SCUBA Superhero

Wow. It’s been a stressful month of school for both Jen and me. Fortunately it is now spring break. Jen is de-stressing by returning to St. Louis for a week.

I am de-stressing by becoming a SCUBA superhero. I am taking an Advanced Scuba Diver course in Puerto Galera, Philippines. To complete this I need to complete 5 tasks before the local High Master of Scuba.
1. Dive to the deepest depths of the ocean and retrieve a translucent and blind sea creature of my choice.
2. Breathe various gases while diving such as nitrox, pure oxygen, liquid oxygen, and helium. (On the helium dive I am required to sing funny songs into a sound recorder).
3. Infiltrate a hostile scuba facility at night while dressed all in black. I must plant an exploding device and sink one of their ships, which then helps me with task #4.
4. Penetrate the “wrecked” ship that I caused the previous evening.
5. Explain in detail my wreck dive to the High Master of Scuba. I must use the verb “penetrate” at least 5 times without laughing.

Wish me luck.

Tiny Planes Mean Massive Fun

Saturday I went on a flight with Jen and our friend Molly. Ordinarily this would not be blog-worthy, except for the fact that this plane was the size of a Volkswagen and built in 1948. As you can imagine, it was a non-stop flight to planet to kick-ass.

Here are the top 5 pics. Let me know if this link doesn't work for you non-facebookers. (not that there's anything wrong with that).


The plane was owned and flown by an ex-military American guy named Jimmy. He was stationed in Manila at Clark Air Force base throughout the 70’s and 80’s. As you can imagine, he fought communism on a daily basis, much like you and I fight tooth decay. However, instead of being armed with a small brush and floss, he employed a multi-million dollar fighter plane capable of travelling faster than sound and ready to rain down shock and awe on anything stamped with a hammer and sickle.

Now retired, Jimmy flew us in a classic 4 seater plane called a Navion. There were absolutely no computerized mechanisms, given that when the plane was built, a computer was so big it had its own gravitational field. He flew us north to the rice and vegetable terraces of the Northern Philippines. Then we landed at a resort for lunch and beers*. We got back in our sweet ride and then circled around Mt. Pinatubo until we were seconds away from vomiting, and then landed.

* No beers for Jimmy. 

The Sexpatriots Return to Murphy's

I am proud to announce that in one week, the Sexpatriots will be rocking Manila hard once again from the beer flowing oasis known as Murphy’s Irish Pub. You may be prone to ask, “Why will this performance be any better than the last?” Two reasons.

Reason 1: Tattoos. While some drummers are relentlessly practicing fills to a metronome and complex gua-guan-co rhythms, I am designing 1000 custom made rub on tattoos that will be distributed by waitresses to every person present whether they want one or not. Some people would consider this extreme and neither a good use of time nor money. Those people will not be at our show.

Reason 2: Original Songs. We will perform four songs of our own creation. You can rest assured these will hit the internet within hours of their live debut. I was greatly involved in writing the lyrics of two of these songs. I am proud to say that these lyrics are completely inappropriate, and may pre-maturely end any hopes I had of breaking into the world of children’s entertainment.*

* Breathe easy. I never held those hopes.

The Hammer Dance Contest

You may not believe this.

So a while ago Craig and I made a music video set to U Can’t Touch This by MC Hammer and posted it on Youtube. It has received over 20,000 hits, which we were quite pleased about. Recently, I received a message from a lady claiming to work for the Hammer (I am not lying). She said his website, (dancejam.com) was having a contest entitled “Do Your Best Hammer Dance,” and that we should enter our video. On Sunday I entered it, and in 48 hours, it has already received over 4000 views. We are in 2nd place. If we win, we get a trip to San Fran and a free dance lesson from the Hammer himself. Obviously, if this happens, I can basically retire from life on top. Go to this site below. View it. Rate it. Share it with your friends.

