Cool Indian Activity #1: Street Shave

After getting bored of days and days of seeing ancient wonders of the world, we decided to embark on “do cool Indian activities.” I performed three Indian activities of note. Here they are, in three different posts.

1. Street-side shave: Down just about any alley you can find a barber w/ a chair. He may not speak any English, but it’s pretty easy to point at one’s beard and convey that you’d like it to go away. Granted, I might actually be making the sign for, “See my head? I’d like you to cut it off.” Fortunately, my barber was friendly. Using a brand new blade (as he always does) he gave me and my friend Greg a close and comfortable shave for about 10 rupees (20 cents) each, not counting the tip we gave because he had to endure picture taking.

Christmas in India

I have just experienced my first Indian Christmas, and it did not disappoint. Here’s how it went down.

Jen and I flew to the eastern side of India to the state of Orissa. Here we were picked up by PK and Tuni, who were Jen’s neighbors back in St. Louis. They grew up here in Orissa, and are back visiting. We are staying with their relatives in the city of Cuttack. They live in a giant house and happen to have a lot of family visiting as well. I would try and name everyone who is currently staying at the house, but my interpretation of the spelling of everyone’s names would only amplify my misunderstanding of the actual pronunciatation. Let me only mention that PK’s daughter Sonju, husband Greg, and two small kids are also visiting, and they are from the US. This is important, because it leads to xmas.

The next day we took a road trip. Unfortunately, we didn’t get very far because the horn on the car was broken. You may think, “A horn is not really essential to driving.” You are wrong. In India, driving without a horn is like going to work with no pants on. We drove from repair shop to repair shop until we found someone to fix it. Our driver was about 5 seconds away from purchasing an air horn and having me lean out the window to blow it constantly. Finally, we made the trip successfully, and loudly. We saw an ancient Hindu Sun Temple and the beach, where we rode a camel. The picture above is of Jen and I riding the camel. Too bad you can't see the camel.

On Xmas eve day, we were taken shopping by friends. Jen stimulated the ailing south Asian economy by increasing fabric sales by 30%. Meanwhile folks back at the house had fastened some tree branches together to make a xmas tree and the youngsters decorated it with anything and everything. American food was served (almost as delicious as Indian food), and about 10 more people arrived to add to the general confusion of names. The kids unwrapped presents whilst the adults drank scotch*. A merry xmas was had by all.

Our next plan was to try and see Bengal Tigers in West Bengal. That’s been totally scrapped. Now we are flying up to Darjeeling to accomplish three important things…..
• Lie on a bed of nails.
• See how Darjeeling Tea is made.
• See Mount Everest (only 1 centimeter away by my map)

* If this is not part of your traditional family xmas, it should be.

Ringo in Bollywood

Thus far in our trip to India there has been a great deal of awesome, even though most of it has been partially eclipsed by the extreme awesomeness of seeing a Bollywood movie in the theatre here.

A list of highlights thus far……
• Seeing the Taj Mahal: Special props to our friends Simon and Kelly for setting this up. They accompanied us on everything below.
• Our rock star status (at the Taj): We’re at a wonder of the modern world, and people want to take pictures of us. In actuality, they want to take pictures of Jen, but since I’m there, I get in the photo also.
• Eating: Every meal. Every time. If India and Thailand fought in a culinary war, it would be a close battle.
• Ridiculous photos: Simon and I were allowed to dress up in traditional Maharaja garb and pose for photos which we purchased. If we offended the entire country of India, I apologize.
• Bollywood: We bought tickets for a Bollywood flick showing at the Raj Jantur* theatre in Jaipur. Watching movies anywhere else is now boring. Approximately 0.01 % was in English, but the plot was simple enough to understand. When the main actor / actress appear for the first time, people go nuts and start cheering. Then, in the middle of a dramatic scene, people break into song and dance (unfortunately, only the characters, not the people sitting next to me).

No we are flying out to Orissa on the east of India to see PK and Tuni, who are family friends of Jen. Hope to update again soon.

* I made that name up, because I can’t remember the theatre name. But it is famous. I swear.

Rockin' the Sitar

We're off to India! Whoot whoot.

Here are my goals.......
1. Lay on a bed of Nails
2. Ride an Elephant
3. Take part in a Baliwood type scene, where everyone bursts into song and dance.
4. See a Tiger.
5. Not get eaten by Tiger.
6. Outsource some work.
7. Inquire about room rates and vacancy at the Taj Mahal. (i'm pretty sure i'm the first person to thnk about that.)
below is my indian treat for you. i apologize if this is old news.

Long, Strong, and Down to Get the Friction On*

You’ll be pleased to know that I am not writing today about my band (despite our current off-the-chart levels of awesomeness). Instead I’d like to call attention to my hair, which is strong. I hope the picture above does it justice. My hair has never been so long. I can’t verify this, but I don’t think it has been cut since early in the summer. My current hair styling routine consists of waking up, showering, and then trying to make my hair as big as possible. Unfortunately, I am soon reaching a turning point when I need to actually have a plan for it. However, Jen and I are about to embark on our holiday break to India, where I can guarantee my hair at least 3 more weeks of unbridled rampaging.

* Is there really any other possible title for this post? No. There is not. If you have recently tossed away your mp3 of Sir Mixx A Lott (and left it), please do your self a favor and pull up quick and retrieve it.

First Ever Video Footage of the Sexpatrtiots

Here is the song "Play That Funky Music." You may find it a bit long, but i recommend you check out the keyboard solo by James.


