Konichiwa Monkeytown

Jen and I are in Japan. It is extremely awesome, or `Shirabashi!` as i have been told to say.

Today i went to the Mt. Takasaki Nature reserve. this place is known because 1 bizillion monkeys show up there all the time. Its not a zoo with monkeys behind cages, theyre walking right past you, between familiies, etc. its impressive yet alarming. i dont know if they are just unaweare that they outnumber the humans in the park by 100 to 1, or if they just like the good feedings. but they could do some serious damage if they liked.

all signs and announcements were in Japanese. so when all the monkeys started jumping over my head, running through my legs, and coming out of hte woodwork, i had no idea what was going on. i thought the monkey messiah was about to descencd from above. instead, some poor guy with a huge cart of apples went sprinting through the monkey park as about 1000 monkeys sprinted towards him with great passion. i have never seen anything quite so awesome yet scary. the stronger monkeys jumped onto the moving cart, while the rest caught the spilling apples. how that poor guy did not get ripped limb from limb ill never know. i thought i was sabout to watch monkeys go carniverous. im pretty sure that guy was doing this as community service.

Mr. T Gives a Shout-out to Moms

I pity the fool who don’t treat his mother right. There are few words needed to introduce this classic video that was somehow left off the “Greatest Videos of All Time List.” Without further ado, I present to you, “Treat Your Mother Right,” by Mr. T.

Coup d'etat!!

Yesterday there was a coup attempt against the president here in my neighborhood! Here’s how it went down.*

A few generals and senators were on trial for corruption and starting a coup against president Arroyo a while back. The trial was getting boring, so the generals and senator stood up and said, “This party’s dead anyway. Peace out.”

They then marched across the street (with a few dozen minions) to the 5-star Peninsula Hotel for cocktails. They were surrounded by police who didn’t try to stop them because they knew staging a coup would make the Philippines more exciting for everyone. The security guards of the hotel had guns, but they realized these generals coming at them enjoyed using guns. So they wisely got the hell out of there.

The coup leaders then kicked all the guests out, popped open the Crystal, and began texting hos to come kick it with them. Their initial statement to the press was, “When President Arroyo sees how many shorties we got behind us, she will step down immediately, or at least come join our posse.”

Unfortunately for the coup leaders, it was raining yesterday. So the thousands of supporters never quite made it. To make things worse, thousands of Marines decided they liked President Arroyo, and that she paid the bills. It also seemed pretty novel to throw tear gas into a 5-star hotel, so they did that. They also drove a tank through the doors, and fired their guns into the air like Yosemite Sam.

The coup leaders then issued another statement saying, “We give up. Thanks for nothing to all of our so-called-friends who didn’t join our coup.”

GMA (the president) then said “Everyone is very tired from a busy day and needs their sleep. The whole country must be in bed by midnight, or you will go to jail, just like all the journalists that were arrested today.”

* I am not a journalist, and thus, I make no claims that what I present is true. In fact, I make a lot of stuff up.

Marathon = Cancelled

Meet my new physical therapist. His name is Johnny. He’s only 12 years old, but he’s been around the block a time or two.

Today I cancelled our flight to Singapore for the marathon. There’s no way I would have finished it. Since a twenty mile run last month, my knee has been messed up. Rest and physical therapy kept me in denial about the injury, but I barely made it 6 miles tonight in my run.

The Greatest Day Ever

Good news everyone. Monday, Nov. 26 is a holiday. Don't go to work. Or to school. It is international "Stay at Home and Revel in Missouri's Victory Over Kansas Day." Whatis the point of going in? How much can you really accomplish when there are hundreds of articles to be read that give every detail of Mizzou's victory over Kansas? All you will do is keep asking if the rankings have come out yet. And when the rankings do come out, all you will do is try to pick the best frame to hold the color print-out that says, "Missouri Tigers, #1 in the Nation." Unbelievable.

It's OK to Hate

This week will be a celebration of hate. Usually this is not OK. People automatically tend to think of terrible things like “hate crimes,” which are obviously bad. However, to hate an establishment such as the University of Kansas is 100% OK. It’s better than OK, because it’s fun.

It really can’t get any more fun than 10-1 Mizzou playing undefeated Kansas at Arrowhead Stadium next Saturday. I’m sweating just thinking about it. Cheering on one’s favorite team in an apocalyptic game is a great feeling. For example, every second of the Cardinals vs. Tigers World Series was the embodiment of awesome. However, the upcoming border war could be even bigger for one important reason. I don’t hate the Detroit Tigers, but I very much hate the Kansas Jayhawks. Mathematically, it works like this:

Love of one team + hatred of opposing team = 2 x Awesome.

