Manila All Star

Switching on Awesometown

2010-03-19T18:18:00.000+08:00

5 Seconds of Dance

2010-03-11T21:42:00.003+08:00

What has happened to my blogging? I'm totally slacking! Sometimes, life gets too awesome to record it properly. That is precisely what has happened. Hopefully, I'll put some literary details soon, but until then, enjoy the latest Ringo-vid.

How to Appear Famous

2009-11-08T14:53:00.001+08:00

This is the latest video by myself and Craig. Enjoy.

I Went Through Thailand on a Horse with No Name

2009-10-31T19:17:00.004+08:00

My cousin Dante has come to meet me in Thailand. We have heard that one night in Bangkok makes a hard man crumble. This is actually false, it takes 3. After waking up one morning with bits of fried grasshopper in my teeth (eaten the night before), we realized the city was too much, and we fled northwards for peace.

When deposited into a mountain/jungle paradise such as northern Thailand, what do you do? Get massages? Take a yoga course or a cooking course? No. You rent motorcycles and you terrorize the countryside. It rocked. We swam in waterfalls, climbed through caves, drove around elephants, jumped over fences, and obviously, sampled local beverages. Several things on my to-do list have now been crossed off. See below.

Ride an elephant. check.
See an elephant play harmonica and demostrate the doppler effect simultaneously. check.
See a monkey shoot baskets. check.
Eat fried bugs. check.
Ride motorcycle in a place that is not Manila. check.
Sing karaoke at an outdoor Thai festival. check.
Introduce Thailand to Halloween. Not checked off yet.
Hi-five the king of Thailand. Not check off yet.
One night left, hopefully i can make those last two happen.

How to Make a 5 Minute Chocolate Cake

2009-10-04T09:14:00.002+08:00

Craig and I have made a new video. Check it out.

We are also busily working on another. Look for that soon.

A One Minute Tour of Awesometown

2009-08-23T23:43:00.004+08:00

I have a new place in Manila. As you can probably guess, it is called Awesometown. Check out this one minute tour. You may also notice my new ability to make text dance in videos. I am about to enter a new era. Enjoy.

I Like to Ride my Bicycle, through Holland

2009-08-16T13:54:00.005+08:00

The summer is over and I am now back in Manila. However, I have returned to a storm of shit that makes those frogs that Moses sent raining down on Egypt look like a spring shower. Fortunately, for you the reader, this blog is not the proper forum to go into that. Let’s talk about Holland.

After leaving Amsterdam, I worked my south via train, sleeping occasionally but mainly renting bicycles to see the countryside. This worked great until I got to Rotterdam, and then had my bicycle stolen, despite the fact that it had more chains around it than Mr. T. Obviously I wasn’t getting the deposit back, but I figured to keep myself from being charged even more, it was best to flee the country.

Here are 6 pics taken before I become a fugitive.

I sought sanctuary in Dusseldorf, Germany with my Dutch friend Harmen. Harmen has 3 amazing abilities: fast walking, fast talking, and fast drinking. Through this combination, the walking Dutchman convinced me to go back to Amsterdam for another weekend of debauchery. Which I did. We did nothing cultural, and instead remained highly focused on belligerence. Thus, I have no pictures (mercifully) from that final push through the bricked streets of Amsterdam.

Amstergoddam!

2009-07-09T18:01:00.002+08:00

On my last night in hamburg i made the mistake of combining large quantities of beer and sauerkraut. Thus i needed some time off of toxins. Too bad i was soon on a train to Amsterdam, where the city slogan is "Amsterdam, where if you ask about it, it's probably legal."

I found a room in a hostel that i felt quite at home in since it had a population density similar to manila. only cleaner. after exploring for 30 minutes on foot, i was told by the police i needed to rent a bicycle or they were not going to be able to control the crowds of people laughing at me. renting a bike is easy, except for the 1.5 hour course you have to take on how to use all 5 locking mechanisms to keep the bike from being stolen. i felt i got a good price until a friend of mine purchased a stolen bike for only 20 euros. he was also cooler than me, since his a stolen item.

I met 2 vikings from Norway and an Australian, so we went off explore the city. similar to Hamburg, i needed to compare the Amsterdam Red Light District to Burgos St., Manila. here's how they competed.

