Coup d'etat!!

Yesterday there was a coup attempt against the president here in my neighborhood! Here’s how it went down.*

A few generals and senators were on trial for corruption and starting a coup against president Arroyo a while back. The trial was getting boring, so the generals and senator stood up and said, “This party’s dead anyway. Peace out.”

They then marched across the street (with a few dozen minions) to the 5-star Peninsula Hotel for cocktails. They were surrounded by police who didn’t try to stop them because they knew staging a coup would make the Philippines more exciting for everyone. The security guards of the hotel had guns, but they realized these generals coming at them enjoyed using guns. So they wisely got the hell out of there.

The coup leaders then kicked all the guests out, popped open the Crystal, and began texting hos to come kick it with them. Their initial statement to the press was, “When President Arroyo sees how many shorties we got behind us, she will step down immediately, or at least come join our posse.”

Unfortunately for the coup leaders, it was raining yesterday. So the thousands of supporters never quite made it. To make things worse, thousands of Marines decided they liked President Arroyo, and that she paid the bills. It also seemed pretty novel to throw tear gas into a 5-star hotel, so they did that. They also drove a tank through the doors, and fired their guns into the air like Yosemite Sam.

The coup leaders then issued another statement saying, “We give up. Thanks for nothing to all of our so-called-friends who didn’t join our coup.”

GMA (the president) then said “Everyone is very tired from a busy day and needs their sleep. The whole country must be in bed by midnight, or you will go to jail, just like all the journalists that were arrested today.”

* I am not a journalist, and thus, I make no claims that what I present is true. In fact, I make a lot of stuff up.

Marathon = Cancelled

Meet my new physical therapist. His name is Johnny. He’s only 12 years old, but he’s been around the block a time or two.

Today I cancelled our flight to Singapore for the marathon. There’s no way I would have finished it. Since a twenty mile run last month, my knee has been messed up. Rest and physical therapy kept me in denial about the injury, but I barely made it 6 miles tonight in my run.

The Greatest Day Ever

Good news everyone. Monday, Nov. 26 is a holiday. Don't go to work. Or to school. It is international "Stay at Home and Revel in Missouri's Victory Over Kansas Day." Whatis the point of going in? How much can you really accomplish when there are hundreds of articles to be read that give every detail of Mizzou's victory over Kansas? All you will do is keep asking if the rankings have come out yet. And when the rankings do come out, all you will do is try to pick the best frame to hold the color print-out that says, "Missouri Tigers, #1 in the Nation." Unbelievable.

It's OK to Hate

This week will be a celebration of hate. Usually this is not OK. People automatically tend to think of terrible things like “hate crimes,” which are obviously bad. However, to hate an establishment such as the University of Kansas is 100% OK. It’s better than OK, because it’s fun.

It really can’t get any more fun than 10-1 Mizzou playing undefeated Kansas at Arrowhead Stadium next Saturday. I’m sweating just thinking about it. Cheering on one’s favorite team in an apocalyptic game is a great feeling. For example, every second of the Cardinals vs. Tigers World Series was the embodiment of awesome. However, the upcoming border war could be even bigger for one important reason. I don’t hate the Detroit Tigers, but I very much hate the Kansas Jayhawks. Mathematically, it works like this:

Love of one team + hatred of opposing team = 2 x Awesome.

If you’re reading this, do yourself a favor. When you Hi-5 a fellow Tiger fan, don’t just say, “How about them Tigers?” Quickly follow that statement with a “How about those pig-****-ing Jayhawks?” Next to your giant black and gold MU flag, tie a noose around a blue and red bird. If you donate to Mizzou scholarship fund, see what you can do to embezzle funds from the state of Kansas.

7 days and counting. M-I-Z Beat-K-U

Still on the Horse, But I See Mongo Coming

My knee has been put in a state of rest. The doctor can’t find anything wrong with it, so the diagnosis is overtraining. The cure is rest. The question is if I have enough time to rest it before the Singapore Marathon on Dec. 2. That’s in 2.5 weeks. In the meantime I can ride a stationary bike. I can also stretch. I can also see a physical therapist. I can also stock up on beer, whiskey, cigarettes, chewing tobacco, heroin, and other vices that I plan on taking up if my knee forces me to miss my second marathon in a year. If you fall off the horse once, get back on. If you fall off twice, then you punch the horse in the face like that guy Mongo from blazing saddles.

My Physical and Mental Instability

I’m on the edge. After over two months of training for a marathon in the smog capital of the world, my knee decides to start acting up. This is not something I’m not mentally able to deal with. Here’s why….
1. After over two months of training of last year in Manila, I broke my foot.
2. I’ve been severely limiting my intake of caffeine.
3. I’ve been severely limiting my intake of alcohol.

Those 3 things: caffeine, alcohol, and not being broken, are all 3 of my favorite things. If my knee doesn’t get better, I may have to eat a can of instant coffee, wash it down with rubbing alcohol, and start chucking things out my 13th floor window until I break someone else.

Actually my knee is not that bad. I can still run, but it starts to hurt every time after about 30 minutes. That’s bad enough for me to be concerned. I’m resting it, and it should end up ok. But I’ve got some Nescafe and Isopropyl in my desk drawer just in case.

Dingoes and Whores

This past week has been a great one. My younger brother, aka The Dingo, is currently out to visit. Hence the Dingo part of this entry’s title. Myself, the Dingo, Jen, and Craig have all just returned from the Philippine island of Siquijor (pronounced Sig-ee-whore). Hence the whore part of the title. We chose this island solely based on the name.

After catching a taxi, to an airplane, to van, to a ferry, to a jeepney, we finally arrived at our island resort. It was awesome. Palm trees, huts, hammocks, geckos, etc. They also had awesome food.*

The island was about 10 miles in diameter, and the best way to see a lot of it is by motorbike. We rented these and spread terror into the hearts of all by the intimidating picture we made rolling into the barangays (neighborhoods). We were actually pretty popular wherever we went, but Jen could have run for mayor in every place. Blond white women on motorbikes don’t roll through town every day apparently. Go figure.

I’m still in training for the Singapore marathon, so I had to put in a lot of miles as well. I wasn’t as popular as Jen, but I was no less a spectacle when running. Besides the normal “Hey Joe!” several people chose to shout “Manny Pacquiao!” He is a famous Philipino boxer. It’s not that I look like Pacquiao; it’s just that he and I are apparently the only people stupid enough to run for the sake of exercise in the Philippines. Whilst dodging caribou and goats on an 20 mile run, i managed to suck down 2 packets of energy goo. That suuff is awesometown. I now spread it on toast.

We have since returned to Manila where we recently went out to the Malate area in costume for Halloween. Funny enough, we were just about the only people in costume. Bizarre.

Today, I took Greg on every tourist’s favorite part of SE Asia: bootleg DVD shopping! However, karma intervened as we were pulled over on the motorbike on the way home and I had to bribe the policeman out of taking my license. The best part was that when I handed him my license, he said I should not have clipped money to it. “This makes me think you are trying to bribe me sir.” He then asked for more money. I love the philippines.

* Craig made a vow to eat bacon with every meal during our trip. He succeeded, and is currently still on the streak. I try to spend a lot of time with Craig, since his cardiologist suggests he will not live past 35 at this rate.