sought sanctuary in Dusseldorf, Germany with my Dutch friend Harmen. Harmen has 3 amazing abilities: fast walking, fast talking, and fast drinking. Through this combination, the walking Dutchman convinced me to go back to Amsterdam for another weekend of debauchery. Which I did. We did nothing cultural, and instead remained highly focused on belligerence. Thus, I have no pictures (mercifully) from that final push through the bricked streets of Amsterdam.

Amstergoddam!

On my last night in hamburg i made the mistake of combining large quantities of beer and sauerkraut. Thus i needed some time off of toxins. Too bad i was soon on a train to Amsterdam, where the city slogan is "Amsterdam, where if you ask about it, it's probably legal."

I found a room in a hostel that i felt quite at home in since it had a population density similar to manila. only cleaner. after exploring for 30 minutes on foot, i was told by the police i needed to rent a bicycle or they were not going to be able to control the crowds of people laughing at me. renting a bike is easy, except for the 1.5 hour course you have to take on how to use all 5 locking mechanisms to keep the bike from being stolen. i felt i got a good price until a friend of mine purchased a stolen bike for only 20 euros. he was also cooler than me, since his a stolen item.

I met 2 vikings from Norway and an Australian, so we went off explore the city. similar to Hamburg, i needed to compare the Amsterdam Red Light District to Burgos St., Manila. here's how they competed.

Dirtier: winner is Amsterdam.
Cheaper: winner is Burgos
Most Eastern Europeans in glass window booths: winner is Amsterdam

We soon realized that the red light district was not really for us though, and we concentrated on our forte, which was pubs. once i again, i saw the sun rise.

the next day i went to some museums, the only problem is that after a night out in Amsterdam, even Van Gogh's freakiest shit seems pretty tame.

Hamburg Ala Gants

BubbleShare: Share photos - Play some Online Games.


First i went to Berlin. It was impressive, but the Stassi of the GDR confiscated my film, so there are no photos of the communistic splendor.

Then i went to Hamburg to visit the illustrious Mark Gants and his girlfriend Anja. A highlight was when we investigated the Reeperbahn. This was important research, as i needed to answer the questions that everyone back home in Manila wants to know.

Q: Can the Reeperbahn really be dirtier than Manila's red light district of Burgos St?
A: No

Q: Is it bigger than Burgos?
A: Yes.

So big in fact, that we partied all night there. Then at about 6 am, everyone starts shuffling like zombies downhill to the harbour, for the famous Sunday Fish Market. It is like a slow motion parade. And do the zombies want fish? No way. There is live music, coffee, pastries, and of course, more booze. Like good zombies, we partook of everything.

One of my other favorite activities was when the three of us canoed through the canals of Hamburg. It was like a high class version of an Ozark, Missouri float trip. I saw and did much more, but i have no more time to write. i must rest.

Because.....tomorrow i visit those bicycle riding, sub-sea-level dwelling, windmill building people known as the Dutch. Who live in Holland. Also called the Netherlands. Which has confused American school children for years.

Reykjavik has been Rocked

When i bought my ticket to Europe, i was surprised at how cheap it was. but then i realized it was because it was going to take me about 48 hours to fly there. Why? Well, partially because of a 12 hour layover in Reykjavik, Iceland! But as the saying goes, "When life gives you lemons, go look for Vikings."

I had a few goals during this 12 hours.........

* Find a t-shirt that says, "Ringo Rocked Reykjavik."
* Drink grog with a Viking.
* Venture outside the airport in a snowstorm, and then when darkness falls, cut open the Ton-Ton beast that i am riding, and sleep inside it to stay warm.

I accomplished none of these. but i did leave visit the city, and did the following.

* Found t-shirt above.
* Visited a viking museum.
* Drank Viking beer.
* Walked around in the rain, and got cold.

on to Duetschland!

Happy New Year Missouri!

The year of the Ringo started well with a Cardinal baseball victory in St. Louis. I then looked for another good omen as I travelled to Columbia. I was greatly relieved to see the Columns of Mizzou still standing. Omen granted.

Things were almost derailed on my way to Kansas Cityby the not-too-surprising fact that occasionally, Greyhound Busses, is a sub-par operation. That my friends, is a perfect example of a company that is still embracing Year of the Rat philosophies, and not Year of the Ringo.

In Kansas City, Aaron, Jamie, and Katie helped to make Day of Gluttony a huge success. After a keg of Boulevard and an uncountable mass of meat was sacrificed, the Gods were appeased.

