Manila Entertainment

It just struck me that I’ve recently seen a lot of awesome / bizarre entertainment here in Manila, and you all need to know about it. I submit to a jury of my peers…….

Exhibit A: Michael Jackson:
I mistakenly heard on the radio that Michael Jackson was performing in Manila. This seemed crazy, but no crazier than the Colorado Rockies in the World Series, so I bought tickets for me and Jen. It was actually a well known Philipino singer, Luke Mujales, singing songs by the pop idol. However, he also had a sparkly glove, back-up dancers, and an afro wig for the earlier Jackson 5 era songs. He also showed Michael Jackson videos while performing. Obviously, all copyright laws were ignored.

Exhibit B: The PBA.
The Philippine Basketball Association. Jen and I caught the local commuter train out to Arraneta Coliseum (sight of the Thrilla in Manila! 1976) to watch the Magnolia Beverage Masters play the Pure Foods Tender Juicy Giants. We rolled up to the ticket window and paid the US equivalent of 6 dollars for box seats, which was good for two games. This was the cheapest professional sporting event I will ever attend.* There are 3 basketball seasons here. We are in the middle of “import season.” This is where each team is allowed one foreign import player over 6’10. I don’t know who won, but it was pretty awesome, especially when you picture Ali and Frazier in this place beating the shit out of each other 30 years ago with 7000 screaming Filipinos ringside.

Exhibit C: Prom
If you are the elite 1% of the country, and in high school, what do you do for prom? You hire lights, magicians, transvestites, and Elvis impersonators. That’s what. Jen and I chaperoned. Wow. The theme was “Las Vegas.” So as the kids walked in, there were ladies on pedestals with feathered headdresses and bikinis on. Also on pedestals were two magicians, two transvestites, and a Filipino Elvis impersonator. “Why transvestites?” you might ask. Good question.

* Let the jury be aware that we only paid this much because we are high rollers. Ticket prices went as low as about $0.25.

Dr. Teeth

before
Now!

I have invested in tooth care.

Mountain Biking!

Last weekend was awesome. Immediately after school on Friday, I rocked hard with my band (as yet nameless) and then met up with Jen and her fellow golfing* ladies for outrageously priced Guinness. I spent most of Saturday wondering who had kicked me in the head the previous evening.

On Sunday, I usually attempt to injure myself in a soccer game, but we had a weekend off. To increase my usage of health insurance, my friend Lee and I decided to go mountain biking. This involved us getting in a taxi at 6 am and driving for an hour out to a strip mall. There we rented bikes from a small bike shop and watched in awe as all the wealthy people of Manila who live in my neighborhood reappeared at this strip mall wearing tight shorts and helmets.

Two extremely nice guys took pity on Lee and I and invited us to ride with them. First we just biked through this neighborhood while I thought about how awesome I was. Next we started up this 80 degree hill for about 2 miles and I thought I was going to sweat so much my organs would come out my pores. I didn’t know bikes had gears that low. If my motorbike has gears one through four, on this mountain bike I was on gear negative twenty-two.

Once at altitude we biked on several nice trails that wound through little villages. Every kid we saw (and there were many) shouted good morning as we passed. We were of rock star status all day. We even biked up to a little village shop that served us fried tofu and Gatorade (not mixed together).

This weekend Jen is off at the beach paradise of Boracay with the ladies. I intend to busy myself with scotch, and then two more chances to injure myself with a game of Australian Rules football today, and soccer tomorrow. What could possibly go wrong?

* Jen will return to the US this summer as well. Probably on the WPGA tour.

How a Rock Star Lives

*
Apologies for not posting in a while. I’ve been busy. How in the world do I spend my time these days? (Aside from the obvious obscene amount of hours spent at school) I’m glad you asked.

I’ve been playing a lot of soccer lately. Most of my friends call it football, which makes me feel very international. Our school has a team mainly made up of faculty and we play weekly in a league. Thus far we are undefeated. My job is to run up and down on the wing a lot and try not to do anything too stupid.

I’ve also been drumming. My self and 3 other teachers and a student have recently been getting together to play some cover songs. We’ve yet to do anything worthy of a music video, but give us some time.

