The Worm

I can do the worm.

You’re probably thinking, “No shit Ringo. You own multiple capes, a bunny suit, and can make balloon animals. Of course you can do the worm.” But you’re wrong. I just learned how. The best part is that I have an understudy.

This all began when my school needed faculty with no shame to perform a comedic dance at halftime of some function. I volunteered. So did 3 others. They backed out when they learned I was leaving and could not be fired. I said, “%$#@ you guys. I’ll solo break dance, if I need to.” They said fine.

I can’t break dance. I can do the monster dance from Thriller, but that’s not break dancing. So I started where any self respecting white-guy-who-teaches-in-the-‘burbs would start. I practiced doing the worm. It’s not easy. It takes nerve. When your roommate comes upstairs and sees you writhing around on the ground, apparently dry humping a sleeping bag, you have to be able to hold your head up off the ground and say, “I’m practice the worm, dammit. Backoff.” Eventually, the training wheels came off.

But, much like Apollo Mission 18, the school break dancing performance was scrapped. I was fully trained with no audience. Thank God for the internet.

I now do the worm at every opportunity. At work, picnics, clubs, bar mitzvahs. My latest gig is tutoring. Below are two quick videos. You’ll see me, and my first student Kieran. He’s only two. I didn’t start until age 29. Look out Alphonso Ribiero*.

Young grasshopper learns

Show me paint the fence!

* Alphonso was the “break dancing Michael Jackson as a child” in an 80’s Pepsi commercial. He also starred with Ricky Schroeder (aka my roommate, Andrew) in Silver Spoons.

Why Chicks Don't Dig Me

Whilst in high school and college, I was never one to sit around wondering, “Why am I not getting laid?” I knew exactly why. Here it is.

I can’t help but drop some stats to reinforce the water twirling video. (This was the last post, see that first.) Ladies, hold your responses, I know you’re turned on.

The question was raised, “If the water is NOT swirling when you pull the plug in a basin, won’t the coriolis force make it twirl the same way every time?”

My conclusion. “No. It’s random.”

Over the course of several days, I (or my students) would fill the same tub seen in the video with water, and let it sit for a minimum of 6 hours (often more). Then we’d pull the plug from the completely still water. We did this 14 times. And saw some minor surprises.

Of those 14 times down the drain……
3 times it spun clockwise
2 times it spun counter-clockwise
7 TIMES IT SPUN FIRST ONE-WAY, THEN REVERSED AND WENT THE OTHER (I did not record which way it spun first)
1 time it had no spin at all.

I have no idea why it would spin two different directions on the way down (conservation of angular momentum does not seem to be the answer). But I am reassured that the coriolis force is NOT favoring it to spin one way over the other.

Ladies, feel free to leave your digits on the comments page. I know how hot that just was.

PS. Special thanks to my two physics classes for providing the labor of this great feat in science.

The Hideous Vortex

You all are wrong. I’ve finally proved it. I have video proof to show you on the internet. So it must be true.

Just about every crack-smoker I’ve talked to thinks that water twirls clockwise down the drain in the northern hemisphere, and counter-clockwise in the southern hemisphere. This is a lie. People claim the coriolis force is responsible for the twirling direction. More lies. I blame poor education, rap music, and “museums” on the equator (like in Quito, Ecuador) for perpetuating these fallacies

Below is a video, filmed in my classroom, that dispels the myth. It also proves that I really am an educator of America’s youth, which I know many of you have doubted for years. Yes, there are lots of flaws in the video. It’s dark, starts in mid-sentence, and is about 4 minutes longer than my average attention span.

But it also amazing, because who of us actually know what our friends do at work? For example, OJ says he’s an engineer, but what does that mean? Does he actually draw up airplanes, or just wear a striped train-driver hat and surf the internet? Gants says he makes video games. I picture this as meaning he puts suction cups all over his body (like that Golem actor in Lord of the Rings) and does fighting moves while being filmed. And Aaron? Holy shit, after hearing the jibber-jabber he describes, I think he drops acid all day then plays slot machines.

So here’s the video. Let me ruin the ending for you. Water goes both ways, regardless of hemisphere. Just like OJ’s mom. (That never gets old.)

Ringo dispels the lies!