This is just a portion of the song, "Summer of 69."

The Sexpatriots Conquer Manila

I am extremely excited to announce that the Sexpatriots will now be performing on a regular monthly basis at Murphy’s Bar!

As the announcement above implies, our first entirely public performance was a huge success. We played two sets, 15 songs in total. At no point were bottles thrown at the stage, nor were there cries for lower volume. I take that as a huge positive. On the other hand, no ladies were throwing their clothing on stage, nor were there cries for more volume. That’s too bad. We will discuss how to rectify that at our next rehearsal.

The manager of Murphy’s reported that she was well pleased with our performance and would now like us to play again in January, and then monthly after that. Obviously all of Manila loves us. Some would argue that since we bring a crowd of at least 30 wealthy expatriate friends with us to a performance, it doesn’t matter what we sound like. That may be true, and I have no problem with that.

If any of you overseas readers would like to hire The Sexpatriots for your private functions, see the associated costs below. The band fee can be slightly reduced in exchange for a raise in drink allowance.
Estimated International Airfare for 5 $10,000
Drink bill $200
Band Fee $85

Total $10,285

(I am currently working on getting a video clip on you tube.)

Unemployment Rocks Hard

All five members of our band, The Sexpatriots, have now been officially fired from our school. This ensures that our sole means of income will be our gig tonight, and that we are professional musicians. Keep in mind that by “official,” I mean I had a conversation with Steve (the assistant superintendant and bass player) that went like this…

Me: “Hey Steve. You should fire us all now.”
Steve: “Ok. Done.”

I don’t know if that will stand up in a court of law. Let’s hope it doesn’t have to.

Some bands spend the time before big performances endlessly checking sound and stage logistics. This is wrong, as it takes away from your spontaneity and stage presence. Instead, I have been practicing autograph signing and tossing my sticks into the crowd without injuring people. Our guitarist, Pat, has been working on smashing a guitar, on the off chance that immediately after the show, someone will toss him a guitar and say, “Here is a cheap guitar that I bought specifically so you can smash it! Please do so!” Our keyboardist James is shopping on the internet for a “keytar*,” partially because it would be awesome, and partially because our financial future is looking better and better. Read on to discover why.

Keep an eye to the web so you don’t miss signing up for our internet based fan club. Actually, you won’t really need to, as just by reading this blog, you are automatically registered (as is your financial info). Hope you are looking forward to receiving those holiday coffee mugs emblazoned with “Sexpatriotism Is Not a Crime” and “Santa is a Sexpatriot.” Thanks for your donation. It is tax deductible. (As far as I know.)

* Yes, that is a keytar in the photo. No, that is not our keyboardist.

Sexpatriots Declare They Will Turn Pro

The Sexpatriots have logged another successful performance. Bear in mind that I consider any performance where we no one’s ears to bleed to be a success. However, after performing at my school’s “Foam Party,” we consider the crowd reaction to be a positive. We only did a short set, but we were well pleased.

This weekend however, I will officially become a professional musician. The Oxford unabridged dictionary defines a professional musician as “one who earns a living predominantly through the means of musical performance.” As of Saturday, when The Sexpatriots perform at Murphy’s bar, we will fit this definition.

“How?” you may ask. Good question. My friend and bass player Steve is the Assistant Superintendant of ISM. I don’t really know what his defined duties at my school are, but I’m pretty sure he has the power to fire people.* Just before we perform this weekend, I’ll have Steve fire us all. Thus, we’ll have no income except for what’s coming from the gig. Viola. We’ll be pros. Assuming no major record contracts sign us after the performance, I’ll probably ask Steve to rehire us.

The Sexpatriots have recently made leaps and bounds into the world of quality recording. There is a 50% chance I’ll be able to get a quality video AND sound recording of a few select songs. In which case, there is a 100% chance you’ll see that short clip on you tube.

* I personally fire my colleagues all the time. However, this is not legally binding.

The Orangutan Video

I was here. I filmed it. I don't think i will ever see anything like it again.

Orangutans and Speakers, Together at Last

As you all know, i have dealt in the business of awesomeness for a long time now. And when i go on a hot streak, i tend to not play it up too much, because the laws of statistics tend to even things out. However, you can start calling me the Joe DiMagio of Awesomeness, because i am rolling! Let me explain.

Thursday: The Sexpatriots' new speakers and amplifier were delivered to my house. Manila is about to be hit hard with dual 500 W speakers and amp brought to us by Yamaha. This was acoustically awesome.

Friday: The last day of school of before break. That evening we boarded a plane and flew to Jakarta, Indonesia. A Canadian friend of ours (Eric), had his parents' driver pick us up from the airport and take us to their home. Bizarre, eh? This was internationally awesome.

Saturday: We flew from Jakarta to the large jungle island of Borneo. We were picked up from the airport, put on a boat, and sailed up the river into the jungle. We had only been on the boat for about 2 hours when we saw a giant orangutan hanging from a tree eating. Then we went to an orangutan sanctuary and saw about 5 more orangutans scarfing bananas! This was environmentally awesome.

Sunday: We woke up on the boat, and sailed into the famous Camp Leakey. Used for rehabbing orangutans. We then saw about 10 to 15 orangutans, the large male King Orangutan (Tom), and a gibbon. This was primately awesome.