The Year of the Ringo

The Chinese do not start their years on Jan. 1. Neither do I. Sometime around early June, we completed the Year of the Rat. And while i personally realized a few positives to come out of that year, on an overall scale, it sucked hard core.

Presently, the Chinese calendars have labelled the new year as 'year of the ox.' This is wrong. June, 2009 until June 2010 will now officially be known as 'year of the Ringo.' This will entail 365 days of celebrating all that is Ringo. The first celebrations took place in Missouri.............

Family Time in the Dirty South

That's my nephew Leo. He's destined for great things, especially when that incredibly loud drum set that i ordered for him arrives. It's called the "The Sanity Destroyer." It is given a consumer report rating of 5 stars by uncles who don't live in the same country as their nephews, and a rating of -1 stars by parents.

I was recently hanging out with Leo, and my brother and sister-in-law (Jeff and Kelly) in Lexington, Kentucky. My role was to teach Leo sweet WWF style wrestling moves. This consisted of pushing the air-mattress and couches together and then tossing Leo off the top turn buckle. I found this was best done just before bedtime. The key was to wind the little guy up to a level known as "delirious with hysteria" and then turn him over to Jeff and Kelly and walk out the door with my hands raised up in victory.

It is currently undetermined whether i will be invited back to Lexington in the future.

Off to my birth place, and then a date with the St. Lunatics.

Red, White and Blue is the New Black

If you're an American, you may look at the picture above and think, "I don't see anything strange there." But if you are one of the MANY international readers of this blog, you probably see the fashion catastrophe above and think to yourself, "Holy Shit! Someone has combined a waving American Flag, a Bald Eagle, and the Grand Canyon all into one shirt!?"

This is America my friends. Patriotism is not just a feeling, it's a fashion statement.

Now i don't want to be entirely critical. This gem of a garment was found at The Cracker Barrel, an establishment that was the first of my US tour to reunite me with biscuits and gravy. That is a food that could solve some world problems. I don't know how, but i think it could.

Ringo Sacks the Windy City

As i left Manila to begin the summer travels it was raining. No surprise.

Things were sunnier when i finally landed (about 24 sleepless hours later) in Chicago to a family fiesta. There was a quick onslaught of my mom, brothers, nephew, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. Towards 6 pm i was fighting off a collapse so i had a cup of coffee* to try and stay awake until 9. The next thing i know myself, the Dingo, Monica, and Colleen are out for live band karaoke until 1 am. Yes we sang, and yes we they loved us. Then Colleen declared the next day a no-work day (as if i had responsibility anyway), and we proceeded to some other establishment to shoot virtual deer with electronic shotguns. I cannot recommend a greater cure for jet-lag.

I woke up two days later behind home plate in the 10th row at a White Sox game. Lord knows that given the festivities beforehand, i could have woken up in much worse places. We completed the Chicagoland visit with running through Lincoln Park and a viewing of the Blue Man Group. I then rendezvoused with my other brother and sister-in-law to hitch a ride into the Dirty South.

* I don't what brand of coffee that was, but i want more.

Rocking Myself into Exile

Last night my band rocked so hard that Manila said, "We cannot contain you. Get out." I did not need to be told twice, hence this comes to you via Seoul airport.

We rocked especially hard because.............
- My friend Keith joined in on harmonica, and he is a bad ass harmonica player. I mean, he has multiple harmonicas that he removes from a sheath in a similar manner to when Voltron draws his sword before slaying some blood curdling alien beast.
- The magazine article came out! The Sexpatriots were given a two page article in Expat Travel and Leisure, complete with a gratuitious amount of pictures and quotes. Yes, you will all receive autographed copies for Xmas. i know that's what you want.
- We played 3 sets (instead of the normal 2) because we are long, strong, and down to get the friction on. Some guy even bought us all beers. Yes, the bar gives us free drinks anyway, but it's the thought that counts. And yes, it also would have been more awesome if it was some smokin' hot female who bought us drinks, but we're still working on attracting that demographic.

When it Rains Too Much, Give Up

Rainy season has arrived in Manila. It is raining 24 hours a day, and even beginning to darken the soul. There is only one solution: a final night of extended rock by The Sexpatriots at Murphy’s, and then boarding an airplane to get the hell out of Dodge.

I hit US soil in Chicago, and provided I’m not carrying heroin (it’s not on my packing list), I’ll be released back to America to the sound of thousands of fans chanting “USA!,
USA!, USA!” After Chicago it’s on to Kentucky and then Missouri. Look for the crazy-haired guy wearing the red-white-and-blue cowboy suit. That will be me.