If you’re reading this, do yourself a favor. When you Hi-5 a fellow Tiger fan, don’t just say, “How about them Tigers?” Quickly follow that statement with a “How about those pig-****-ing Jayhawks?” Next to your giant black and gold MU flag, tie a noose around a blue and red bird. If you donate to Mizzou scholarship fund, see what you can do to embezzle funds from the state of Kansas.

7 days and counting. M-I-Z Beat-K-U

Still on the Horse, But I See Mongo Coming

My knee has been put in a state of rest. The doctor can’t find anything wrong with it, so the diagnosis is overtraining. The cure is rest. The question is if I have enough time to rest it before the Singapore Marathon on Dec. 2. That’s in 2.5 weeks. In the meantime I can ride a stationary bike. I can also stretch. I can also see a physical therapist. I can also stock up on beer, whiskey, cigarettes, chewing tobacco, heroin, and other vices that I plan on taking up if my knee forces me to miss my second marathon in a year. If you fall off the horse once, get back on. If you fall off twice, then you punch the horse in the face like that guy Mongo from blazing saddles.

My Physical and Mental Instability

I’m on the edge. After over two months of training for a marathon in the smog capital of the world, my knee decides to start acting up. This is not something I’m not mentally able to deal with. Here’s why….
1. After over two months of training of last year in Manila, I broke my foot.
2. I’ve been severely limiting my intake of caffeine.
3. I’ve been severely limiting my intake of alcohol.

Those 3 things: caffeine, alcohol, and not being broken, are all 3 of my favorite things. If my knee doesn’t get better, I may have to eat a can of instant coffee, wash it down with rubbing alcohol, and start chucking things out my 13th floor window until I break someone else.

Actually my knee is not that bad. I can still run, but it starts to hurt every time after about 30 minutes. That’s bad enough for me to be concerned. I’m resting it, and it should end up ok. But I’ve got some Nescafe and Isopropyl in my desk drawer just in case.

Dingoes and Whores

This past week has been a great one. My younger brother, aka The Dingo, is currently out to visit. Hence the Dingo part of this entry’s title. Myself, the Dingo, Jen, and Craig have all just returned from the Philippine island of Siquijor (pronounced Sig-ee-whore). Hence the whore part of the title. We chose this island solely based on the name.

After catching a taxi, to an airplane, to van, to a ferry, to a jeepney, we finally arrived at our island resort. It was awesome. Palm trees, huts, hammocks, geckos, etc. They also had awesome food.*

The island was about 10 miles in diameter, and the best way to see a lot of it is by motorbike. We rented these and spread terror into the hearts of all by the intimidating picture we made rolling into the barangays (neighborhoods). We were actually pretty popular wherever we went, but Jen could have run for mayor in every place. Blond white women on motorbikes don’t roll through town every day apparently. Go figure.

I’m still in training for the Singapore marathon, so I had to put in a lot of miles as well. I wasn’t as popular as Jen, but I was no less a spectacle when running. Besides the normal “Hey Joe!” several people chose to shout “Manny Pacquiao!” He is a famous Philipino boxer. It’s not that I look like Pacquiao; it’s just that he and I are apparently the only people stupid enough to run for the sake of exercise in the Philippines. Whilst dodging caribou and goats on an 20 mile run, i managed to suck down 2 packets of energy goo. That suuff is awesometown. I now spread it on toast.

We have since returned to Manila where we recently went out to the Malate area in costume for Halloween. Funny enough, we were just about the only people in costume. Bizarre.

Today, I took Greg on every tourist’s favorite part of SE Asia: bootleg DVD shopping! However, karma intervened as we were pulled over on the motorbike on the way home and I had to bribe the policeman out of taking my license. The best part was that when I handed him my license, he said I should not have clipped money to it. “This makes me think you are trying to bribe me sir.” He then asked for more money. I love the philippines.

* Craig made a vow to eat bacon with every meal during our trip. He succeeded, and is currently still on the streak. I try to spend a lot of time with Craig, since his cardiologist suggests he will not live past 35 at this rate.

U Can't Touch This

Here's our latest video, I hope you all enjoy.



if this doesn't work, try
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fk31DTtP4_4

Back on a Horse named Marathon

It’s like the old saying goes, “If at first you try to run, but then break your foot whilst photographing a gecko; try, try again.”