Monday: Again we woke up on the boat and sailed back to camp Leakey. We saw even more orangutans. This time we saw the famous Princess. She actually knows sign language and figured out how to steal a canoe. We also saw the gibbon again. A gibbon may even be more awesome than an orangutan. It is like a miniature swinging orangutan on crack. This was swingingly awesome.

Tuesday: Today, we again woke on the boat and sailed back downstream to the nearby town. We then visited a center where orphaned orangutans (stolen from their mothers) are returned. They are then cared for until old enough to face the wild. Not only did we get to hold baby orangutans, but then we also got to play with the juviniles. The term "going apeshit" means nothing until you have one orangutan swinging from your arms while another one jumps onto your head. And yes, one ape did fling some poo. This day was the definition of awesome.

Stolen From My Head

Guten tag!

It's not often that i completely steal from another person's blog, but this level of awesomeness cannot go unnoticed. The illustrious Mark Gants, on his blog Dabolikal Musings (which is excellent), has posted a German music video. I am in awe. I almost have trouble enjoying it, because i am so jealous that i neither made the video, nor got to play drums in it. If you watch the video, you'll see why. And if you ever had the good fortune to take part in (or even associate with) a marching drumline, you'll appreciate that the last part of the video does not even scratch the surface of what must have gone in to making this video.

Sexpatriotism Leads in the Polls!!

I am just about to head to my second live performance with my band, The Sexpatriots. My friends Neil and Boston are hosting a party known as ROKtoberfest. It will be a combination of quality beer and quality rock. The attire is either “old-school German lederhosen” or “rock-star.” I have cleverly combined the two. That is me in the picture. Yes, the beard is real.

The Sexpatriots have expanded our repertoire to a possible 11 songs. And in all honesty, as people explore the quality beer aspect of the party more and more, we may do the first couple songs over again, and make it a baker’s dozen.

In other exciting news, next month we have been booked for our first completely public gig, at a local pub here in Manila. Not only do we get to play for strangers, but the bar is giving us free drinks. And just in case this post couldn’t get any more ridiculous, let me throw in the fact that bar will also pay us. In cash*.

Yes indeed. It is a strange and awesome world that we live in.

* I don’t want to imply that paying in cash is outside the norm here in Manila. It’s not like most bars pay their entertainment with livestock. I’m just implying it is rare for me personally to be paid in cash to play music.

Sabotage - The Music Video

It is my great pleasure to present to you the 5th major music video production by myself and Craig. It is entitled Sabotage, and is set to the song of the same title by the classic hip hop artists, The Beastie Boys. I hope you enjoy.



And in case you're thinking, "the 5th music video??!! Holy crap! My life has been wasted up until now!" You are actually correct. What have you been doing with your life that you haven't seen the 4 previous vidoes? (presented below, in reverse chronological order, for your reverse pleasure)

You Spin Me Round 2008

U Can’t Touch This 2007

Bebot 2007

Thriller 2007

BTW: I have now officially broken up with Movie Maker and i-movie (this vid made on i-movie). Both are worthless programs.

Sexpatriots Mania Sweeps Manila!

The Sexpatriots in Awesometown. From left to right are Patrick, Steve, Jen (special guest performer), myself, Mike, and James


It is safe to say that I will not be invited to dinner by any of my neighbors. While Jen and I received no formal complaints from them, the neighboring tenants of Crown Tower could not have been overly pleased to listen to the sounds of about 100 people and the booming sound of The Sexpatriots.

Our first performance was a huge success, and I have received nothing but rave reviews. However, as a rule of thumb, when you put on a party and supply all the drinks, and then ask people how much they like you, you should expect positive responses. But I’ll take compliments wherever I can find them. We played six songs, all covers, and I’m pretty sure people could even tell what songs they were supposed to be. As a bonus, Jen even sang as special guest in the song Business Time. She knew all the words, since she has had to listen to us rehearse all the time.

Our next performance will be in just over a week, at a friend’s birthday party. In fact, most of the people who saw us last night will be the same people who will be at the birthday party. This is slightly problematic because we don’t really know any more songs. No matter. We’ll adjust the lighting, play the songs in a different order, and wear sunglasses. It’ll be a whole new world.

The Sexpatriots' Debut

Tomorrow night is the debut of my band The Sexpatriots*. The original idea was to have a small gathering of people at my place to hear the band, and have a few drinks. Fortunately though, Wednesday has been declared a national holiday here in the Philippines, and none of my friends and colleagues have to go to work that morning. Thus, the number of people showing up has escalated exponentially. I’m pretty sure half of Manila will be in attendance.

We’ve been practicing weekly at my condo, due to the wonderful world of technology. I play my sweet electronic Yamaha drum kit, while our keyboardist, singer, guitarist, and bass player all plug into my equally sweet Mackie Mixer. This cacophony of sound is then pumped into my not quite so sweet headphone amplifier, which we all plug into so as to hear ourselves, and at the same time, not annoy my neighbors. However, we can no longer keep this sound under the proverbial basket. Thus, we’ve borrowed some massive Bose speakers from our school, and are now ready to put out. We even had our first noise complaint from a neighbor at rehearsal last night, so I guess that means we are the real thing.

I’d like to dedicate this performance to my friend and financial advisory, Kevin Danz, pictured above. Without those three hours we spent playing old drum cadences and drinking high quality wine this summer, I would never have been convinced to invest so wisely in all my sweet new sound equipment. Student loans can wait. I suggest you all contact him about something you are thinking of buying, but can’t quite pull the trigger.

• There were several other name suggestions for the band, and The Sexpatriots was the most appropriate of them all.