I’ve also still been biking. Judging by the fact that I am alive to write this, you can assume I’ve been doing most of my biking indoors. However, early tomorrow morning I’m supposed to be getting a ride out of town to do some mountain biking. This should be extremely awesome.

Jen and I are still taking Tagalog lessons. My newest favorite phrase is, “Bababa ka ba? Hindi o oo?” This means, “Are you going downstairs? No or yes?” This is not a useful phrase, but it sounds extremely awesome since you get to repeat the same syllables multiple times.

I’ve also been planning the return tour to the US this summer. Hopefully that will be sorted next week and I can give you all dates and tour stops.

* Yes, this is an extremely awesome photo. Yes i took it myself.

I Like to Ride my Bicycle

This was actually written back in March, but I’ve been delayed in posting it.
Now this is not as exciting as my newest music video, but it needs sharing nonetheless.

I’m coming to the US this summer. And during that time I will take part in the RAGBRAI with team Harold. This is a bike ride across the state of Iowa. Team Harold involves Jen’s dad George, a bus with a party deck on top, and much more than I have time to explain.

I have now been on my first two bike training rides. In Manila. The first ride was the most dangerous thing I have done since that invisible orangutan attacked me on the way down Mt. Cotopaxi in Ecuador a few years back*. There is a strict caste system for the roads here. SUV’s are on top. Cars are below, followed by motorbikes. Bicycles are well below that, only slightly above small animals crossing the road. I only traveled from the bike shop to my home, which was about a half mile. Unfortunately this was during rush hour on a weekday. Wow. Apparently I like to jump in the deep end.

The second ride was a better idea. I left at 7 am on Sunday morning, when traffic is at an all time low, and pollution is at only 450% what it is in LA. My biggest concern was this strange thing known as “foot clips.” For you ignorant non-bikers out there (obviously unlike myself), these connect your shoes to the pedals of the bike, thus maximizing your power and your potential for disaster. I made it out to the Mall of Asia with no problem. Here you can bike around a 3 km loop with about 300 other people until the temperature reaches that of magma.

On my way home I was quite proud of myself and was showing of to the people ahead of me in the jeepney (like a bus). Suddenly the jeepney stopped to let a passenger out. With my cat-like reflexes I stopped, only to realize I am still connected to a bicycle. Gravity did not stop, and I immediately fell into the guy who got off the jeepney. I’m sure his blog reads something like, “I was having a great day until this crazy-ass white guy on a bike fell into me.”

I then made sure I always at least had my right foot out of the clip, which did me absolutely no good when I toppled over to the left and saved myself only by grabbing onto the hood of a stopped jeepney. I used my extensive knowledge of Tagalog to ascertain that the driver said, “Hey you crack-smoking whitey! Get the hell off my jeepney!”

I’m still riding though. Granted much of it is indoor on the stationary bike. I’ll keep you all posted.

* I suffered from altitude sickness whilst climbing (successfully I guess) this 18,000 ft volcano in Ecuador in 2005, and am probably lucky to be alive. This happened before the existence of this blog. I have recently recovered my chronicles of the entire Ecuadorian adventure, and despite the sound advice of my publisher, am considering sharing those with the world.

You Spin Me Round (the video!)

The anticipation is finally over. The fourth major video production is now ready for action! I present to you, “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)” by Dead or Alive. I hope you enjoy.



You might be thinking, “WTF? Fourth major production? What does Ringo consider a major production??” Fair enough. In general, my standards are low. Here are the previous three, in reverse chronological order.

U Can’t Touch This

Bebot

Thriller

Ringo's Beard Competition

I am not the head of my department nor of any important professional committees. I have no desire or ambition towards an administrative position. However, it cannot be denied that my leadership abilities, when it comes to important things, are off the chart!

My most recent accomplishment in the world of education was to lead my colleagues in the first annual International School of Manila Beard Growing Competition. This was a three week event that coincided nicely with all our bosses being overseas recruiting new teachers (future beard growers). I am proud to say that we had 16 competitors this year!

After the deadline for unrestricted growth, we took pictures and posted them online. All faculty, staff, and students at ISM are currently voting on line, so I can’t claim victory for myself. However, I’m confident I’ll make top 3.