Dirtier: winner is Amsterdam.
Cheaper: winner is Burgos
Most Eastern Europeans in glass window booths: winner is Amsterdam

We soon realized that the red light district was not really for us though, and we concentrated on our forte, which was pubs. once i again, i saw the sun rise.

the next day i went to some museums, the only problem is that after a night out in Amsterdam, even Van Gogh's freakiest shit seems pretty tame.

Hamburg Ala Gants

2009-07-01T05:21:00.003+08:00

BubbleShare: Share photos - Play some Online Games.

First i went to Berlin. It was impressive, but the Stassi of the GDR confiscated my film, so there are no photos of the communistic splendor.

Then i went to Hamburg to visit the illustrious Mark Gants and his girlfriend Anja. A highlight was when we investigated the Reeperbahn. This was important research, as i needed to answer the questions that everyone back home in Manila wants to know.

Q: Can the Reeperbahn really be dirtier than Manila's red light district of Burgos St?
A: No

Q: Is it bigger than Burgos?
A: Yes.

So big in fact, that we partied all night there. Then at about 6 am, everyone starts shuffling like zombies downhill to the harbour, for the famous Sunday Fish Market. It is like a slow motion parade. And do the zombies want fish? No way. There is live music, coffee, pastries, and of course, more booze. Like good zombies, we partook of everything.

One of my other favorite activities was when the three of us canoed through the canals of Hamburg. It was like a high class version of an Ozark, Missouri float trip. I saw and did much more, but i have no more time to write. i must rest.

Because.....tomorrow i visit those bicycle riding, sub-sea-level dwelling, windmill building people known as the Dutch. Who live in Holland. Also called the Netherlands. Which has confused American school children for years.

Reykjavik has been Rocked

2009-07-01T05:15:00.002+08:00

When i bought my ticket to Europe, i was surprised at how cheap it was. but then i realized it was because it was going to take me about 48 hours to fly there. Why? Well, partially because of a 12 hour layover in Reykjavik, Iceland! But as the saying goes, "When life gives you lemons, go look for Vikings."

I had a few goals during this 12 hours.........

* Find a t-shirt that says, "Ringo Rocked Reykjavik."
* Drink grog with a Viking.
* Venture outside the airport in a snowstorm, and then when darkness falls, cut open the Ton-Ton beast that i am riding, and sleep inside it to stay warm.

I accomplished none of these. but i did leave visit the city, and did the following.

* Found t-shirt above.
* Visited a viking museum.
* Drank Viking beer.
* Walked around in the rain, and got cold.

on to Duetschland!

Happy New Year Missouri!

2009-06-25T05:51:00.003+08:00

The year of the Ringo started well with a Cardinal baseball victory in St. Louis. I then looked for another good omen as I travelled to Columbia. I was greatly relieved to see the Columns of Mizzou still standing. Omen granted.

Things were almost derailed on my way to Kansas Cityby the not-too-surprising fact that occasionally, Greyhound Busses, is a sub-par operation. That my friends, is a perfect example of a company that is still embracing Year of the Rat philosophies, and not Year of the Ringo.

In Kansas City, Aaron, Jamie, and Katie helped to make Day of Gluttony a huge success. After a keg of Boulevard and an uncountable mass of meat was sacrificed, the Gods were appeased.

The Year of the Ringo

2009-06-25T05:38:00.002+08:00

The Chinese do not start their years on Jan. 1. Neither do I. Sometime around early June, we completed the Year of the Rat. And while i personally realized a few positives to come out of that year, on an overall scale, it sucked hard core.

Presently, the Chinese calendars have labelled the new year as 'year of the ox.' This is wrong. June, 2009 until June 2010 will now officially be known as 'year of the Ringo.' This will entail 365 days of celebrating all that is Ringo. The first celebrations took place in Missouri.............

Family Time in the Dirty South

2009-06-18T01:06:00.002+08:00

That's my nephew Leo. He's destined for great things, especially when that incredibly loud drum set that i ordered for him arrives. It's called the "The Sanity Destroyer." It is given a consumer report rating of 5 stars by uncles who don't live in the same country as their nephews, and a rating of -1 stars by parents.