PS: The latest music video is nearly complete. Stay tuned for YouTube action.

Backpacking Awards

Too bad. Summer is over. But here are the top 5 photos from the best backpacking trip ever in the Rockies.

Team Ingrate Rocks Iowa Hard

After a relatively short day on the RAGBRAI, we pulled into the town of Ames, Iowa, home of the Iowa State Cyclones, and by far the largest town we would see. We quickly showered up so we could sit around the Budweiser cooler and talk about how awesome we all were. As a special bonus, some of Andrew's friends and Iowa State Alumni came into town to add to the belligerence.

Our night started fantastically due to the fact that our new friend Rick-a-saurus had a rap album in his car by none other than the Macho Man Randy Savage. Even if you as a reader have only 2 days left to live, make sure you spend one of those days looking for the song “My Perfect Friend,” by the Macho Man*.

Team Ingrate (as the younger members of Team Harold are referred to) represented the team especially well in the bars of Ames. Our main activity was the distribution of Team Harold tattoos, which we excelled at. The conventional way to apply these is to wet the paper backing while pressing the tattoo to skin. However, word quickly spread that these tattoos could only be applied if they were licked on. Any newcomer to the bar would have thought they had walked in to a 1965 acid rave. Andrew and I then topped the evening off with a stunning rendition of Bon Jovi on the karaoke stage. RAGBRAI and Ames loved us.

Based on the previous evening’s activities, the following day’s ride was a struggle. Only about half of team ingrate managed to be involved in the ride, and I’m happy to say I made the entire route.

Only 3 more days left through the great sea of corn.


* For those of you who are unenlightened, this is about “Mr. Perfect” Curt Henning, who apparently, is no longer with us. 

Fueled by Porkchops and Beer

Thus far, after completing 3 days of riding across the state of Iowa, I have come to the conclusion that people on the Tour de France are doing things completely wrong. Those clowns ride like crazy while drinking water and gatorade and munching on power bars and energy goo. I have also learned, to my horror, that once they start in the morning, Tour riders do not stop until the end of the day. That's dumb.

Here in Iowa, we start early. After about 5 miles, we then stop for coffee. After another 7 miles, you stop for a breakfast burrito and a banana. Then you high five some kids in a small town, before you go visit Mr. Porkchop. Mr. Porkchop is an old guy who serves porkchops and yells "AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!" at passing bikers. He serves no side dishes. Your meal consists of a giant porkchop. By about 2 or 3 pm, the budwesier beer tent usually comes into sight. Finally, i like to roll into town about 3 or 4 and then sit around and talk with my team about how awesome we are.

We recently have landed at Ames, Iowa, which is by far the biggest town we've seen so far. I imagine that, against all better judgement, we will go big tonight to mentally prepare ourselves for a repeat performance tomorrow.

RAGBRAI Preseason

Wow wow wow. I am currently on a weeklong bike ride across the state of Iowa entitled the RAGBRAI, which has over 10,000 riders. Our team is known as Team Harold, and we have a bus. The bus ride from the Lou to Iowa was enough to warrant an entry in itself.

The first five minutes of the bus ride were quite dull, so it was suggested that we have a cold beverage. Fortunately, George , (my father-in-law andan Anheiser Busch employee), made sure there was a keg on the bus. As you would expect, most of us calmly sipped our drinks and discussed capital gains taxes and religion. One individual however, was not so calm. Let's call this individual "Joseph" to protect his identity. "Joseph" is 68 years old, a complete unknown to the team as of a week ago, and apparently completely crazy. All of us are highly seasoned in the ways of Budwesier consumption, however, Joseph was lapping everyone.

At this point, Joseph looked around and decided that he needed to armwrestle someone. He chose Brader. Brader was by far the biggest guy on the bus, half of Joseph's age, and looks like a pro wrestler. You may find this hard to believe, but Brader won. He also nearly ripped Joseph's arm off. fortunately Joseph never felt it, since he was speaking jibber-jabber and had to be restrained for the rest of the bus ride. He kept asking for revenge on the big guy and wanting to know where he was, even though he was two feet away.

Eventually, we arrived at Iowa and Joseph was had lost control of all emotions, including his bladder. Hardy, his sponser from Team Harold, then had to turn around and drive the guy all the way back to Missouri. Bizzarre.

Currently, I'm just hoping i don't do anything so horrible that i get voted off the island and sent back home.

The Upcoming Bike Trip

Tomorrow we leave for Iowa. We will bike from the west side of the state to the east side of the state. Powers-that-be-willing, I will inform you all about it. Two adversaries are conspiring to keep this dream from becoming a reality.

One: my ass. Bike riding requires a lot of sitting on one’s ass. I have padded shorts, but I’m concerned.

Two: Best Buy. They are on a crusade to provide the worst customer service possible, and are currently performing unspeakable acts upon my laptop that I don’t even want to contemplate. I have currently had to endure pictures of Best Buy employees posing with my laptop in compromising positions. It is enough to turn the strongest of stomachs. Yesterday, I received in the mail a package containing a severed “backspace” key. I will not give in to such terrorism. I hope they will do the right thing, and that I will not have to give in to the demands of such tyrants.

Backpacking in CO

After leaving Kentucky, the land of the horse, I traveled to Illinois and Missouri to see my mom and brother. Both trips were quite enjoyable. Unfortunately, all the wonders of those excursions are captured on my computer which is held by those no-talent-ass-clowns at Best Buy. We have a pretty good relationship.