My Cristal Life - The Music Video

Say what you want about me, but don’t claim that I don’t put out. Here is my 6th major music video production in 3 years. This one is extra special as it is an original song by my band, The Sexpatriots. Patrick wrote the song. I helped with the lyrics (as will become obvious when you hear it).


You’d like to watch the other videos again? Of course you would!
Sabotage 2008
You Spin Me Round 2008
U Can’t Touch This 2007 Unfortunately this was removed for copyright violation. ☹
Bebot 2007
Thriller 2007


If you can afford the flight, we hope to see you at our last gig before summer holidays this Friday night, June 5th, at Murphy’s Pub.

Ringo Rules Australian Rules

I live a bizarre life. Earlier this week I was selected as a member of the Philippine National Team of Australian Rules Football. We played an international tournament this weekend here in Manila. If you’re wondering what the hell Aussie rules is, it is this…

Keep in mind those are professionals. I look nothing like that. And if anyone runs at me that hard, I get down in the fetal position immediately. But I really did play in the tournament. We didn’t win many games, and I didn’t score any goals, but I did give myself the award for “Best American on The Philippine National Australian Rules Team.”

Ringo is Ready to Get Prolific

As a loyal reader of the Manila All Star blog site, you must be thinking “Ringo has let me down. How can I live vicariously through him if he is not producing literary witticisms and semi-factual adventures?” My apologies. But I’m starting to feel it again. You may want to stretch out, because I prophesize that my production rate is about to get prolific*. Here’s what you have to look forward to……

• Magazine article on The Sexpatriots: A magazine in Manila entitled Expat Travel and Leisure recently sent an editor and photographer to interview my band. I hope the title of the article is Sexpats for Expats.

• Original Music Video: We are literally days away from the release of The Sexpatriots first music video. Unlike the debacle where MC Hammer nearly sued me for copyright violation, this will be completely legal. The pic above is from the vid.

• Relocation of Awesometown Studios. That’s right, I’m moving again. Those bastards that own my student loan have caught up to me. Look for a high speed video tour of my new pad soon.

• Ringo’s US tour: I’ll be performing in Chicago, the Dirty South (Lexington, KY), St. Louis, Columbia, and KC. Please go to ticketmaster for concert and ticket info.

• Ringo in Europe: My manager has decided that I have been rocking the 3rd World for long enough, and that I need some culture. Unbeknownst to him though, my tour of culture will be conducted by the illustrious Mark Gants (in Germany) and the Magnanimous* Marc Shelley (in Switzerland).

* I looked up the definition of “prolific.” And it is certainly the appropriate word here, especially when you look at its alliteration value in that sentence. Admittedly though, I don’t really know what magnanimous means.

Craig's Helmet Cam on a Manila Mission

This is the footage from Craig's helmet cam. and i also hope you notice that one particular blog writer is becoming quite adept at using Final Cut Express. whoot whoot.

The Helmet Cam

There are times when you have no other options but to build a helmet cam.

Ringo on Vocals

While I did excel at being a scuba warrior, my true calling is to be a rockstar. At our latest pub performance, I was even allowed to do vocals on a song that’s a favorite of everyone who is awesome: The Distance by Cake. This was my first attempt at vocals, so keep your expectations low. Plus, I’m playing drums at the same time. Easier said then done.

SCUBA Superhero

Wow. It’s been a stressful month of school for both Jen and me. Fortunately it is now spring break. Jen is de-stressing by returning to St. Louis for a week.

I am de-stressing by becoming a SCUBA superhero. I am taking an Advanced Scuba Diver course in Puerto Galera, Philippines. To complete this I need to complete 5 tasks before the local High Master of Scuba.
1. Dive to the deepest depths of the ocean and retrieve a translucent and blind sea creature of my choice.
2. Breathe various gases while diving such as nitrox, pure oxygen, liquid oxygen, and helium. (On the helium dive I am required to sing funny songs into a sound recorder).
3. Infiltrate a hostile scuba facility at night while dressed all in black. I must plant an exploding device and sink one of their ships, which then helps me with task #4.
4. Penetrate the “wrecked” ship that I caused the previous evening.
5. Explain in detail my wreck dive to the High Master of Scuba. I must use the verb “penetrate” at least 5 times without laughing.

Wish me luck.

Tiny Planes Mean Massive Fun

Saturday I went on a flight with Jen and our friend Molly. Ordinarily this would not be blog-worthy, except for the fact that this plane was the size of a Volkswagen and built in 1948. As you can imagine, it was a non-stop flight to planet to kick-ass.