So I’m going to attempt, once again, to run a marathon. This one happens in Singapore on Dec. 2,(see The Singapore Marathon) and should be a sizable affair. I expect there will be over 30,000 people there. Yes, surprisingly enough, there are that many people who think running that far along the equator in 100% humidity is a good idea.

Training has begun already. I’ve been running with the high school cross country team a good bit and keeping up pretty well. My formerly broken foot seems to be pretty close to normal. I’ve also been staying away from geckos.

Fortunately, Jen will venture to Singapore with me for the Marathon. She will cheer me on and look into ordering Singapore Slings immediately after the race. I don’t know what that drink is, but odds are I’ll have one. A few other colleagues from my school will also be competing in the race.

A little known fact about Manila: Of the 12,345 major-world-metropolises, Manila is currently ranked 12,343rd* as best place to train for a marathon, based on its available open spaces, traffic, pedestrian paths, and air quality.

* 12,344th is Baghdad; 12,345th is the Lost City of Atlantis

My Nephew Fernando

I am an uncle! I would like to thank my Brother Jeff and Sister-in-law Kelly for bestowing this title upon me. Aunt Jen says the same.

I hope you're able to see the picture above of Jeff, Kelly, and Fernando. I wish I knew who took that shot.

Just a couple of days ago, on Sept. 1, little Fernando Dingrando was born at somewhere between 5 and 10 pounds. His true name has not yet been divulged, so he will be known as Fernando until I hear otherwise. Actually, probably longer. One of my students actually suggested Alexandro Dingrando as a more exotic possibility. I almost like that better, but I didn’t think of it, so it gets 2nd place.

Jen and I are immediately diverting our attentions to buying ridiculous shit for the little tyke. Mainly Halloween costumes. It is our goal to supply him with enough costumes in enough sizes to last him until he’s 16. I’m currently having a pink bunny suit* tailor made for a zero-year-old. It will say on it, “My Uncle went to Manila and all I got was this ridiculous pink bunny suit.”

Hong Kong Fooey

I have seen the future, and it is Hong Kong.

Jen and I made use of our long weekend (Happy Nino Aquino day everyone!) by traveling to Hong Kong. It is an ass-kicking city. Here’s why.

• Trains! First go underground about 15 stories and hope the sea doesn’t come in. Then buy a magical pass (called an Octopus card) that you keep in your wallet. Third, just wave your wallet at the turnstile as you go through.* Then you get on the train and go to a new magical place. You can even use your card to buy things at 7-11.
• Big Buddha! Take the train out to beautiful countryside and see a huge metal Buddha the size of Optimus Prime. You can also burn incense the size of a baseball bat.
• Giant Escalator! I dig moving walkways of all sorts. When I learned that it is a means of commuting to work in Hong Kong, I nearly applied for a working visa. It’s got to be almost a mile long. It flows down from the hills in the morning, and then reverses in the pm to get drunken businessmen home.
• Halloween Street: We found a street full of wigs, costume jewelry, and disco balls. All with negotiable prices. Jen and I would have cleared all the shelves if we weren’t trying to pay off our honeymoon. Good thing I swapped my watch for a giant disco ball.
• Conveyer Belt Sushi: This isn’t unique to Hong Kong, but you can’t help but love it when food comes to you on a conveyor belt. Special music from an old cartoon plays in my head whenever I see this.

Now I have another long weekend to celebrate my friend’s 40th birthday. Whoot whoot! Ask me about the Fredstock 2007 Toga Celebration in case I forget to tell you. It’ll be big.

* Given another day, I was considering an experiment where I would swallow my octopus card and then hump the turnstile for entrance. Despite the comedic value of this, time did not allow.

Thriller Mania in Cebu

Thanks to the MANY who have brought this Philippine awesomeness to my attention. Check out the dancing inmates of Cebu city (south of Manila).



if this doesn't work, paste this into browswer....
http://youtube.com/watch?v=hMnk7lh9M3o

Apparently, the warden had the idea to introduce the dancing. Here’s a news story that covers it (poor sound).

http://youtube.com/watch?v=UWf3y6r0kmA

wow wow wow. The internet has done so much for this world.

A Mosquito Gang Bang

Wow. How 'bout that for a title?

So far me and Jen's honeymoon in the Canadian Rockies has met expectations of awesomeness.

