Cool Indian Activity #1: Street Shave

After getting bored of days and days of seeing ancient wonders of the world, we decided to embark on “do cool Indian activities.” I performed three Indian activities of note. Here they are, in three different posts.

1. Street-side shave: Down just about any alley you can find a barber w/ a chair. He may not speak any English, but it’s pretty easy to point at one’s beard and convey that you’d like it to go away. Granted, I might actually be making the sign for, “See my head? I’d like you to cut it off.” Fortunately, my barber was friendly. Using a brand new blade (as he always does) he gave me and my friend Greg a close and comfortable shave for about 10 rupees (20 cents) each, not counting the tip we gave because he had to endure picture taking.

Christmas in India

I have just experienced my first Indian Christmas, and it did not disappoint. Here’s how it went down.

Jen and I flew to the eastern side of India to the state of Orissa. Here we were picked up by PK and Tuni, who were Jen’s neighbors back in St. Louis. They grew up here in Orissa, and are back visiting. We are staying with their relatives in the city of Cuttack. They live in a giant house and happen to have a lot of family visiting as well. I would try and name everyone who is currently staying at the house, but my interpretation of the spelling of everyone’s names would only amplify my misunderstanding of the actual pronunciatation. Let me only mention that PK’s daughter Sonju, husband Greg, and two small kids are also visiting, and they are from the US. This is important, because it leads to xmas.

The next day we took a road trip. Unfortunately, we didn’t get very far because the horn on the car was broken. You may think, “A horn is not really essential to driving.” You are wrong. In India, driving without a horn is like going to work with no pants on. We drove from repair shop to repair shop until we found someone to fix it. Our driver was about 5 seconds away from purchasing an air horn and having me lean out the window to blow it constantly. Finally, we made the trip successfully, and loudly. We saw an ancient Hindu Sun Temple and the beach, where we rode a camel. The picture above is of Jen and I riding the camel. Too bad you can't see the camel.

On Xmas eve day, we were taken shopping by friends. Jen stimulated the ailing south Asian economy by increasing fabric sales by 30%. Meanwhile folks back at the house had fastened some tree branches together to make a xmas tree and the youngsters decorated it with anything and everything. American food was served (almost as delicious as Indian food), and about 10 more people arrived to add to the general confusion of names. The kids unwrapped presents whilst the adults drank scotch*. A merry xmas was had by all.

Our next plan was to try and see Bengal Tigers in West Bengal. That’s been totally scrapped. Now we are flying up to Darjeeling to accomplish three important things…..
• Lie on a bed of nails.
• See how Darjeeling Tea is made.
• See Mount Everest (only 1 centimeter away by my map)

* If this is not part of your traditional family xmas, it should be.

Ringo in Bollywood

Thus far in our trip to India there has been a great deal of awesome, even though most of it has been partially eclipsed by the extreme awesomeness of seeing a Bollywood movie in the theatre here.

A list of highlights thus far……
• Seeing the Taj Mahal: Special props to our friends Simon and Kelly for setting this up. They accompanied us on everything below.
• Our rock star status (at the Taj): We’re at a wonder of the modern world, and people want to take pictures of us. In actuality, they want to take pictures of Jen, but since I’m there, I get in the photo also.
• Eating: Every meal. Every time. If India and Thailand fought in a culinary war, it would be a close battle.
• Ridiculous photos: Simon and I were allowed to dress up in traditional Maharaja garb and pose for photos which we purchased. If we offended the entire country of India, I apologize.
• Bollywood: We bought tickets for a Bollywood flick showing at the Raj Jantur* theatre in Jaipur. Watching movies anywhere else is now boring. Approximately 0.01 % was in English, but the plot was simple enough to understand. When the main actor / actress appear for the first time, people go nuts and start cheering. Then, in the middle of a dramatic scene, people break into song and dance (unfortunately, only the characters, not the people sitting next to me).

No we are flying out to Orissa on the east of India to see PK and Tuni, who are family friends of Jen. Hope to update again soon.

* I made that name up, because I can’t remember the theatre name. But it is famous. I swear.

Rockin' the Sitar

We're off to India! Whoot whoot.