http://dancejam.com/contests/hammerdance/entries/1054596319-hammertime-in-manila

Living the dream

Cool Indian Activity #3: Kite Flying

Kite Fighting!: Currently in India it is kite flying season. And much like you may have read about in The Kite Runner, the kites do battle, with the winner cutting the other person's kite string. If you stand on the roof of any building at dusk, you can see about 100 kites in the air. It's unlike anything I've ever seen. The string has powdered glass glued to it so it will cut the string of your opponent. I was just learning how to fly when the kids on the next roof attacked my kite with theirs. Like a true pro, I immediately screamed like a little girl and dropped my spool. When I picked it back up and pulled like crazy, immediate jeers of laughter broke out from a third rooftop. I had somehow won! Had this been Japan, those poor kids would probably have to commit hari-kari from the shame of it all.

Cool Indian Activity #2: Pan Chewing

Sorry for the extended delay between posting Cool Indian Activity #1 and #2. I'm sure the wait has been hardly bearable.

Pan Chewing: After yet another home-cooked-Indian-meal-that-was-better-than-any-Indian-restaurant-I've-ever-been-to, the lady of the house whips out a small metal box filled with about 20 jars of brightly colored powders and crumbs, as well as four fresh green leaves. It was time to chew Pan. Sort of the Indian equivalent to Red Man chewing tobacco. She made a drug cocktail on the leaf with about 8 ingredients and rolled it into a small cone. I was not wild about chewing it. Remembering back to the first time I tried chewing tobacco, I realized that if I put this into my mouth, there was about a 60 percent chance I would vomit. All over this nice family's living room. Fortunately, there was about 6 others standing over me saying I would be much cooler if I did it. As a graduate of the DARE program in my youth (Drug Abuse Resistance Education), I immediately gave in to peer pressure. As a reader, I know you will be disappointed to hear that I did not throw up. Sorry.

Cool Indian Activity #1: Street Shave

After getting bored of days and days of seeing ancient wonders of the world, we decided to embark on “do cool Indian activities.” I performed three Indian activities of note. Here they are, in three different posts.

1. Street-side shave: Down just about any alley you can find a barber w/ a chair. He may not speak any English, but it’s pretty easy to point at one’s beard and convey that you’d like it to go away. Granted, I might actually be making the sign for, “See my head? I’d like you to cut it off.” Fortunately, my barber was friendly. Using a brand new blade (as he always does) he gave me and my friend Greg a close and comfortable shave for about 10 rupees (20 cents) each, not counting the tip we gave because he had to endure picture taking.

Christmas in India

I have just experienced my first Indian Christmas, and it did not disappoint. Here’s how it went down.

Jen and I flew to the eastern side of India to the state of Orissa. Here we were picked up by PK and Tuni, who were Jen’s neighbors back in St. Louis. They grew up here in Orissa, and are back visiting. We are staying with their relatives in the city of Cuttack. They live in a giant house and happen to have a lot of family visiting as well. I would try and name everyone who is currently staying at the house, but my interpretation of the spelling of everyone’s names would only amplify my misunderstanding of the actual pronunciatation. Let me only mention that PK’s daughter Sonju, husband Greg, and two small kids are also visiting, and they are from the US. This is important, because it leads to xmas.

The next day we took a road trip. Unfortunately, we didn’t get very far because the horn on the car was broken. You may think, “A horn is not really essential to driving.” You are wrong. In India, driving without a horn is like going to work with no pants on. We drove from repair shop to repair shop until we found someone to fix it. Our driver was about 5 seconds away from purchasing an air horn and having me lean out the window to blow it constantly. Finally, we made the trip successfully, and loudly. We saw an ancient Hindu Sun Temple and the beach, where we rode a camel. The picture above is of Jen and I riding the camel. Too bad you can't see the camel.

