I am an astronaut

I have completed space camp at Kennedy Space Center. I am now a full fledged astronaut. Here’s how the rest of it went down.

Since Disney (my former employer*) had a ride entitled “NASA: Mission to Mars” we were given a free pass to see the ride and all the rest of Epcot center. Disney makes me a bit nauseous anyway, but if you combine that with a giant centrifuge ride, I was lucky to keep all my previously eaten food where it belonged. We survived this day by finding a sports bar where we could watch the European cup while drinking overpriced beers.

The next day we had “dinner with an Astronaut” with Jon McBride, a retired space shuttle pilot. I didn’t actually see him arrive, but I like to think he either landed a fighter jet in the parking lot or just parachuted in. He gave a presentation related to why he is awesome, after which, we were able to ask questions. I was able to ask several important questions such as, “How does your training before a mission prepare you for the extremely high levels of awesomeness that you are exposed to?” He could not answer fully since that was classified. I’m pretty sure that in Houston there is an “Awesome Simulator” that most of mankind is just not ready to deal with yet.

The next day we went kayaking and I saw a manatee (a sea cow). This had nothing to do with space. It did make me realize however, that on a Florida license plate you can have either a picture of a sea cow, the space shuttle, oranges, wading birds, sea turtles, dolphins, or Hulk Hogan. In fact, most Republicans in the state claim the main reason they need to keep prison levels at capacity is just to keep up with the license plate demand.

All in all it was a highly educational week. I just got to see the notorious drummer known as Kevin Danz (and Mizzou alumni). Now I’m off to Kentucky, the land of bourbon and horses. I will do my best not to combine the two.

* I am proud to say that I worked at the ride “It’s a Small World.” Obviously, I needed the experience to strengthen my resume.

Ringo Loves/Hates Manila

One of my New Year’s resolutions was to try to like Manila more. The past week I was doing well. Jen and I took up Tagalog lessons again. (That’s the language of the Philippines). I even created a new phrase that is sweeping Manila. “Mataas na lima!” That means literally, “A tall-looking number five.” Say this to any Philipino you know, and hold your hand up to receive a hi-5. If they don’t have any idea what you are talking about, inform them that they are not cool. I made my students memorize it, and their homework this weekend was to spread that across the city.

Our friends Tim and Lisa came to visit us from China for the weekend. We took them on an awesome walking tour of Manila by Carlos Cedran. I learned lots about my new home city. For example, many of the socially elite families in the Philippines are partially descended from wealthy Chinese who arrived in the 1800’s. The last names were just changed to sound more Spanish. The tour guide rattled off about 50 famous families. I think I teach all of them at my school.

But then I come to hate Manila as well. Here’s the conversation that led to my driver’s license being confiscated:

Policeman: “Sir. You were going the wrong way on a one-way street.”
Ringo: “What? Was there a sign?”
Policeman: “Yes sir. Come. I’ll show it to you.”
Ringo: “Wow. I missed it. That’s the size of a postage stamp though. Maybe the 5 of you policeman would be better for safety if you put up a bigger sign instead of just waiting for someone to go the wrong way.”
Policeman: “Sir, I have to confiscate your license. And you have to go to traffic school.”
Ringo: “Wow. That sucks. How about I pay you a bribe?”
Policeman: “Good idea sir. Let’s drive into a dark alley.”

We drive into a dark alley.

Policeman: “Sir. I will do you a favor. I will give you your license back and go to traffic school for you.”
Ringo: “Awesome! Mataas na lima!”
Policeman: “Yes sir. You just need to pay me 1 bizillion pesos.”
Ringo: “You’re crazy.
Policeman: “But sir, regulation #4359 states clearly that the amount for bribery tonight is 1 bizillion.”
Ringo: “Talaga? (really?) Why don’t you just keep my license? Store it safely in your anal cavity till I finish traffic school.”

Things deteriorated from here. So I am now the only expat I know who has refused to pay the bribe. Tomorrow I have to go City Hall to bribe the guy there. I’ll keep you all posted.