Here are my goals.......
1. Lay on a bed of Nails
2. Ride an Elephant
3. Take part in a Baliwood type scene, where everyone bursts into song and dance.
4. See a Tiger.
5. Not get eaten by Tiger.
6. Outsource some work.
7. Inquire about room rates and vacancy at the Taj Mahal. (i'm pretty sure i'm the first person to thnk about that.)
below is my indian treat for you. i apologize if this is old news.

Long, Strong, and Down to Get the Friction On*

You’ll be pleased to know that I am not writing today about my band (despite our current off-the-chart levels of awesomeness). Instead I’d like to call attention to my hair, which is strong. I hope the picture above does it justice. My hair has never been so long. I can’t verify this, but I don’t think it has been cut since early in the summer. My current hair styling routine consists of waking up, showering, and then trying to make my hair as big as possible. Unfortunately, I am soon reaching a turning point when I need to actually have a plan for it. However, Jen and I are about to embark on our holiday break to India, where I can guarantee my hair at least 3 more weeks of unbridled rampaging.

* Is there really any other possible title for this post? No. There is not. If you have recently tossed away your mp3 of Sir Mixx A Lott (and left it), please do your self a favor and pull up quick and retrieve it.

First Ever Video Footage of the Sexpatrtiots

Here is the song "Play That Funky Music." You may find it a bit long, but i recommend you check out the keyboard solo by James.


This is just a portion of the song, "Summer of 69."

The Sexpatriots Conquer Manila

I am extremely excited to announce that the Sexpatriots will now be performing on a regular monthly basis at Murphy’s Bar!

As the announcement above implies, our first entirely public performance was a huge success. We played two sets, 15 songs in total. At no point were bottles thrown at the stage, nor were there cries for lower volume. I take that as a huge positive. On the other hand, no ladies were throwing their clothing on stage, nor were there cries for more volume. That’s too bad. We will discuss how to rectify that at our next rehearsal.

The manager of Murphy’s reported that she was well pleased with our performance and would now like us to play again in January, and then monthly after that. Obviously all of Manila loves us. Some would argue that since we bring a crowd of at least 30 wealthy expatriate friends with us to a performance, it doesn’t matter what we sound like. That may be true, and I have no problem with that.

If any of you overseas readers would like to hire The Sexpatriots for your private functions, see the associated costs below. The band fee can be slightly reduced in exchange for a raise in drink allowance.
Estimated International Airfare for 5 $10,000
Drink bill $200
Band Fee $85

Total $10,285

(I am currently working on getting a video clip on you tube.)

Unemployment Rocks Hard

All five members of our band, The Sexpatriots, have now been officially fired from our school. This ensures that our sole means of income will be our gig tonight, and that we are professional musicians. Keep in mind that by “official,” I mean I had a conversation with Steve (the assistant superintendant and bass player) that went like this…

Me: “Hey Steve. You should fire us all now.”
Steve: “Ok. Done.”

I don’t know if that will stand up in a court of law. Let’s hope it doesn’t have to.

Some bands spend the time before big performances endlessly checking sound and stage logistics. This is wrong, as it takes away from your spontaneity and stage presence. Instead, I have been practicing autograph signing and tossing my sticks into the crowd without injuring people. Our guitarist, Pat, has been working on smashing a guitar, on the off chance that immediately after the show, someone will toss him a guitar and say, “Here is a cheap guitar that I bought specifically so you can smash it! Please do so!” Our keyboardist James is shopping on the internet for a “keytar*,” partially because it would be awesome, and partially because our financial future is looking better and better. Read on to discover why.

Keep an eye to the web so you don’t miss signing up for our internet based fan club. Actually, you won’t really need to, as just by reading this blog, you are automatically registered (as is your financial info). Hope you are looking forward to receiving those holiday coffee mugs emblazoned with “Sexpatriotism Is Not a Crime” and “Santa is a Sexpatriot.” Thanks for your donation. It is tax deductible. (As far as I know.)

* Yes, that is a keytar in the photo. No, that is not our keyboardist.

Sexpatriots Declare They Will Turn Pro

The Sexpatriots have logged another successful performance. Bear in mind that I consider any performance where we no one’s ears to bleed to be a success. However, after performing at my school’s “Foam Party,” we consider the crowd reaction to be a positive. We only did a short set, but we were well pleased.