I was recently hanging out with Leo, and my brother and sister-in-law (Jeff and Kelly) in Lexington, Kentucky. My role was to teach Leo sweet WWF style wrestling moves. This consisted of pushing the air-mattress and couches together and then tossing Leo off the top turn buckle. I found this was best done just before bedtime. The key was to wind the little guy up to a level known as "delirious with hysteria" and then turn him over to Jeff and Kelly and walk out the door with my hands raised up in victory.

It is currently undetermined whether i will be invited back to Lexington in the future.

Off to my birth place, and then a date with the St. Lunatics.

Red, White and Blue is the New Black

2009-06-18T00:50:00.002+08:00

If you're an American, you may look at the picture above and think, "I don't see anything strange there." But if you are one of the MANY international readers of this blog, you probably see the fashion catastrophe above and think to yourself, "Holy Shit! Someone has combined a waving American Flag, a Bald Eagle, and the Grand Canyon all into one shirt!?"

This is America my friends. Patriotism is not just a feeling, it's a fashion statement.

Now i don't want to be entirely critical. This gem of a garment was found at The Cracker Barrel, an establishment that was the first of my US tour to reunite me with biscuits and gravy. That is a food that could solve some world problems. I don't know how, but i think it could.

Ringo Sacks the Windy City

2009-06-14T07:44:00.003+08:00

As i left Manila to begin the summer travels it was raining. No surprise.

Things were sunnier when i finally landed (about 24 sleepless hours later) in Chicago to a family fiesta. There was a quick onslaught of my mom, brothers, nephew, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. Towards 6 pm i was fighting off a collapse so i had a cup of coffee* to try and stay awake until 9. The next thing i know myself, the Dingo, Monica, and Colleen are out for live band karaoke until 1 am. Yes we sang, and yes we they loved us. Then Colleen declared the next day a no-work day (as if i had responsibility anyway), and we proceeded to some other establishment to shoot virtual deer with electronic shotguns. I cannot recommend a greater cure for jet-lag.

I woke up two days later behind home plate in the 10th row at a White Sox game. Lord knows that given the festivities beforehand, i could have woken up in much worse places. We completed the Chicagoland visit with running through Lincoln Park and a viewing of the Blue Man Group. I then rendezvoused with my other brother and sister-in-law to hitch a ride into the Dirty South.

* I don't what brand of coffee that was, but i want more.

Rocking Myself into Exile

2009-06-07T07:41:00.005+08:00

Last night my band rocked so hard that Manila said, "We cannot contain you. Get out." I did not need to be told twice, hence this comes to you via Seoul airport.

We rocked especially hard because.............
- My friend Keith joined in on harmonica, and he is a bad ass harmonica player. I mean, he has multiple harmonicas that he removes from a sheath in a similar manner to when Voltron draws his sword before slaying some blood curdling alien beast.
- The magazine article came out! The Sexpatriots were given a two page article in Expat Travel and Leisure, complete with a gratuitious amount of pictures and quotes. Yes, you will all receive autographed copies for Xmas. i know that's what you want.
- We played 3 sets (instead of the normal 2) because we are long, strong, and down to get the friction on. Some guy even bought us all beers. Yes, the bar gives us free drinks anyway, but it's the thought that counts. And yes, it also would have been more awesome if it was some smokin' hot female who bought us drinks, but we're still working on attracting that demographic.

When it Rains Too Much, Give Up

2009-06-05T11:26:00.002+08:00

Rainy season has arrived in Manila. It is raining 24 hours a day, and even beginning to darken the soul. There is only one solution: a final night of extended rock by The Sexpatriots at Murphy’s, and then boarding an airplane to get the hell out of Dodge.

I hit US soil in Chicago, and provided I’m not carrying heroin (it’s not on my packing list), I’ll be released back to America to the sound of thousands of fans chanting “USA!,
USA!, USA!” After Chicago it’s on to Kentucky and then Missouri. Look for the crazy-haired guy wearing the red-white-and-blue cowboy suit. That will be me.

My Cristal Life - The Music Video

2009-05-31T23:02:00.001+08:00

Say what you want about me, but don’t claim that I don’t put out. Here is my 6th major music video production in 3 years. This one is extra special as it is an original song by my band, The Sexpatriots. Patrick wrote the song. I helped with the lyrics (as will become obvious when you hear it).