On Xmas eve day, we were taken shopping by friends. Jen stimulated the ailing south Asian economy by increasing fabric sales by 30%. Meanwhile folks back at the house had fastened some tree branches together to make a xmas tree and the youngsters decorated it with anything and everything. American food was served (almost as delicious as Indian food), and about 10 more people arrived to add to the general confusion of names. The kids unwrapped presents whilst the adults drank scotch*. A merry xmas was had by all.

Our next plan was to try and see Bengal Tigers in West Bengal. That’s been totally scrapped. Now we are flying up to Darjeeling to accomplish three important things…..
• Lie on a bed of nails.
• See how Darjeeling Tea is made.
• See Mount Everest (only 1 centimeter away by my map)

* If this is not part of your traditional family xmas, it should be.

Ringo in Bollywood

Thus far in our trip to India there has been a great deal of awesome, even though most of it has been partially eclipsed by the extreme awesomeness of seeing a Bollywood movie in the theatre here.

A list of highlights thus far……
• Seeing the Taj Mahal: Special props to our friends Simon and Kelly for setting this up. They accompanied us on everything below.
• Our rock star status (at the Taj): We’re at a wonder of the modern world, and people want to take pictures of us. In actuality, they want to take pictures of Jen, but since I’m there, I get in the photo also.
• Eating: Every meal. Every time. If India and Thailand fought in a culinary war, it would be a close battle.
• Ridiculous photos: Simon and I were allowed to dress up in traditional Maharaja garb and pose for photos which we purchased. If we offended the entire country of India, I apologize.
• Bollywood: We bought tickets for a Bollywood flick showing at the Raj Jantur* theatre in Jaipur. Watching movies anywhere else is now boring. Approximately 0.01 % was in English, but the plot was simple enough to understand. When the main actor / actress appear for the first time, people go nuts and start cheering. Then, in the middle of a dramatic scene, people break into song and dance (unfortunately, only the characters, not the people sitting next to me).

No we are flying out to Orissa on the east of India to see PK and Tuni, who are family friends of Jen. Hope to update again soon.

* I made that name up, because I can’t remember the theatre name. But it is famous. I swear.

Rockin' the Sitar

We're off to India! Whoot whoot.

Here are my goals.......
1. Lay on a bed of Nails
2. Ride an Elephant
3. Take part in a Baliwood type scene, where everyone bursts into song and dance.
4. See a Tiger.
5. Not get eaten by Tiger.
6. Outsource some work.
7. Inquire about room rates and vacancy at the Taj Mahal. (i'm pretty sure i'm the first person to thnk about that.)
below is my indian treat for you. i apologize if this is old news.

Long, Strong, and Down to Get the Friction On*

You’ll be pleased to know that I am not writing today about my band (despite our current off-the-chart levels of awesomeness). Instead I’d like to call attention to my hair, which is strong. I hope the picture above does it justice. My hair has never been so long. I can’t verify this, but I don’t think it has been cut since early in the summer. My current hair styling routine consists of waking up, showering, and then trying to make my hair as big as possible. Unfortunately, I am soon reaching a turning point when I need to actually have a plan for it. However, Jen and I are about to embark on our holiday break to India, where I can guarantee my hair at least 3 more weeks of unbridled rampaging.

* Is there really any other possible title for this post? No. There is not. If you have recently tossed away your mp3 of Sir Mixx A Lott (and left it), please do your self a favor and pull up quick and retrieve it.

First Ever Video Footage of the Sexpatrtiots

Here is the song "Play That Funky Music." You may find it a bit long, but i recommend you check out the keyboard solo by James.


This is just a portion of the song, "Summer of 69."

The Sexpatriots Conquer Manila

I am extremely excited to announce that the Sexpatriots will now be performing on a regular monthly basis at Murphy’s Bar!

As the announcement above implies, our first entirely public performance was a huge success. We played two sets, 15 songs in total. At no point were bottles thrown at the stage, nor were there cries for lower volume. I take that as a huge positive. On the other hand, no ladies were throwing their clothing on stage, nor were there cries for more volume. That’s too bad. We will discuss how to rectify that at our next rehearsal.