This weekend however, I will officially become a professional musician. The Oxford unabridged dictionary defines a professional musician as “one who earns a living predominantly through the means of musical performance.” As of Saturday, when The Sexpatriots perform at Murphy’s bar, we will fit this definition.

“How?” you may ask. Good question. My friend and bass player Steve is the Assistant Superintendant of ISM. I don’t really know what his defined duties at my school are, but I’m pretty sure he has the power to fire people.* Just before we perform this weekend, I’ll have Steve fire us all. Thus, we’ll have no income except for what’s coming from the gig. Viola. We’ll be pros. Assuming no major record contracts sign us after the performance, I’ll probably ask Steve to rehire us.

The Sexpatriots have recently made leaps and bounds into the world of quality recording. There is a 50% chance I’ll be able to get a quality video AND sound recording of a few select songs. In which case, there is a 100% chance you’ll see that short clip on you tube.

* I personally fire my colleagues all the time. However, this is not legally binding.

The Orangutan Video

I was here. I filmed it. I don't think i will ever see anything like it again.

Orangutans and Speakers, Together at Last

As you all know, i have dealt in the business of awesomeness for a long time now. And when i go on a hot streak, i tend to not play it up too much, because the laws of statistics tend to even things out. However, you can start calling me the Joe DiMagio of Awesomeness, because i am rolling! Let me explain.

Thursday: The Sexpatriots' new speakers and amplifier were delivered to my house. Manila is about to be hit hard with dual 500 W speakers and amp brought to us by Yamaha. This was acoustically awesome.

Friday: The last day of school of before break. That evening we boarded a plane and flew to Jakarta, Indonesia. A Canadian friend of ours (Eric), had his parents' driver pick us up from the airport and take us to their home. Bizarre, eh? This was internationally awesome.

Saturday: We flew from Jakarta to the large jungle island of Borneo. We were picked up from the airport, put on a boat, and sailed up the river into the jungle. We had only been on the boat for about 2 hours when we saw a giant orangutan hanging from a tree eating. Then we went to an orangutan sanctuary and saw about 5 more orangutans scarfing bananas! This was environmentally awesome.

Sunday: We woke up on the boat, and sailed into the famous Camp Leakey. Used for rehabbing orangutans. We then saw about 10 to 15 orangutans, the large male King Orangutan (Tom), and a gibbon. This was primately awesome.

Monday: Again we woke up on the boat and sailed back to camp Leakey. We saw even more orangutans. This time we saw the famous Princess. She actually knows sign language and figured out how to steal a canoe. We also saw the gibbon again. A gibbon may even be more awesome than an orangutan. It is like a miniature swinging orangutan on crack. This was swingingly awesome.

Tuesday: Today, we again woke on the boat and sailed back downstream to the nearby town. We then visited a center where orphaned orangutans (stolen from their mothers) are returned. They are then cared for until old enough to face the wild. Not only did we get to hold baby orangutans, but then we also got to play with the juviniles. The term "going apeshit" means nothing until you have one orangutan swinging from your arms while another one jumps onto your head. And yes, one ape did fling some poo. This day was the definition of awesome.

Stolen From My Head

Guten tag!

It's not often that i completely steal from another person's blog, but this level of awesomeness cannot go unnoticed. The illustrious Mark Gants, on his blog Dabolikal Musings (which is excellent), has posted a German music video. I am in awe. I almost have trouble enjoying it, because i am so jealous that i neither made the video, nor got to play drums in it. If you watch the video, you'll see why. And if you ever had the good fortune to take part in (or even associate with) a marching drumline, you'll appreciate that the last part of the video does not even scratch the surface of what must have gone in to making this video.

Sexpatriotism Leads in the Polls!!

I am just about to head to my second live performance with my band, The Sexpatriots. My friends Neil and Boston are hosting a party known as ROKtoberfest. It will be a combination of quality beer and quality rock. The attire is either “old-school German lederhosen” or “rock-star.” I have cleverly combined the two. That is me in the picture. Yes, the beard is real.