You’d like to watch the other videos again? Of course you would!
Sabotage 2008
You Spin Me Round 2008
U Can’t Touch This 2007 Unfortunately this was removed for copyright violation. ☹
Bebot 2007
Thriller 2007

If you can afford the flight, we hope to see you at our last gig before summer holidays this Friday night, June 5th, at Murphy’s Pub.

Ringo Rules Australian Rules

2009-05-31T22:40:00.002+08:00

I live a bizarre life. Earlier this week I was selected as a member of the Philippine National Team of Australian Rules Football. We played an international tournament this weekend here in Manila. If you’re wondering what the hell Aussie rules is, it is this…

Keep in mind those are professionals. I look nothing like that. And if anyone runs at me that hard, I get down in the fetal position immediately. But I really did play in the tournament. We didn’t win many games, and I didn’t score any goals, but I did give myself the award for “Best American on The Philippine National Australian Rules Team.”

Ringo is Ready to Get Prolific

2009-05-25T06:03:00.003+08:00

As a loyal reader of the Manila All Star blog site, you must be thinking “Ringo has let me down. How can I live vicariously through him if he is not producing literary witticisms and semi-factual adventures?” My apologies. But I’m starting to feel it again. You may want to stretch out, because I prophesize that my production rate is about to get prolific*. Here’s what you have to look forward to……

• Magazine article on The Sexpatriots: A magazine in Manila entitled Expat Travel and Leisure recently sent an editor and photographer to interview my band. I hope the title of the article is Sexpats for Expats.

• Original Music Video: We are literally days away from the release of The Sexpatriots first music video. Unlike the debacle where MC Hammer nearly sued me for copyright violation, this will be completely legal. The pic above is from the vid.

• Relocation of Awesometown Studios. That’s right, I’m moving again. Those bastards that own my student loan have caught up to me. Look for a high speed video tour of my new pad soon.

• Ringo’s US tour: I’ll be performing in Chicago, the Dirty South (Lexington, KY), St. Louis, Columbia, and KC. Please go to ticketmaster for concert and ticket info.

• Ringo in Europe: My manager has decided that I have been rocking the 3rd World for long enough, and that I need some culture. Unbeknownst to him though, my tour of culture will be conducted by the illustrious Mark Gants (in Germany) and the Magnanimous* Marc Shelley (in Switzerland).

* I looked up the definition of “prolific.” And it is certainly the appropriate word here, especially when you look at its alliteration value in that sentence. Admittedly though, I don’t really know what magnanimous means.

Craig's Helmet Cam on a Manila Mission

2009-04-11T14:29:00.002+08:00

This is the footage from Craig's helmet cam. and i also hope you notice that one particular blog writer is becoming quite adept at using Final Cut Express. whoot whoot.

The Helmet Cam

2009-04-09T18:59:00.002+08:00

There are times when you have no other options but to build a helmet cam.

Ringo on Vocals

2009-04-05T14:24:00.001+08:00

While I did excel at being a scuba warrior, my true calling is to be a rockstar. At our latest pub performance, I was even allowed to do vocals on a song that’s a favorite of everyone who is awesome: The Distance by Cake. This was my first attempt at vocals, so keep your expectations low. Plus, I’m playing drums at the same time. Easier said then done.

SCUBA Superhero

2009-03-14T19:19:00.003+08:00

Wow. It’s been a stressful month of school for both Jen and me. Fortunately it is now spring break. Jen is de-stressing by returning to St. Louis for a week.

I am de-stressing by becoming a SCUBA superhero. I am taking an Advanced Scuba Diver course in Puerto Galera, Philippines. To complete this I need to complete 5 tasks before the local High Master of Scuba.
1. Dive to the deepest depths of the ocean and retrieve a translucent and blind sea creature of my choice.
2. Breathe various gases while diving such as nitrox, pure oxygen, liquid oxygen, and helium. (On the helium dive I am required to sing funny songs into a sound recorder).
3. Infiltrate a hostile scuba facility at night while dressed all in black. I must plant an exploding device and sink one of their ships, which then helps me with task #4.
4. Penetrate the “wrecked” ship that I caused the previous evening.
5. Explain in detail my wreck dive to the High Master of Scuba. I must use the verb “penetrate” at least 5 times without laughing.

Wish me luck.