The most awesome backpacking trip ever, of which you can currently see no photo documentation of (due to Best Buy), took place along the continental divide of Colorado amongst myself, Aaron Young (of KC fame), and Greg Hessee (of Denver notoriety), and also, Brew (Greg’s Dog). We persevered through rain, uphill climbs, beer depletion, and altitude sickness. I’d show you pictures if I currently had some. You’ll have to take my word on the awesomeness of it all. We climbed a 13,000 foot pass and then sledded down to the bottom of it. We ascended a 14.000 ft. mountain just to show that we could. We did. Send your fan mail here.

Look for pictures soon. If you want them sooner, email jackasses@bestbuy.com, and request that they give me my laptop back sooner, and that they find out why it won’t connect to my sweet new video camera, which will provide the world with infinite entertainment.

A Horse Ride in Kentucky

Since space camp I have had my computer confiscated by those ass-heads at Best Buy. Don’t even get me started on those Nazis. Thus I have been extremely limited on my reporting for the good of mankind. To flash back to when I had computing power, I was in Lexington, Kentucky to see my brother and sister-in-law. Of equal importance, if not more, I saw for the first time my 10 month old nephew Fernando. His name is Fernando Dingrando because it rolls off the tongue nicely. Until those hardliners at Best Buy give me my computer back, this only contains of a picture of what my nephew, Fernando, sort of looks like in my imagination, not as my camera/computer actually documents. I apologize, but vent your rage at Best Buy.

I am an astronaut

I have completed space camp at Kennedy Space Center. I am now a full fledged astronaut. Here’s how the rest of it went down.

Since Disney (my former employer*) had a ride entitled “NASA: Mission to Mars” we were given a free pass to see the ride and all the rest of Epcot center. Disney makes me a bit nauseous anyway, but if you combine that with a giant centrifuge ride, I was lucky to keep all my previously eaten food where it belonged. We survived this day by finding a sports bar where we could watch the European cup while drinking overpriced beers.

The next day we had “dinner with an Astronaut” with Jon McBride, a retired space shuttle pilot. I didn’t actually see him arrive, but I like to think he either landed a fighter jet in the parking lot or just parachuted in. He gave a presentation related to why he is awesome, after which, we were able to ask questions. I was able to ask several important questions such as, “How does your training before a mission prepare you for the extremely high levels of awesomeness that you are exposed to?” He could not answer fully since that was classified. I’m pretty sure that in Houston there is an “Awesome Simulator” that most of mankind is just not ready to deal with yet.

The next day we went kayaking and I saw a manatee (a sea cow). This had nothing to do with space. It did make me realize however, that on a Florida license plate you can have either a picture of a sea cow, the space shuttle, oranges, wading birds, sea turtles, dolphins, or Hulk Hogan. In fact, most Republicans in the state claim the main reason they need to keep prison levels at capacity is just to keep up with the license plate demand.

All in all it was a highly educational week. I just got to see the notorious drummer known as Kevin Danz (and Mizzou alumni). Now I’m off to Kentucky, the land of bourbon and horses. I will do my best not to combine the two.

* I am proud to say that I worked at the ride “It’s a Small World.” Obviously, I needed the experience to strengthen my resume.

The Space Race

The Soviets are stepping up the amount of blogs they have available to the world. The Ringo Administration has responded by creating yet another blog entitled Ringo Physics. For the most part it will be a professional blog related to the teaching of physics. However, i recently posted about my time here at NASA in Cape Canaveral, Florida. Check it out. If you have any educational colleagues who might find it useful, pass it along.

Ringo in Paradise

I have just completed a week of gluttony. As you can imagine, it was awesome.

Myself and Jen, along with our co-conspirators Fred and Sandy, were fleeing to a tropical island to escape the concrete jungles of Manila. However, flights to Awesome-Island are only offered 3 days a week. So we were forced to spend a night in Cebu. A friend of mine who grew up in Manila said that Cebu was, “Very trafficky.” This is sort of like Prince labeling a party as “too freaky.” Thus, I had low expectations. However, Fred’s liver has a strange property that it acts like a divining rod. It pulled us towards a German restaurant known as The Gustavian. It specialized in sausages and every European beer known to man. Over the past year, I had been drinking mainly San Miguel beer. It’s “the only beer for building true Filipino friendships.” Upon my first sip of Boddington’s Bitter Ale my neural pleasure center overloaded and I passed out. They let me finish the rest of my beer in the ambulance.

Eventually we left and made it to Camiguin Island in the southern Philippines. The airport was a single concrete building and received one flight every other day, so as not to overuse the awesomeness. The tiny volcanic island could be circumnavigated via road in about 2 hours. For comparison, Manila can be circumnavigated in about 2 weeks. Our first major activity was to immerse ourselves in every form of water on the island. We hired a driver to take us to the natural hot springs, cold springs, and bubbling springs around the island. Then we did some snorkeling on the “sunken cemetery” that slid into the ocean during the last eruption. This proved to be very disappointing, as we saw no ghosts, dead people, or even tombstones.

The next day we tempted fate by celebrating Jen’s 30th birthday on top of a volcano at sunset. Sandy had smuggled champagne onto the island by claiming it was “medicinal.” We poured a bit out to appease the volcano gods, so no eruption occurred. Unfortunately, the true eruption occurred the following day from Fred’s anus. Several aftershocks were also occurring, so Fred could not join the rest of us on the motorbike ride around the island. We discovered that amazingly, 60,000 people live on the island, and 45,000 of them are children. They speak English pretty well, but are extremely partial to the phrase, “Hello friend!” I have never waved to so many people since my Presidential candidacies in’96 and 2000.