What purpose did this serve, you may ask? Absolutely none! There were no funds raised, and it benefited society in no way. Awesome eh? And to add to the awesomeness, we’ve begun a week of creative styling. As you can see from the picture above, I’m doing quite well. I’ve made my students refer to me as Mr. Wolverine.*

When I say “we” have engaged in a week of creative styling, I actually mean about 3 of us. All administrators have returned to Manila now, and not all my colleagues share my dedication to the arts, nor the job security of teaching a subject no one else wants to teach.

* The picture above is of “Pinoy Wolverine” or “Philippine Wolverine” as knives are rarely available for Philippine dinners.

Brushing and Shaving

People ask me all the time, “Ringo, what is it like inside your head?”*

In response, I have made this short film. It is an example of what it’s like in my head while shaving and brushing before work.

* In reality, no one has ever asked me that. But if they ever do, I will show them this short film.

(Oh yes. I now have my driver’s license back. I paid our school’s security chief, he paid his driver, and his driver bribed Manila City Hall. Indeed, you cannot fight city hall.)

Ringo Loves/Hates Manila

One of my New Year’s resolutions was to try to like Manila more. The past week I was doing well. Jen and I took up Tagalog lessons again. (That’s the language of the Philippines). I even created a new phrase that is sweeping Manila. “Mataas na lima!” That means literally, “A tall-looking number five.” Say this to any Philipino you know, and hold your hand up to receive a hi-5. If they don’t have any idea what you are talking about, inform them that they are not cool. I made my students memorize it, and their homework this weekend was to spread that across the city.

Our friends Tim and Lisa came to visit us from China for the weekend. We took them on an awesome walking tour of Manila by Carlos Cedran. I learned lots about my new home city. For example, many of the socially elite families in the Philippines are partially descended from wealthy Chinese who arrived in the 1800’s. The last names were just changed to sound more Spanish. The tour guide rattled off about 50 famous families. I think I teach all of them at my school.

But then I come to hate Manila as well. Here’s the conversation that led to my driver’s license being confiscated:

Policeman: “Sir. You were going the wrong way on a one-way street.”
Ringo: “What? Was there a sign?”
Policeman: “Yes sir. Come. I’ll show it to you.”
Ringo: “Wow. I missed it. That’s the size of a postage stamp though. Maybe the 5 of you policeman would be better for safety if you put up a bigger sign instead of just waiting for someone to go the wrong way.”
Policeman: “Sir, I have to confiscate your license. And you have to go to traffic school.”
Ringo: “Wow. That sucks. How about I pay you a bribe?”
Policeman: “Good idea sir. Let’s drive into a dark alley.”

We drive into a dark alley.

Policeman: “Sir. I will do you a favor. I will give you your license back and go to traffic school for you.”
Ringo: “Awesome! Mataas na lima!”
Policeman: “Yes sir. You just need to pay me 1 bizillion pesos.”
Ringo: “You’re crazy.
Policeman: “But sir, regulation #4359 states clearly that the amount for bribery tonight is 1 bizillion.”
Ringo: “Talaga? (really?) Why don’t you just keep my license? Store it safely in your anal cavity till I finish traffic school.”

Things deteriorated from here. So I am now the only expat I know who has refused to pay the bribe. Tomorrow I have to go City Hall to bribe the guy there. I’ll keep you all posted.

A One Minute Tour of Awesometown

I’m a high roller. So is Jen. Here in Manila, we live on the east side in a deluxe apartment in the sky. I wanted to make a video so you all could see the splendor that is Awesometown. However, I realize the average internet user has the attention span of a 5-year-old, so I limited the video length to one minute. Our place is so huge though, that this required me to sprint through the house. I added the energetic music just because it makes me smile. Enjoy.

The One Minute House Tour

Posted 55 Minutes Ago

Here is where Jen and I live in Manila. In high speed action mode.

Ringo's Cinematographic Drawing Board

As I was flying back from Japan last night, I was thinking what would happen if you combined a record player, a tripod, a toy car, a video camera, and a dash of scotch. (These are the things I think about on a regular basis). Today I tried it. Check out the short pilot episode below.