The manager of Murphy’s reported that she was well pleased with our performance and would now like us to play again in January, and then monthly after that. Obviously all of Manila loves us. Some would argue that since we bring a crowd of at least 30 wealthy expatriate friends with us to a performance, it doesn’t matter what we sound like. That may be true, and I have no problem with that.

If any of you overseas readers would like to hire The Sexpatriots for your private functions, see the associated costs below. The band fee can be slightly reduced in exchange for a raise in drink allowance.
Estimated International Airfare for 5 $10,000
Drink bill $200
Band Fee $85

Total $10,285

(I am currently working on getting a video clip on you tube.)

Unemployment Rocks Hard

All five members of our band, The Sexpatriots, have now been officially fired from our school. This ensures that our sole means of income will be our gig tonight, and that we are professional musicians. Keep in mind that by “official,” I mean I had a conversation with Steve (the assistant superintendant and bass player) that went like this…

Me: “Hey Steve. You should fire us all now.”
Steve: “Ok. Done.”

I don’t know if that will stand up in a court of law. Let’s hope it doesn’t have to.

Some bands spend the time before big performances endlessly checking sound and stage logistics. This is wrong, as it takes away from your spontaneity and stage presence. Instead, I have been practicing autograph signing and tossing my sticks into the crowd without injuring people. Our guitarist, Pat, has been working on smashing a guitar, on the off chance that immediately after the show, someone will toss him a guitar and say, “Here is a cheap guitar that I bought specifically so you can smash it! Please do so!” Our keyboardist James is shopping on the internet for a “keytar*,” partially because it would be awesome, and partially because our financial future is looking better and better. Read on to discover why.

Keep an eye to the web so you don’t miss signing up for our internet based fan club. Actually, you won’t really need to, as just by reading this blog, you are automatically registered (as is your financial info). Hope you are looking forward to receiving those holiday coffee mugs emblazoned with “Sexpatriotism Is Not a Crime” and “Santa is a Sexpatriot.” Thanks for your donation. It is tax deductible. (As far as I know.)

* Yes, that is a keytar in the photo. No, that is not our keyboardist.

Sexpatriots Declare They Will Turn Pro

The Sexpatriots have logged another successful performance. Bear in mind that I consider any performance where we no one’s ears to bleed to be a success. However, after performing at my school’s “Foam Party,” we consider the crowd reaction to be a positive. We only did a short set, but we were well pleased.

This weekend however, I will officially become a professional musician. The Oxford unabridged dictionary defines a professional musician as “one who earns a living predominantly through the means of musical performance.” As of Saturday, when The Sexpatriots perform at Murphy’s bar, we will fit this definition.

“How?” you may ask. Good question. My friend and bass player Steve is the Assistant Superintendant of ISM. I don’t really know what his defined duties at my school are, but I’m pretty sure he has the power to fire people.* Just before we perform this weekend, I’ll have Steve fire us all. Thus, we’ll have no income except for what’s coming from the gig. Viola. We’ll be pros. Assuming no major record contracts sign us after the performance, I’ll probably ask Steve to rehire us.

The Sexpatriots have recently made leaps and bounds into the world of quality recording. There is a 50% chance I’ll be able to get a quality video AND sound recording of a few select songs. In which case, there is a 100% chance you’ll see that short clip on you tube.

* I personally fire my colleagues all the time. However, this is not legally binding.

The Orangutan Video

I was here. I filmed it. I don't think i will ever see anything like it again.

Orangutans and Speakers, Together at Last

As you all know, i have dealt in the business of awesomeness for a long time now. And when i go on a hot streak, i tend to not play it up too much, because the laws of statistics tend to even things out. However, you can start calling me the Joe DiMagio of Awesomeness, because i am rolling! Let me explain.

Thursday: The Sexpatriots' new speakers and amplifier were delivered to my house. Manila is about to be hit hard with dual 500 W speakers and amp brought to us by Yamaha. This was acoustically awesome.