The Sexpatriots have expanded our repertoire to a possible 11 songs. And in all honesty, as people explore the quality beer aspect of the party more and more, we may do the first couple songs over again, and make it a baker’s dozen.

In other exciting news, next month we have been booked for our first completely public gig, at a local pub here in Manila. Not only do we get to play for strangers, but the bar is giving us free drinks. And just in case this post couldn’t get any more ridiculous, let me throw in the fact that bar will also pay us. In cash*.

Yes indeed. It is a strange and awesome world that we live in.

* I don’t want to imply that paying in cash is outside the norm here in Manila. It’s not like most bars pay their entertainment with livestock. I’m just implying it is rare for me personally to be paid in cash to play music.

Sabotage - The Music Video

It is my great pleasure to present to you the 5th major music video production by myself and Craig. It is entitled Sabotage, and is set to the song of the same title by the classic hip hop artists, The Beastie Boys. I hope you enjoy.



And in case you're thinking, "the 5th music video??!! Holy crap! My life has been wasted up until now!" You are actually correct. What have you been doing with your life that you haven't seen the 4 previous vidoes? (presented below, in reverse chronological order, for your reverse pleasure)

You Spin Me Round 2008

U Can’t Touch This 2007

Bebot 2007

Thriller 2007

BTW: I have now officially broken up with Movie Maker and i-movie (this vid made on i-movie). Both are worthless programs.

Sexpatriots Mania Sweeps Manila!

The Sexpatriots in Awesometown. From left to right are Patrick, Steve, Jen (special guest performer), myself, Mike, and James


It is safe to say that I will not be invited to dinner by any of my neighbors. While Jen and I received no formal complaints from them, the neighboring tenants of Crown Tower could not have been overly pleased to listen to the sounds of about 100 people and the booming sound of The Sexpatriots.

Our first performance was a huge success, and I have received nothing but rave reviews. However, as a rule of thumb, when you put on a party and supply all the drinks, and then ask people how much they like you, you should expect positive responses. But I’ll take compliments wherever I can find them. We played six songs, all covers, and I’m pretty sure people could even tell what songs they were supposed to be. As a bonus, Jen even sang as special guest in the song Business Time. She knew all the words, since she has had to listen to us rehearse all the time.

Our next performance will be in just over a week, at a friend’s birthday party. In fact, most of the people who saw us last night will be the same people who will be at the birthday party. This is slightly problematic because we don’t really know any more songs. No matter. We’ll adjust the lighting, play the songs in a different order, and wear sunglasses. It’ll be a whole new world.

The Sexpatriots' Debut

Tomorrow night is the debut of my band The Sexpatriots*. The original idea was to have a small gathering of people at my place to hear the band, and have a few drinks. Fortunately though, Wednesday has been declared a national holiday here in the Philippines, and none of my friends and colleagues have to go to work that morning. Thus, the number of people showing up has escalated exponentially. I’m pretty sure half of Manila will be in attendance.

We’ve been practicing weekly at my condo, due to the wonderful world of technology. I play my sweet electronic Yamaha drum kit, while our keyboardist, singer, guitarist, and bass player all plug into my equally sweet Mackie Mixer. This cacophony of sound is then pumped into my not quite so sweet headphone amplifier, which we all plug into so as to hear ourselves, and at the same time, not annoy my neighbors. However, we can no longer keep this sound under the proverbial basket. Thus, we’ve borrowed some massive Bose speakers from our school, and are now ready to put out. We even had our first noise complaint from a neighbor at rehearsal last night, so I guess that means we are the real thing.

I’d like to dedicate this performance to my friend and financial advisory, Kevin Danz, pictured above. Without those three hours we spent playing old drum cadences and drinking high quality wine this summer, I would never have been convinced to invest so wisely in all my sweet new sound equipment. Student loans can wait. I suggest you all contact him about something you are thinking of buying, but can’t quite pull the trigger.

• There were several other name suggestions for the band, and The Sexpatriots was the most appropriate of them all.

PS: The latest music video is nearly complete. Stay tuned for YouTube action.

Backpacking Awards

Too bad. Summer is over. But here are the top 5 photos from the best backpacking trip ever in the Rockies.