And now I’m back in the US! Currently, I am all tanned and rested, and on my way to Space Camp at Kennedy Space Center. I’ll be sure to update you on this latest step for all of mankind.

The Award Tour (with Muhammad my Man?*)

It’s time for you all to hate me. That’s right, you suckers in the business world: now is the time when I traipse across the globe on two months of paid vacation. School’s out for summer!!! Check out the award tour schedule to see if any stops are coming to a venue near you.

The Award Tour
• June 7: Manila Grad Ceremony
I receive my Master’s Degree from the State University of New York. You’ll notice my vocabulary has now become really really really really really big.

• June 8-14: Tropical Island Decompression
Jen and I and company will head to a tiny tropical island in the Philippines known as Camiguin to celebrate how awesome we are, and to celebrate the importation of single malt scotches.

• June 15: One in St. Louis.
This is much like “One Night in Bangkok,” as made famous by Murray Head.

• June 16-27: NASA Space Camp in Florida
I attend Kennedy Space Center with other science teachers to learn about outer space. My expectations are high. I’ll let you all know if I get to ride that kick-ass centrifuge ride. An unheard of Kevin Danz / Orlando sighting may occur.

• June 27 – July 2: Lexington, KY
I get to see my nephew Fernando Dingrando for this first time!! Obviously he will be the smartest and best looking zero-year-old on the planet. I’ll hang out with my brother and sister-in-law until they kick me out.

• July 3-4: Marion, IL
A Return to the homelands!

• July 5-9: TBA
Perhaps KC or Columbia, MO, or the Lou. Need to see some VIP’s in all these places.

• July 9 – 15: Rocky Mountains, CO
Mountains!!!!! My heart doctor, if I had one, recommends this. Also will rendezvous with Jen here. Then I will also do some kick-ass mountaineering. I am nearly as excited about this as I am about space camp and seeing Fernando.

• July 18-26
RAGBRAI bike ride across Iowa. This will kick ass. I’m told this is a guarantee. I don’t doubt it. 10,000 bikers can’t be wrong.

• July 29: Back home.

*Special thanks to A Tribe Called Quest for the title of this post

Manila Entertainment

It just struck me that I’ve recently seen a lot of awesome / bizarre entertainment here in Manila, and you all need to know about it. I submit to a jury of my peers…….

Exhibit A: Michael Jackson:
I mistakenly heard on the radio that Michael Jackson was performing in Manila. This seemed crazy, but no crazier than the Colorado Rockies in the World Series, so I bought tickets for me and Jen. It was actually a well known Philipino singer, Luke Mujales, singing songs by the pop idol. However, he also had a sparkly glove, back-up dancers, and an afro wig for the earlier Jackson 5 era songs. He also showed Michael Jackson videos while performing. Obviously, all copyright laws were ignored.

Exhibit B: The PBA.
The Philippine Basketball Association. Jen and I caught the local commuter train out to Arraneta Coliseum (sight of the Thrilla in Manila! 1976) to watch the Magnolia Beverage Masters play the Pure Foods Tender Juicy Giants. We rolled up to the ticket window and paid the US equivalent of 6 dollars for box seats, which was good for two games. This was the cheapest professional sporting event I will ever attend.* There are 3 basketball seasons here. We are in the middle of “import season.” This is where each team is allowed one foreign import player over 6’10. I don’t know who won, but it was pretty awesome, especially when you picture Ali and Frazier in this place beating the shit out of each other 30 years ago with 7000 screaming Filipinos ringside.

Exhibit C: Prom
If you are the elite 1% of the country, and in high school, what do you do for prom? You hire lights, magicians, transvestites, and Elvis impersonators. That’s what. Jen and I chaperoned. Wow. The theme was “Las Vegas.” So as the kids walked in, there were ladies on pedestals with feathered headdresses and bikinis on. Also on pedestals were two magicians, two transvestites, and a Filipino Elvis impersonator. “Why transvestites?” you might ask. Good question.

* Let the jury be aware that we only paid this much because we are high rollers. Ticket prices went as low as about $0.25.

Dr. Teeth

before
Now!

I have invested in tooth care.

Mountain Biking!

Last weekend was awesome. Immediately after school on Friday, I rocked hard with my band (as yet nameless) and then met up with Jen and her fellow golfing* ladies for outrageously priced Guinness. I spent most of Saturday wondering who had kicked me in the head the previous evening.

On Sunday, I usually attempt to injure myself in a soccer game, but we had a weekend off. To increase my usage of health insurance, my friend Lee and I decided to go mountain biking. This involved us getting in a taxi at 6 am and driving for an hour out to a strip mall. There we rented bikes from a small bike shop and watched in awe as all the wealthy people of Manila who live in my neighborhood reappeared at this strip mall wearing tight shorts and helmets.

Two extremely nice guys took pity on Lee and I and invited us to ride with them. First we just biked through this neighborhood while I thought about how awesome I was. Next we started up this 80 degree hill for about 2 miles and I thought I was going to sweat so much my organs would come out my pores. I didn’t know bikes had gears that low. If my motorbike has gears one through four, on this mountain bike I was on gear negative twenty-two.

Once at altitude we biked on several nice trails that wound through little villages. Every kid we saw (and there were many) shouted good morning as we passed. We were of rock star status all day. We even biked up to a little village shop that served us fried tofu and Gatorade (not mixed together).