Tiny Planes Mean Massive Fun

2009-02-23T14:07:00.003+08:00

Saturday I went on a flight with Jen and our friend Molly. Ordinarily this would not be blog-worthy, except for the fact that this plane was the size of a Volkswagen and built in 1948. As you can imagine, it was a non-stop flight to planet to kick-ass.

Here are the top 5 pics. Let me know if this link doesn't work for you non-facebookers. (not that there's anything wrong with that).

The plane was owned and flown by an ex-military American guy named Jimmy. He was stationed in Manila at Clark Air Force base throughout the 70’s and 80’s. As you can imagine, he fought communism on a daily basis, much like you and I fight tooth decay. However, instead of being armed with a small brush and floss, he employed a multi-million dollar fighter plane capable of travelling faster than sound and ready to rain down shock and awe on anything stamped with a hammer and sickle.

Now retired, Jimmy flew us in a classic 4 seater plane called a Navion. There were absolutely no computerized mechanisms, given that when the plane was built, a computer was so big it had its own gravitational field. He flew us north to the rice and vegetable terraces of the Northern Philippines. Then we landed at a resort for lunch and beers*. We got back in our sweet ride and then circled around Mt. Pinatubo until we were seconds away from vomiting, and then landed.

* No beers for Jimmy. 

The Sexpatriots Return to Murphy's

2009-01-24T16:29:00.002+08:00

I am proud to announce that in one week, the Sexpatriots will be rocking Manila hard once again from the beer flowing oasis known as Murphy’s Irish Pub. You may be prone to ask, “Why will this performance be any better than the last?” Two reasons.

Reason 1: Tattoos. While some drummers are relentlessly practicing fills to a metronome and complex gua-guan-co rhythms, I am designing 1000 custom made rub on tattoos that will be distributed by waitresses to every person present whether they want one or not. Some people would consider this extreme and neither a good use of time nor money. Those people will not be at our show.

Reason 2: Original Songs. We will perform four songs of our own creation. You can rest assured these will hit the internet within hours of their live debut. I was greatly involved in writing the lyrics of two of these songs. I am proud to say that these lyrics are completely inappropriate, and may pre-maturely end any hopes I had of breaking into the world of children’s entertainment.*

* Breathe easy. I never held those hopes.

The Hammer Dance Contest

2009-01-20T22:04:00.002+08:00

You may not believe this.

So a while ago Craig and I made a music video set to U Can’t Touch This by MC Hammer and posted it on Youtube. It has received over 20,000 hits, which we were quite pleased about. Recently, I received a message from a lady claiming to work for the Hammer (I am not lying). She said his website, (dancejam.com) was having a contest entitled “Do Your Best Hammer Dance,” and that we should enter our video. On Sunday I entered it, and in 48 hours, it has already received over 4000 views. We are in 2nd place. If we win, we get a trip to San Fran and a free dance lesson from the Hammer himself. Obviously, if this happens, I can basically retire from life on top. Go to this site below. View it. Rate it. Share it with your friends.

http://dancejam.com/contests/hammerdance/entries/1054596319-hammertime-in-manila

Living the dream

Cool Indian Activity #3: Kite Flying

2009-01-11T18:23:00.002+08:00

Kite Fighting!: Currently in India it is kite flying season. And much like you may have read about in The Kite Runner, the kites do battle, with the winner cutting the other person's kite string. If you stand on the roof of any building at dusk, you can see about 100 kites in the air. It's unlike anything I've ever seen. The string has powdered glass glued to it so it will cut the string of your opponent. I was just learning how to fly when the kids on the next roof attacked my kite with theirs. Like a true pro, I immediately screamed like a little girl and dropped my spool. When I picked it back up and pulled like crazy, immediate jeers of laughter broke out from a third rooftop. I had somehow won! Had this been Japan, those poor kids would probably have to commit hari-kari from the shame of it all.

Cool Indian Activity #2: Pan Chewing

2009-01-11T18:18:00.007+08:00

Sorry for the extended delay between posting Cool Indian Activity #1 and #2. I'm sure the wait has been hardly bearable.