Most recently we witnessed the Calgary Stampede, which is like moving Texas up north and removing the drawl. Why have i never been to a rodeo till now? My life was previously empty. Strapping crazy people to large angry animals is probably the closest thing we'll ever to see to Roman Colosseum type activities.* I also bought an Elvis Belt buckle which i will wear every day to school until they make me stop.

Before that I took Jen on her first backpacking trip in Banff national Park. And as the title of this post says, it was indeed a Mosquito gang bang. Few people now the life cycle of a mosquito. Here it is.
1. During end of summer, mosquito's lay eggs in water.
2. Water freezes on top. Eggs hatch below.
3. While water is frozen, mosquitoes get dirty, and create baby mosquitoes.
4. Baby mosquitoes repeat step 3, until water thaws next summer. This is a long time in Canada.

By the time Jen and I hiked into Banff, these 3-bizillion inbred blood starved mosquitoes were ready to violate us in ways i can't even talk about. Other than that, Banff is an awesome park. we saw really cool stuff.

Global warming is a real issue my friends. I think a couple of dinosaur-age-mosquitoes laid eggs underneath Antarctica. And thus those mosquitoes have been humping and starving for about 1 million years. When they thaw out, lord help the kiwis, Australians, and Chileans. They'll be like the people eaten by waves of jungle ants in that awesome episode of Macgyver. Nothing but bones. (more like a deflated, bloodless sack in this case)

However, Jen still really enjoyed the backpacking trip, and still likes me. This is a sign of her awesomeness.

* Ringo does not endorse the feeding of Christians (or any religions) to wild animals.

Like MacArthur, I'm coming back

Back to the US tomorrow! Woooooooooooooo!

I will………
• Eat McDonald’s breakfast sandwiches
• Drink American beer
• Breathe clean air
• Go to a baseball game, and listen to games on the radio
• Run on streets without fearing for my life
• See friends and family.
and most of all, get married.

not necessarily in that order.

Bebot - The Video

You've all been waiting. The long awaited third video by Ringo and Craig. To the music of the Blackeyed Peas, I present, Bebot



if this doesn't work, paste this into your browser.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4g3r0xRjQjs

Podcasting Like a Flock of Whales

Unlike my younger brother*, I have a face for radio. Thus I’m taking a break from all of my calendar shoots and music video making to enter the world of podcasting. Since the telephone is not my favorite medium, and I haven’t been calling any of you much, you probably miss the sound of my voice. In fact, there’s no probably about it, I’m sure you miss my voice. Good news my sad friends. I’m on the web. Check it out.

The Prophet Ringo speaks!!!

If this is successful, I’m told I can set it up so that your ipod automatically downloads my newest podcast. This way, you can listen to me during your morning commute so as not to miss any important Ringo announcements.

* He claims he can be seen on Channel 7, “The Spirit of Missouri.”

Hammertime at Scubataha

Ahoy me hearties! I can speak like this because I’ve been at sea. I certainly haven’t been at sea this whole time (since my last blog entry), but I was winded since making that Thriller Video.

Why have I been at sea? Glad you asked. Jen and I (and 18 other teacher friends) were on the scuba expedition of a lifetime. You know it was life changing, because my friend Fred and I made t-shirts to commemorate the event. And we got tattoos that match the t-shirts.

We flew to the island of Palawan (known for monkeys that do naughty things in public) and then boarded the Stella Maris, which is much like a Carnival cruise ship in quality, but nothing like that in any other way. The Stella Maris then set sail for some crazy atoll, Tubbataha, in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. An atoll is an island that started to grow up from the ocean, but then gave up about one foot short of breaking the surface. Then, in tropical places, coral goes apeshit on the atoll and grows everywhere. Fish like coral and warm places, so they go to atolls for spring break, much like people.

Our dive master’s name was Ivan Drago. He was actually German, but he was muscular, blonde, and if he ever said, “I must break you,” at any point in his life, it was probably during the filming of Rocky IV.

Our ship then parked near the atoll and we scuba dove three to five times every day. Even at night. It was crazy-go-nuts. We saw sharks, sea turtles, octopi, iridescent jellyfish, and more. There were two highlights. One was a hammerhead shark that was nearly as awesome as MC hammer. The second was a giant manta ray. Manta rays and hammerhead sharks are famous for disproving the theory of Intelligent Design because there is absolutely nothing intelligent about their design.

Then we sailed back home. This consisted of 12 hours of rocking back and forth so intensely that I went into the fetal position and promised myself I’d never go on a boat again.*

All in all, awesome trip! Definitely doing it again next spring break!