I’m considering employing this type of camera work in my next music video, so let me know what you think of it. Hold on though. I can’t have all 10,000 of you loyal readers posting individually and overloading the server like that incident in 2002. Instead, maybe you can attend a caucus to coordinate your opinions and then choose a leader to voice your ward’s opinion. Isn’t that how things work in Iowa for the primary election? Elections confuse me.

Even Ninjas Have Families

Jen and I are still in Japan, and until quite recently, so was the rest of the Swinehart family. Fortunately the addition 3 more people made travel easier, since they all brought with them some made skills. Such as......

George Swinehart (Jen's dad): Fluent speaker of Japanese and many other languages.
Marilyn Swinehart (Jen's mom): Master of chopsticks
Andrew Swinehart (Jen's brother): Renonwned scholar / importer of Japanese comics

We all travelled around Japan for over a week. We went to Hiroshima to see the atomic bomb site. it was very impressive. Then to Kyoto, the cultural center of japan. We saw lots of temples and even a castle. We climbed to the top of the castle, but guess what? That's right. The princess was in another castle. So then we went on to level 8, which was back in tokyo. All in all an awesome family visit.

Bad news America. Japan is kicking our ass in several areas. Here are a few.
1. Public transport. Most awesome in the world.
2. Food on conveyor belts. We ate sushi from a conveyor belt and then had beer delivered by a minuature bullet train.
3. Robots. I saw a competition on TV between japanese robots. It made the US Battle-Bots look like it was done by 3rd graders.
4. Vending Machines: There is one vending machine for every two people in Japan. For some reason Tommy Lee Jones is on half of them. And they distribute beer.

Konichiwa Monkeytown

Jen and I are in Japan. It is extremely awesome, or `Shirabashi!` as i have been told to say.

Today i went to the Mt. Takasaki Nature reserve. this place is known because 1 bizillion monkeys show up there all the time. Its not a zoo with monkeys behind cages, theyre walking right past you, between familiies, etc. its impressive yet alarming. i dont know if they are just unaweare that they outnumber the humans in the park by 100 to 1, or if they just like the good feedings. but they could do some serious damage if they liked.

all signs and announcements were in Japanese. so when all the monkeys started jumping over my head, running through my legs, and coming out of hte woodwork, i had no idea what was going on. i thought the monkey messiah was about to descencd from above. instead, some poor guy with a huge cart of apples went sprinting through the monkey park as about 1000 monkeys sprinted towards him with great passion. i have never seen anything quite so awesome yet scary. the stronger monkeys jumped onto the moving cart, while the rest caught the spilling apples. how that poor guy did not get ripped limb from limb ill never know. i thought i was sabout to watch monkeys go carniverous. im pretty sure that guy was doing this as community service.

Mr. T Gives a Shout-out to Moms

I pity the fool who don’t treat his mother right. There are few words needed to introduce this classic video that was somehow left off the “Greatest Videos of All Time List.” Without further ado, I present to you, “Treat Your Mother Right,” by Mr. T.

Coup d'etat!!

Yesterday there was a coup attempt against the president here in my neighborhood! Here’s how it went down.*

A few generals and senators were on trial for corruption and starting a coup against president Arroyo a while back. The trial was getting boring, so the generals and senator stood up and said, “This party’s dead anyway. Peace out.”

They then marched across the street (with a few dozen minions) to the 5-star Peninsula Hotel for cocktails. They were surrounded by police who didn’t try to stop them because they knew staging a coup would make the Philippines more exciting for everyone. The security guards of the hotel had guns, but they realized these generals coming at them enjoyed using guns. So they wisely got the hell out of there.

The coup leaders then kicked all the guests out, popped open the Crystal, and began texting hos to come kick it with them. Their initial statement to the press was, “When President Arroyo sees how many shorties we got behind us, she will step down immediately, or at least come join our posse.”

Unfortunately for the coup leaders, it was raining yesterday. So the thousands of supporters never quite made it. To make things worse, thousands of Marines decided they liked President Arroyo, and that she paid the bills. It also seemed pretty novel to throw tear gas into a 5-star hotel, so they did that. They also drove a tank through the doors, and fired their guns into the air like Yosemite Sam.