Pan Chewing: After yet another home-cooked-Indian-meal-that-was-better-than-any-Indian-restaurant-I've-ever-been-to, the lady of the house whips out a small metal box filled with about 20 jars of brightly colored powders and crumbs, as well as four fresh green leaves. It was time to chew Pan. Sort of the Indian equivalent to Red Man chewing tobacco. She made a drug cocktail on the leaf with about 8 ingredients and rolled it into a small cone. I was not wild about chewing it. Remembering back to the first time I tried chewing tobacco, I realized that if I put this into my mouth, there was about a 60 percent chance I would vomit. All over this nice family's living room. Fortunately, there was about 6 others standing over me saying I would be much cooler if I did it. As a graduate of the DARE program in my youth (Drug Abuse Resistance Education), I immediately gave in to peer pressure. As a reader, I know you will be disappointed to hear that I did not throw up. Sorry.

Cool Indian Activity #1: Street Shave

2008-12-28T14:42:00.001+08:00

After getting bored of days and days of seeing ancient wonders of the world, we decided to embark on “do cool Indian activities.” I performed three Indian activities of note. Here they are, in three different posts.

1. Street-side shave: Down just about any alley you can find a barber w/ a chair. He may not speak any English, but it’s pretty easy to point at one’s beard and convey that you’d like it to go away. Granted, I might actually be making the sign for, “See my head? I’d like you to cut it off.” Fortunately, my barber was friendly. Using a brand new blade (as he always does) he gave me and my friend Greg a close and comfortable shave for about 10 rupees (20 cents) each, not counting the tip we gave because he had to endure picture taking.

Christmas in India

2008-12-26T22:46:00.002+08:00

I have just experienced my first Indian Christmas, and it did not disappoint. Here’s how it went down.

Jen and I flew to the eastern side of India to the state of Orissa. Here we were picked up by PK and Tuni, who were Jen’s neighbors back in St. Louis. They grew up here in Orissa, and are back visiting. We are staying with their relatives in the city of Cuttack. They live in a giant house and happen to have a lot of family visiting as well. I would try and name everyone who is currently staying at the house, but my interpretation of the spelling of everyone’s names would only amplify my misunderstanding of the actual pronunciatation. Let me only mention that PK’s daughter Sonju, husband Greg, and two small kids are also visiting, and they are from the US. This is important, because it leads to xmas.

The next day we took a road trip. Unfortunately, we didn’t get very far because the horn on the car was broken. You may think, “A horn is not really essential to driving.” You are wrong. In India, driving without a horn is like going to work with no pants on. We drove from repair shop to repair shop until we found someone to fix it. Our driver was about 5 seconds away from purchasing an air horn and having me lean out the window to blow it constantly. Finally, we made the trip successfully, and loudly. We saw an ancient Hindu Sun Temple and the beach, where we rode a camel. The picture above is of Jen and I riding the camel. Too bad you can't see the camel.

On Xmas eve day, we were taken shopping by friends. Jen stimulated the ailing south Asian economy by increasing fabric sales by 30%. Meanwhile folks back at the house had fastened some tree branches together to make a xmas tree and the youngsters decorated it with anything and everything. American food was served (almost as delicious as Indian food), and about 10 more people arrived to add to the general confusion of names. The kids unwrapped presents whilst the adults drank scotch*. A merry xmas was had by all.

Our next plan was to try and see Bengal Tigers in West Bengal. That’s been totally scrapped. Now we are flying up to Darjeeling to accomplish three important things…..
• Lie on a bed of nails.
• See how Darjeeling Tea is made.
• See Mount Everest (only 1 centimeter away by my map)

* If this is not part of your traditional family xmas, it should be.

Ringo in Bollywood

2008-12-24T18:09:00.002+08:00

Thus far in our trip to India there has been a great deal of awesome, even though most of it has been partially eclipsed by the extreme awesomeness of seeing a Bollywood movie in the theatre here.

A list of highlights thus far……
• Seeing the Taj Mahal: Special props to our friends Simon and Kelly for setting this up. They accompanied us on everything below.
• Our rock star status (at the Taj): We’re at a wonder of the modern world, and people want to take pictures of us. In actuality, they want to take pictures of Jen, but since I’m there, I get in the photo also.
• Eating: Every meal. Every time. If India and Thailand fought in a culinary war, it would be a close battle.
• Ridiculous photos: Simon and I were allowed to dress up in traditional Maharaja garb and pose for photos which we purchased. If we offended the entire country of India, I apologize.
• Bollywood: We bought tickets for a Bollywood flick showing at the Raj Jantur* theatre in Jaipur. Watching movies anywhere else is now boring. Approximately 0.01 % was in English, but the plot was simple enough to understand. When the main actor / actress appear for the first time, people go nuts and start cheering. Then, in the middle of a dramatic scene, people break into song and dance (unfortunately, only the characters, not the people sitting next to me).