* Did you ever see that Bugs Bunny episode? The one where the ship rocked one way, and the soup slid towards Bugs, and he took three quick bites. Then the ship rocked the other way, and the bowl slid towards Yosemite Sam, and he took three quick bites. It was exactly like that. I live in a cartoon.

The Thriller Music Video

It's complete. Make sure you watch this so you know the moves for the wedding.

The Time Has Come the Walrus said,

To talk of many things.

Last week we had no classes in the high school. Instead all the kids and teachers were out in the provinces on service trips. Myself and the some students stayed in the village of Tugdaan at a school for indigenous kids. It was really boss, and I should say a lot of inspiring things about how moving it was. Those things would all be true, but I’ll let the pictures speak to that when I get them online. Instead let me comment on how 21 rich city slickers watched how pork goes from being alive to becoming pork chops. I’m pretty sure half the kids became vegetarians. (No worries Gants, not me!)

Upon returning to the city, I ran my longest pre-marathon training run at about 19 miles. It was not very fun. However, you should all be aware that if you are white and running in the Philippines and someone shouts “Hey Joe!” They are speaking to you, because you are representing GI Joe. But, if you actually stop to recite a moral lesson about not hiding in a refrigerator while playing with your friends, and then finish the lesson by saying, “Knowing’s half the battle. Go Joe!” They will stare at you blankly.*

My friend Elaina and I choreographed the thriller dance for the wedding. This consisted mainly of us watching the video, and then telling ourselves how awesome we were. Would a How-To video be useful for you all to practice before the wedding? Don’t say I won’t do it.

* Does anyone know what the hell I’m talking about?

The Manila Marathon - Prelims

I’ve decided I’m going to run a marathon. There’s no backing out now, as I ran 16 miles yesterday. What better place to run your first marathon than Manila? It’s the most humid place on earth and the particular marathon hosted here is technically uphill. (It starts on the bay and follows the river inland). It also starts at 4:30 in the morning. You’d be crazy to not take part in such an enjoyable experience.

The Philippine Marathon

That aside, I’m all in. I’ve been training since about Christmas-time. I won’t bore you with the training schedule, but don’t think for a minute it doesn’t still involve my good friend San Miguel. In my training, I’ve learned a lot about the Philippines. For example, it is illegal to run with your shirt off. When the sun is out here, it gets hot, so I figured I’d just take my shirt off while running through one of the local neighborhoods. I was quickly stopped by an official looking man with a gun.

Guy with Gun: Sir. What are you doing?
Sweaty Ringo: (pause to acknowledge the obvious) Running.
Guy with Gun: You cannot run with no clothes on.
Sweaty Ringo: I have no clothes on?
Guy with Gun: Sir, we have gotten complaints.
Sweaty Ringo: Complaints?
Guy with Gun: You pay a fine sir.
Ringo: (pause, silence)

Here we came to a draw. I had to run with a shirt on because he had a gun. But, he could not extract a bribe, since I obviously had no cash, nor even an identification to confiscate.* So I ran off.

The race is less than a month away, on Feb. 24, so look for race results on the blog sometime then. Until that time, I’ll be running a lot. With clothes on.

* I was not so lucky when pulled over on my motor bike. On that occasion, the policeman rode with me on the back of my motorbike around the corner, where he extracted an exorbitant bribe from me in order to return my driver license.

The Monster Dance

Good news my friends. The wedding of myself and Jen will be really awesome. Here’s why.

We decided that it is not entertaining for the first dance of our wedding reception to be only for the bride and groom to slow dance to whilst Bryan Adams sings “Everything I Do (I Do It for You),” from the hit movie, Robin Hood. We talked to several reputable sources (ourselves) for suggestions, and have concluded there is only one option.

Choreographed Thriller Dance!!!! Woooooooooooooooo! This will be our first dance. It will be involve multiple people.

You love the monster dance? I know you do. And how about that zombie shoulder shrug? It’s in. You want to see bridesmaids and groomsmen in full-on wedding regalia reenacting the greatest video ever? Me too. Done.

Of course this means the rehearsal dinner is now a real rehearsal. Make sure you are stretched out.

Oh yes. June 30th is looking very probably like the day. Please clear your calendars and try to forget that I may have….
A. Missed your wedding.
B. Attended your wedding, and horribly embarrassed you and your parents.
C. Caused several of your past relationships to fail, due to our super-hard-core lifestyle exhibited in Columbia, Kansas City, Denver, St. Louis, Australia etc.