This weekend Jen is off at the beach paradise of Boracay with the ladies. I intend to busy myself with scotch, and then two more chances to injure myself with a game of Australian Rules football today, and soccer tomorrow. What could possibly go wrong?

* Jen will return to the US this summer as well. Probably on the WPGA tour.

How a Rock Star Lives

*
Apologies for not posting in a while. I’ve been busy. How in the world do I spend my time these days? (Aside from the obvious obscene amount of hours spent at school) I’m glad you asked.

I’ve been playing a lot of soccer lately. Most of my friends call it football, which makes me feel very international. Our school has a team mainly made up of faculty and we play weekly in a league. Thus far we are undefeated. My job is to run up and down on the wing a lot and try not to do anything too stupid.

I’ve also been drumming. My self and 3 other teachers and a student have recently been getting together to play some cover songs. We’ve yet to do anything worthy of a music video, but give us some time.

I’ve also still been biking. Judging by the fact that I am alive to write this, you can assume I’ve been doing most of my biking indoors. However, early tomorrow morning I’m supposed to be getting a ride out of town to do some mountain biking. This should be extremely awesome.

Jen and I are still taking Tagalog lessons. My newest favorite phrase is, “Bababa ka ba? Hindi o oo?” This means, “Are you going downstairs? No or yes?” This is not a useful phrase, but it sounds extremely awesome since you get to repeat the same syllables multiple times.

I’ve also been planning the return tour to the US this summer. Hopefully that will be sorted next week and I can give you all dates and tour stops.

* Yes, this is an extremely awesome photo. Yes i took it myself.

I Like to Ride my Bicycle

This was actually written back in March, but I’ve been delayed in posting it.
Now this is not as exciting as my newest music video, but it needs sharing nonetheless.

I’m coming to the US this summer. And during that time I will take part in the RAGBRAI with team Harold. This is a bike ride across the state of Iowa. Team Harold involves Jen’s dad George, a bus with a party deck on top, and much more than I have time to explain.

I have now been on my first two bike training rides. In Manila. The first ride was the most dangerous thing I have done since that invisible orangutan attacked me on the way down Mt. Cotopaxi in Ecuador a few years back*. There is a strict caste system for the roads here. SUV’s are on top. Cars are below, followed by motorbikes. Bicycles are well below that, only slightly above small animals crossing the road. I only traveled from the bike shop to my home, which was about a half mile. Unfortunately this was during rush hour on a weekday. Wow. Apparently I like to jump in the deep end.

The second ride was a better idea. I left at 7 am on Sunday morning, when traffic is at an all time low, and pollution is at only 450% what it is in LA. My biggest concern was this strange thing known as “foot clips.” For you ignorant non-bikers out there (obviously unlike myself), these connect your shoes to the pedals of the bike, thus maximizing your power and your potential for disaster. I made it out to the Mall of Asia with no problem. Here you can bike around a 3 km loop with about 300 other people until the temperature reaches that of magma.

On my way home I was quite proud of myself and was showing of to the people ahead of me in the jeepney (like a bus). Suddenly the jeepney stopped to let a passenger out. With my cat-like reflexes I stopped, only to realize I am still connected to a bicycle. Gravity did not stop, and I immediately fell into the guy who got off the jeepney. I’m sure his blog reads something like, “I was having a great day until this crazy-ass white guy on a bike fell into me.”

I then made sure I always at least had my right foot out of the clip, which did me absolutely no good when I toppled over to the left and saved myself only by grabbing onto the hood of a stopped jeepney. I used my extensive knowledge of Tagalog to ascertain that the driver said, “Hey you crack-smoking whitey! Get the hell off my jeepney!”

I’m still riding though. Granted much of it is indoor on the stationary bike. I’ll keep you all posted.

* I suffered from altitude sickness whilst climbing (successfully I guess) this 18,000 ft volcano in Ecuador in 2005, and am probably lucky to be alive. This happened before the existence of this blog. I have recently recovered my chronicles of the entire Ecuadorian adventure, and despite the sound advice of my publisher, am considering sharing those with the world.

You Spin Me Round (the video!)

The anticipation is finally over. The fourth major video production is now ready for action! I present to you, “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)” by Dead or Alive. I hope you enjoy.



You might be thinking, “WTF? Fourth major production? What does Ringo consider a major production??” Fair enough. In general, my standards are low. Here are the previous three, in reverse chronological order.

U Can’t Touch This

Bebot

Thriller

Ringo's Beard Competition

I am not the head of my department nor of any important professional committees. I have no desire or ambition towards an administrative position. However, it cannot be denied that my leadership abilities, when it comes to important things, are off the chart!

My most recent accomplishment in the world of education was to lead my colleagues in the first annual International School of Manila Beard Growing Competition. This was a three week event that coincided nicely with all our bosses being overseas recruiting new teachers (future beard growers). I am proud to say that we had 16 competitors this year!

After the deadline for unrestricted growth, we took pictures and posted them online. All faculty, staff, and students at ISM are currently voting on line, so I can’t claim victory for myself. However, I’m confident I’ll make top 3.

What purpose did this serve, you may ask? Absolutely none! There were no funds raised, and it benefited society in no way. Awesome eh? And to add to the awesomeness, we’ve begun a week of creative styling. As you can see from the picture above, I’m doing quite well. I’ve made my students refer to me as Mr. Wolverine.*

When I say “we” have engaged in a week of creative styling, I actually mean about 3 of us. All administrators have returned to Manila now, and not all my colleagues share my dedication to the arts, nor the job security of teaching a subject no one else wants to teach.