No we are flying out to Orissa on the east of India to see PK and Tuni, who are family friends of Jen. Hope to update again soon.

* I made that name up, because I can’t remember the theatre name. But it is famous. I swear.

Rockin' the Sitar

2008-12-18T11:44:00.003+08:00

We're off to India! Whoot whoot.

Here are my goals.......
1. Lay on a bed of Nails
2. Ride an Elephant
3. Take part in a Baliwood type scene, where everyone bursts into song and dance.
4. See a Tiger.
5. Not get eaten by Tiger.
6. Outsource some work.
7. Inquire about room rates and vacancy at the Taj Mahal. (i'm pretty sure i'm the first person to thnk about that.)
below is my indian treat for you. i apologize if this is old news.

Long, Strong, and Down to Get the Friction On*

2008-12-15T22:35:00.002+08:00

You’ll be pleased to know that I am not writing today about my band (despite our current off-the-chart levels of awesomeness). Instead I’d like to call attention to my hair, which is strong. I hope the picture above does it justice. My hair has never been so long. I can’t verify this, but I don’t think it has been cut since early in the summer. My current hair styling routine consists of waking up, showering, and then trying to make my hair as big as possible. Unfortunately, I am soon reaching a turning point when I need to actually have a plan for it. However, Jen and I are about to embark on our holiday break to India, where I can guarantee my hair at least 3 more weeks of unbridled rampaging.

* Is there really any other possible title for this post? No. There is not. If you have recently tossed away your mp3 of Sir Mixx A Lott (and left it), please do your self a favor and pull up quick and retrieve it.

First Ever Video Footage of the Sexpatrtiots

2008-12-01T20:36:00.002+08:00

Here is the song "Play That Funky Music." You may find it a bit long, but i recommend you check out the keyboard solo by James.

This is just a portion of the song, "Summer of 69."

The Sexpatriots Conquer Manila

2008-11-30T15:02:00.002+08:00

I am extremely excited to announce that the Sexpatriots will now be performing on a regular monthly basis at Murphy’s Bar!

As the announcement above implies, our first entirely public performance was a huge success. We played two sets, 15 songs in total. At no point were bottles thrown at the stage, nor were there cries for lower volume. I take that as a huge positive. On the other hand, no ladies were throwing their clothing on stage, nor were there cries for more volume. That’s too bad. We will discuss how to rectify that at our next rehearsal.

The manager of Murphy’s reported that she was well pleased with our performance and would now like us to play again in January, and then monthly after that. Obviously all of Manila loves us. Some would argue that since we bring a crowd of at least 30 wealthy expatriate friends with us to a performance, it doesn’t matter what we sound like. That may be true, and I have no problem with that.

If any of you overseas readers would like to hire The Sexpatriots for your private functions, see the associated costs below. The band fee can be slightly reduced in exchange for a raise in drink allowance.
Estimated International Airfare for 5 $10,000
Drink bill $200
Band Fee $85

Total $10,285

(I am currently working on getting a video clip on you tube.)

Unemployment Rocks Hard

2008-11-29T14:17:00.004+08:00

All five members of our band, The Sexpatriots, have now been officially fired from our school. This ensures that our sole means of income will be our gig tonight, and that we are professional musicians. Keep in mind that by “official,” I mean I had a conversation with Steve (the assistant superintendant and bass player) that went like this…

Me: “Hey Steve. You should fire us all now.”
Steve: “Ok. Done.”

I don’t know if that will stand up in a court of law. Let’s hope it doesn’t have to.

Some bands spend the time before big performances endlessly checking sound and stage logistics. This is wrong, as it takes away from your spontaneity and stage presence. Instead, I have been practicing autograph signing and tossing my sticks into the crowd without injuring people. Our guitarist, Pat, has been working on smashing a guitar, on the off chance that immediately after the show, someone will toss him a guitar and say, “Here is a cheap guitar that I bought specifically so you can smash it! Please do so!” Our keyboardist James is shopping on the internet for a “keytar*,” partially because it would be awesome, and partially because our financial future is looking better and better. Read on to discover why.