The coup leaders then issued another statement saying, “We give up. Thanks for nothing to all of our so-called-friends who didn’t join our coup.”

GMA (the president) then said “Everyone is very tired from a busy day and needs their sleep. The whole country must be in bed by midnight, or you will go to jail, just like all the journalists that were arrested today.”

* I am not a journalist, and thus, I make no claims that what I present is true. In fact, I make a lot of stuff up.

Marathon = Cancelled

Meet my new physical therapist. His name is Johnny. He’s only 12 years old, but he’s been around the block a time or two.

Today I cancelled our flight to Singapore for the marathon. There’s no way I would have finished it. Since a twenty mile run last month, my knee has been messed up. Rest and physical therapy kept me in denial about the injury, but I barely made it 6 miles tonight in my run.

The Greatest Day Ever

Good news everyone. Monday, Nov. 26 is a holiday. Don't go to work. Or to school. It is international "Stay at Home and Revel in Missouri's Victory Over Kansas Day." Whatis the point of going in? How much can you really accomplish when there are hundreds of articles to be read that give every detail of Mizzou's victory over Kansas? All you will do is keep asking if the rankings have come out yet. And when the rankings do come out, all you will do is try to pick the best frame to hold the color print-out that says, "Missouri Tigers, #1 in the Nation." Unbelievable.

It's OK to Hate

This week will be a celebration of hate. Usually this is not OK. People automatically tend to think of terrible things like “hate crimes,” which are obviously bad. However, to hate an establishment such as the University of Kansas is 100% OK. It’s better than OK, because it’s fun.

It really can’t get any more fun than 10-1 Mizzou playing undefeated Kansas at Arrowhead Stadium next Saturday. I’m sweating just thinking about it. Cheering on one’s favorite team in an apocalyptic game is a great feeling. For example, every second of the Cardinals vs. Tigers World Series was the embodiment of awesome. However, the upcoming border war could be even bigger for one important reason. I don’t hate the Detroit Tigers, but I very much hate the Kansas Jayhawks. Mathematically, it works like this:

Love of one team + hatred of opposing team = 2 x Awesome.

If you’re reading this, do yourself a favor. When you Hi-5 a fellow Tiger fan, don’t just say, “How about them Tigers?” Quickly follow that statement with a “How about those pig-****-ing Jayhawks?” Next to your giant black and gold MU flag, tie a noose around a blue and red bird. If you donate to Mizzou scholarship fund, see what you can do to embezzle funds from the state of Kansas.

7 days and counting. M-I-Z Beat-K-U

Still on the Horse, But I See Mongo Coming

My knee has been put in a state of rest. The doctor can’t find anything wrong with it, so the diagnosis is overtraining. The cure is rest. The question is if I have enough time to rest it before the Singapore Marathon on Dec. 2. That’s in 2.5 weeks. In the meantime I can ride a stationary bike. I can also stretch. I can also see a physical therapist. I can also stock up on beer, whiskey, cigarettes, chewing tobacco, heroin, and other vices that I plan on taking up if my knee forces me to miss my second marathon in a year. If you fall off the horse once, get back on. If you fall off twice, then you punch the horse in the face like that guy Mongo from blazing saddles.

My Physical and Mental Instability

I’m on the edge. After over two months of training for a marathon in the smog capital of the world, my knee decides to start acting up. This is not something I’m not mentally able to deal with. Here’s why….
1. After over two months of training of last year in Manila, I broke my foot.
2. I’ve been severely limiting my intake of caffeine.
3. I’ve been severely limiting my intake of alcohol.

Those 3 things: caffeine, alcohol, and not being broken, are all 3 of my favorite things. If my knee doesn’t get better, I may have to eat a can of instant coffee, wash it down with rubbing alcohol, and start chucking things out my 13th floor window until I break someone else.

Actually my knee is not that bad. I can still run, but it starts to hurt every time after about 30 minutes. That’s bad enough for me to be concerned. I’m resting it, and it should end up ok. But I’ve got some Nescafe and Isopropyl in my desk drawer just in case.