Friday: The last day of school of before break. That evening we boarded a plane and flew to Jakarta, Indonesia. A Canadian friend of ours (Eric), had his parents' driver pick us up from the airport and take us to their home. Bizarre, eh? This was internationally awesome.

Saturday: We flew from Jakarta to the large jungle island of Borneo. We were picked up from the airport, put on a boat, and sailed up the river into the jungle. We had only been on the boat for about 2 hours when we saw a giant orangutan hanging from a tree eating. Then we went to an orangutan sanctuary and saw about 5 more orangutans scarfing bananas! This was environmentally awesome.

Sunday: We woke up on the boat, and sailed into the famous Camp Leakey. Used for rehabbing orangutans. We then saw about 10 to 15 orangutans, the large male King Orangutan (Tom), and a gibbon. This was primately awesome.

Monday: Again we woke up on the boat and sailed back to camp Leakey. We saw even more orangutans. This time we saw the famous Princess. She actually knows sign language and figured out how to steal a canoe. We also saw the gibbon again. A gibbon may even be more awesome than an orangutan. It is like a miniature swinging orangutan on crack. This was swingingly awesome.

Tuesday: Today, we again woke on the boat and sailed back downstream to the nearby town. We then visited a center where orphaned orangutans (stolen from their mothers) are returned. They are then cared for until old enough to face the wild. Not only did we get to hold baby orangutans, but then we also got to play with the juviniles. The term "going apeshit" means nothing until you have one orangutan swinging from your arms while another one jumps onto your head. And yes, one ape did fling some poo. This day was the definition of awesome.

Stolen From My Head

Guten tag!

It's not often that i completely steal from another person's blog, but this level of awesomeness cannot go unnoticed. The illustrious Mark Gants, on his blog Dabolikal Musings (which is excellent), has posted a German music video. I am in awe. I almost have trouble enjoying it, because i am so jealous that i neither made the video, nor got to play drums in it. If you watch the video, you'll see why. And if you ever had the good fortune to take part in (or even associate with) a marching drumline, you'll appreciate that the last part of the video does not even scratch the surface of what must have gone in to making this video.

Sexpatriotism Leads in the Polls!!

I am just about to head to my second live performance with my band, The Sexpatriots. My friends Neil and Boston are hosting a party known as ROKtoberfest. It will be a combination of quality beer and quality rock. The attire is either “old-school German lederhosen” or “rock-star.” I have cleverly combined the two. That is me in the picture. Yes, the beard is real.

The Sexpatriots have expanded our repertoire to a possible 11 songs. And in all honesty, as people explore the quality beer aspect of the party more and more, we may do the first couple songs over again, and make it a baker’s dozen.

In other exciting news, next month we have been booked for our first completely public gig, at a local pub here in Manila. Not only do we get to play for strangers, but the bar is giving us free drinks. And just in case this post couldn’t get any more ridiculous, let me throw in the fact that bar will also pay us. In cash*.

Yes indeed. It is a strange and awesome world that we live in.

* I don’t want to imply that paying in cash is outside the norm here in Manila. It’s not like most bars pay their entertainment with livestock. I’m just implying it is rare for me personally to be paid in cash to play music.

Sabotage - The Music Video

It is my great pleasure to present to you the 5th major music video production by myself and Craig. It is entitled Sabotage, and is set to the song of the same title by the classic hip hop artists, The Beastie Boys. I hope you enjoy.



And in case you're thinking, "the 5th music video??!! Holy crap! My life has been wasted up until now!" You are actually correct. What have you been doing with your life that you haven't seen the 4 previous vidoes? (presented below, in reverse chronological order, for your reverse pleasure)

You Spin Me Round 2008

U Can’t Touch This 2007

Bebot 2007

Thriller 2007

BTW: I have now officially broken up with Movie Maker and i-movie (this vid made on i-movie). Both are worthless programs.