Here are the top 5 pics. Let me know if this link doesn't work for you non-facebookers. (not that there's anything wrong with that).


The plane was owned and flown by an ex-military American guy named Jimmy. He was stationed in Manila at Clark Air Force base throughout the 70’s and 80’s. As you can imagine, he fought communism on a daily basis, much like you and I fight tooth decay. However, instead of being armed with a small brush and floss, he employed a multi-million dollar fighter plane capable of travelling faster than sound and ready to rain down shock and awe on anything stamped with a hammer and sickle.

Now retired, Jimmy flew us in a classic 4 seater plane called a Navion. There were absolutely no computerized mechanisms, given that when the plane was built, a computer was so big it had its own gravitational field. He flew us north to the rice and vegetable terraces of the Northern Philippines. Then we landed at a resort for lunch and beers*. We got back in our sweet ride and then circled around Mt. Pinatubo until we were seconds away from vomiting, and then landed.

* No beers for Jimmy. 

The Sexpatriots Return to Murphy's

I am proud to announce that in one week, the Sexpatriots will be rocking Manila hard once again from the beer flowing oasis known as Murphy’s Irish Pub. You may be prone to ask, “Why will this performance be any better than the last?” Two reasons.

Reason 1: Tattoos. While some drummers are relentlessly practicing fills to a metronome and complex gua-guan-co rhythms, I am designing 1000 custom made rub on tattoos that will be distributed by waitresses to every person present whether they want one or not. Some people would consider this extreme and neither a good use of time nor money. Those people will not be at our show.

Reason 2: Original Songs. We will perform four songs of our own creation. You can rest assured these will hit the internet within hours of their live debut. I was greatly involved in writing the lyrics of two of these songs. I am proud to say that these lyrics are completely inappropriate, and may pre-maturely end any hopes I had of breaking into the world of children’s entertainment.*

* Breathe easy. I never held those hopes.

The Hammer Dance Contest

You may not believe this.

So a while ago Craig and I made a music video set to U Can’t Touch This by MC Hammer and posted it on Youtube. It has received over 20,000 hits, which we were quite pleased about. Recently, I received a message from a lady claiming to work for the Hammer (I am not lying). She said his website, (dancejam.com) was having a contest entitled “Do Your Best Hammer Dance,” and that we should enter our video. On Sunday I entered it, and in 48 hours, it has already received over 4000 views. We are in 2nd place. If we win, we get a trip to San Fran and a free dance lesson from the Hammer himself. Obviously, if this happens, I can basically retire from life on top. Go to this site below. View it. Rate it. Share it with your friends.

http://dancejam.com/contests/hammerdance/entries/1054596319-hammertime-in-manila

Living the dream

Cool Indian Activity #3: Kite Flying

Kite Fighting!: Currently in India it is kite flying season. And much like you may have read about in The Kite Runner, the kites do battle, with the winner cutting the other person's kite string. If you stand on the roof of any building at dusk, you can see about 100 kites in the air. It's unlike anything I've ever seen. The string has powdered glass glued to it so it will cut the string of your opponent. I was just learning how to fly when the kids on the next roof attacked my kite with theirs. Like a true pro, I immediately screamed like a little girl and dropped my spool. When I picked it back up and pulled like crazy, immediate jeers of laughter broke out from a third rooftop. I had somehow won! Had this been Japan, those poor kids would probably have to commit hari-kari from the shame of it all.

Cool Indian Activity #2: Pan Chewing

Sorry for the extended delay between posting Cool Indian Activity #1 and #2. I'm sure the wait has been hardly bearable.

Pan Chewing: After yet another home-cooked-Indian-meal-that-was-better-than-any-Indian-restaurant-I've-ever-been-to, the lady of the house whips out a small metal box filled with about 20 jars of brightly colored powders and crumbs, as well as four fresh green leaves. It was time to chew Pan. Sort of the Indian equivalent to Red Man chewing tobacco. She made a drug cocktail on the leaf with about 8 ingredients and rolled it into a small cone. I was not wild about chewing it. Remembering back to the first time I tried chewing tobacco, I realized that if I put this into my mouth, there was about a 60 percent chance I would vomit. All over this nice family's living room. Fortunately, there was about 6 others standing over me saying I would be much cooler if I did it. As a graduate of the DARE program in my youth (Drug Abuse Resistance Education), I immediately gave in to peer pressure. As a reader, I know you will be disappointed to hear that I did not throw up. Sorry.