Team Ingrate Rocks Iowa Hard

After a relatively short day on the RAGBRAI, we pulled into the town of Ames, Iowa, home of the Iowa State Cyclones, and by far the largest town we would see. We quickly showered up so we could sit around the Budweiser cooler and talk about how awesome we all were. As a special bonus, some of Andrew's friends and Iowa State Alumni came into town to add to the belligerence.

Our night started fantastically due to the fact that our new friend Rick-a-saurus had a rap album in his car by none other than the Macho Man Randy Savage. Even if you as a reader have only 2 days left to live, make sure you spend one of those days looking for the song “My Perfect Friend,” by the Macho Man*.

Team Ingrate (as the younger members of Team Harold are referred to) represented the team especially well in the bars of Ames. Our main activity was the distribution of Team Harold tattoos, which we excelled at. The conventional way to apply these is to wet the paper backing while pressing the tattoo to skin. However, word quickly spread that these tattoos could only be applied if they were licked on. Any newcomer to the bar would have thought they had walked in to a 1965 acid rave. Andrew and I then topped the evening off with a stunning rendition of Bon Jovi on the karaoke stage. RAGBRAI and Ames loved us.

Based on the previous evening’s activities, the following day’s ride was a struggle. Only about half of team ingrate managed to be involved in the ride, and I’m happy to say I made the entire route.

Only 3 more days left through the great sea of corn.


* For those of you who are unenlightened, this is about “Mr. Perfect” Curt Henning, who apparently, is no longer with us. 

Fueled by Porkchops and Beer

Thus far, after completing 3 days of riding across the state of Iowa, I have come to the conclusion that people on the Tour de France are doing things completely wrong. Those clowns ride like crazy while drinking water and gatorade and munching on power bars and energy goo. I have also learned, to my horror, that once they start in the morning, Tour riders do not stop until the end of the day. That's dumb.

Here in Iowa, we start early. After about 5 miles, we then stop for coffee. After another 7 miles, you stop for a breakfast burrito and a banana. Then you high five some kids in a small town, before you go visit Mr. Porkchop. Mr. Porkchop is an old guy who serves porkchops and yells "AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!" at passing bikers. He serves no side dishes. Your meal consists of a giant porkchop. By about 2 or 3 pm, the budwesier beer tent usually comes into sight. Finally, i like to roll into town about 3 or 4 and then sit around and talk with my team about how awesome we are.

We recently have landed at Ames, Iowa, which is by far the biggest town we've seen so far. I imagine that, against all better judgement, we will go big tonight to mentally prepare ourselves for a repeat performance tomorrow.

RAGBRAI Preseason

Wow wow wow. I am currently on a weeklong bike ride across the state of Iowa entitled the RAGBRAI, which has over 10,000 riders. Our team is known as Team Harold, and we have a bus. The bus ride from the Lou to Iowa was enough to warrant an entry in itself.

The first five minutes of the bus ride were quite dull, so it was suggested that we have a cold beverage. Fortunately, George , (my father-in-law andan Anheiser Busch employee), made sure there was a keg on the bus. As you would expect, most of us calmly sipped our drinks and discussed capital gains taxes and religion. One individual however, was not so calm. Let's call this individual "Joseph" to protect his identity. "Joseph" is 68 years old, a complete unknown to the team as of a week ago, and apparently completely crazy. All of us are highly seasoned in the ways of Budwesier consumption, however, Joseph was lapping everyone.

At this point, Joseph looked around and decided that he needed to armwrestle someone. He chose Brader. Brader was by far the biggest guy on the bus, half of Joseph's age, and looks like a pro wrestler. You may find this hard to believe, but Brader won. He also nearly ripped Joseph's arm off. fortunately Joseph never felt it, since he was speaking jibber-jabber and had to be restrained for the rest of the bus ride. He kept asking for revenge on the big guy and wanting to know where he was, even though he was two feet away.

Eventually, we arrived at Iowa and Joseph was had lost control of all emotions, including his bladder. Hardy, his sponser from Team Harold, then had to turn around and drive the guy all the way back to Missouri. Bizzarre.

Currently, I'm just hoping i don't do anything so horrible that i get voted off the island and sent back home.