Brushing and Shaving

People ask me all the time, “Ringo, what is it like inside your head?”*

In response, I have made this short film. It is an example of what it’s like in my head while shaving and brushing before work.

* In reality, no one has ever asked me that. But if they ever do, I will show them this short film.

(Oh yes. I now have my driver’s license back. I paid our school’s security chief, he paid his driver, and his driver bribed Manila City Hall. Indeed, you cannot fight city hall.)

Ringo Loves/Hates Manila

One of my New Year’s resolutions was to try to like Manila more. The past week I was doing well. Jen and I took up Tagalog lessons again. (That’s the language of the Philippines). I even created a new phrase that is sweeping Manila. “Mataas na lima!” That means literally, “A tall-looking number five.” Say this to any Philipino you know, and hold your hand up to receive a hi-5. If they don’t have any idea what you are talking about, inform them that they are not cool. I made my students memorize it, and their homework this weekend was to spread that across the city.

Our friends Tim and Lisa came to visit us from China for the weekend. We took them on an awesome walking tour of Manila by Carlos Cedran. I learned lots about my new home city. For example, many of the socially elite families in the Philippines are partially descended from wealthy Chinese who arrived in the 1800’s. The last names were just changed to sound more Spanish. The tour guide rattled off about 50 famous families. I think I teach all of them at my school.

But then I come to hate Manila as well. Here’s the conversation that led to my driver’s license being confiscated:

Policeman: “Sir. You were going the wrong way on a one-way street.”
Ringo: “What? Was there a sign?”
Policeman: “Yes sir. Come. I’ll show it to you.”
Ringo: “Wow. I missed it. That’s the size of a postage stamp though. Maybe the 5 of you policeman would be better for safety if you put up a bigger sign instead of just waiting for someone to go the wrong way.”
Policeman: “Sir, I have to confiscate your license. And you have to go to traffic school.”
Ringo: “Wow. That sucks. How about I pay you a bribe?”
Policeman: “Good idea sir. Let’s drive into a dark alley.”

We drive into a dark alley.

Policeman: “Sir. I will do you a favor. I will give you your license back and go to traffic school for you.”
Ringo: “Awesome! Mataas na lima!”
Policeman: “Yes sir. You just need to pay me 1 bizillion pesos.”
Ringo: “You’re crazy.
Policeman: “But sir, regulation #4359 states clearly that the amount for bribery tonight is 1 bizillion.”
Ringo: “Talaga? (really?) Why don’t you just keep my license? Store it safely in your anal cavity till I finish traffic school.”

Things deteriorated from here. So I am now the only expat I know who has refused to pay the bribe. Tomorrow I have to go City Hall to bribe the guy there. I’ll keep you all posted.