* The picture above is of “Pinoy Wolverine” or “Philippine Wolverine” as knives are rarely available for Philippine dinners.

Brushing and Shaving

People ask me all the time, “Ringo, what is it like inside your head?”*

In response, I have made this short film. It is an example of what it’s like in my head while shaving and brushing before work.

* In reality, no one has ever asked me that. But if they ever do, I will show them this short film.

(Oh yes. I now have my driver’s license back. I paid our school’s security chief, he paid his driver, and his driver bribed Manila City Hall. Indeed, you cannot fight city hall.)

Ringo Loves/Hates Manila

One of my New Year’s resolutions was to try to like Manila more. The past week I was doing well. Jen and I took up Tagalog lessons again. (That’s the language of the Philippines). I even created a new phrase that is sweeping Manila. “Mataas na lima!” That means literally, “A tall-looking number five.” Say this to any Philipino you know, and hold your hand up to receive a hi-5. If they don’t have any idea what you are talking about, inform them that they are not cool. I made my students memorize it, and their homework this weekend was to spread that across the city.

Our friends Tim and Lisa came to visit us from China for the weekend. We took them on an awesome walking tour of Manila by Carlos Cedran. I learned lots about my new home city. For example, many of the socially elite families in the Philippines are partially descended from wealthy Chinese who arrived in the 1800’s. The last names were just changed to sound more Spanish. The tour guide rattled off about 50 famous families. I think I teach all of them at my school.

But then I come to hate Manila as well. Here’s the conversation that led to my driver’s license being confiscated:

Policeman: “Sir. You were going the wrong way on a one-way street.”
Ringo: “What? Was there a sign?”
Policeman: “Yes sir. Come. I’ll show it to you.”
Ringo: “Wow. I missed it. That’s the size of a postage stamp though. Maybe the 5 of you policeman would be better for safety if you put up a bigger sign instead of just waiting for someone to go the wrong way.”
Policeman: “Sir, I have to confiscate your license. And you have to go to traffic school.”
Ringo: “Wow. That sucks. How about I pay you a bribe?”
Policeman: “Good idea sir. Let’s drive into a dark alley.”

We drive into a dark alley.

Policeman: “Sir. I will do you a favor. I will give you your license back and go to traffic school for you.”
Ringo: “Awesome! Mataas na lima!”
Policeman: “Yes sir. You just need to pay me 1 bizillion pesos.”
Ringo: “You’re crazy.
Policeman: “But sir, regulation #4359 states clearly that the amount for bribery tonight is 1 bizillion.”
Ringo: “Talaga? (really?) Why don’t you just keep my license? Store it safely in your anal cavity till I finish traffic school.”

Things deteriorated from here. So I am now the only expat I know who has refused to pay the bribe. Tomorrow I have to go City Hall to bribe the guy there. I’ll keep you all posted.

A One Minute Tour of Awesometown

I’m a high roller. So is Jen. Here in Manila, we live on the east side in a deluxe apartment in the sky. I wanted to make a video so you all could see the splendor that is Awesometown. However, I realize the average internet user has the attention span of a 5-year-old, so I limited the video length to one minute. Our place is so huge though, that this required me to sprint through the house. I added the energetic music just because it makes me smile. Enjoy.

The One Minute House Tour

Posted 55 Minutes Ago

Here is where Jen and I live in Manila. In high speed action mode.

Ringo's Cinematographic Drawing Board

As I was flying back from Japan last night, I was thinking what would happen if you combined a record player, a tripod, a toy car, a video camera, and a dash of scotch. (These are the things I think about on a regular basis). Today I tried it. Check out the short pilot episode below.




I’m considering employing this type of camera work in my next music video, so let me know what you think of it. Hold on though. I can’t have all 10,000 of you loyal readers posting individually and overloading the server like that incident in 2002. Instead, maybe you can attend a caucus to coordinate your opinions and then choose a leader to voice your ward’s opinion. Isn’t that how things work in Iowa for the primary election? Elections confuse me.

Even Ninjas Have Families

Jen and I are still in Japan, and until quite recently, so was the rest of the Swinehart family. Fortunately the addition 3 more people made travel easier, since they all brought with them some made skills. Such as......

George Swinehart (Jen's dad): Fluent speaker of Japanese and many other languages.
Marilyn Swinehart (Jen's mom): Master of chopsticks
Andrew Swinehart (Jen's brother): Renonwned scholar / importer of Japanese comics

We all travelled around Japan for over a week. We went to Hiroshima to see the atomic bomb site. it was very impressive. Then to Kyoto, the cultural center of japan. We saw lots of temples and even a castle. We climbed to the top of the castle, but guess what? That's right. The princess was in another castle. So then we went on to level 8, which was back in tokyo. All in all an awesome family visit.

Bad news America. Japan is kicking our ass in several areas. Here are a few.
1. Public transport. Most awesome in the world.
2. Food on conveyor belts. We ate sushi from a conveyor belt and then had beer delivered by a minuature bullet train.
3. Robots. I saw a competition on TV between japanese robots. It made the US Battle-Bots look like it was done by 3rd graders.
4. Vending Machines: There is one vending machine for every two people in Japan. For some reason Tommy Lee Jones is on half of them. And they distribute beer.