Keep an eye to the web so you don’t miss signing up for our internet based fan club. Actually, you won’t really need to, as just by reading this blog, you are automatically registered (as is your financial info). Hope you are looking forward to receiving those holiday coffee mugs emblazoned with “Sexpatriotism Is Not a Crime” and “Santa is a Sexpatriot.” Thanks for your donation. It is tax deductible. (As far as I know.)

* Yes, that is a keytar in the photo. No, that is not our keyboardist.

Sexpatriots Declare They Will Turn Pro

2008-11-24T22:27:00.002+08:00

The Sexpatriots have logged another successful performance. Bear in mind that I consider any performance where we no one’s ears to bleed to be a success. However, after performing at my school’s “Foam Party,” we consider the crowd reaction to be a positive. We only did a short set, but we were well pleased.

This weekend however, I will officially become a professional musician. The Oxford unabridged dictionary defines a professional musician as “one who earns a living predominantly through the means of musical performance.” As of Saturday, when The Sexpatriots perform at Murphy’s bar, we will fit this definition.

“How?” you may ask. Good question. My friend and bass player Steve is the Assistant Superintendant of ISM. I don’t really know what his defined duties at my school are, but I’m pretty sure he has the power to fire people.* Just before we perform this weekend, I’ll have Steve fire us all. Thus, we’ll have no income except for what’s coming from the gig. Viola. We’ll be pros. Assuming no major record contracts sign us after the performance, I’ll probably ask Steve to rehire us.

The Sexpatriots have recently made leaps and bounds into the world of quality recording. There is a 50% chance I’ll be able to get a quality video AND sound recording of a few select songs. In which case, there is a 100% chance you’ll see that short clip on you tube.

* I personally fire my colleagues all the time. However, this is not legally binding.

The Orangutan Video

2008-11-04T19:51:00.002+08:00

I was here. I filmed it. I don't think i will ever see anything like it again.

Orangutans and Speakers, Together at Last

2008-10-28T16:08:00.000+08:00

As you all know, i have dealt in the business of awesomeness for a long time now. And when i go on a hot streak, i tend to not play it up too much, because the laws of statistics tend to even things out. However, you can start calling me the Joe DiMagio of Awesomeness, because i am rolling! Let me explain.

Thursday: The Sexpatriots' new speakers and amplifier were delivered to my house. Manila is about to be hit hard with dual 500 W speakers and amp brought to us by Yamaha. This was acoustically awesome.

Friday: The last day of school of before break. That evening we boarded a plane and flew to Jakarta, Indonesia. A Canadian friend of ours (Eric), had his parents' driver pick us up from the airport and take us to their home. Bizarre, eh? This was internationally awesome.

Saturday: We flew from Jakarta to the large jungle island of Borneo. We were picked up from the airport, put on a boat, and sailed up the river into the jungle. We had only been on the boat for about 2 hours when we saw a giant orangutan hanging from a tree eating. Then we went to an orangutan sanctuary and saw about 5 more orangutans scarfing bananas! This was environmentally awesome.

Sunday: We woke up on the boat, and sailed into the famous Camp Leakey. Used for rehabbing orangutans. We then saw about 10 to 15 orangutans, the large male King Orangutan (Tom), and a gibbon. This was primately awesome.

Monday: Again we woke up on the boat and sailed back to camp Leakey. We saw even more orangutans. This time we saw the famous Princess. She actually knows sign language and figured out how to steal a canoe. We also saw the gibbon again. A gibbon may even be more awesome than an orangutan. It is like a miniature swinging orangutan on crack. This was swingingly awesome.

Tuesday: Today, we again woke on the boat and sailed back downstream to the nearby town. We then visited a center where orphaned orangutans (stolen from their mothers) are returned. They are then cared for until old enough to face the wild. Not only did we get to hold baby orangutans, but then we also got to play with the juviniles. The term "going apeshit" means nothing until you have one orangutan swinging from your arms while another one jumps onto your head. And yes, one ape did fling some poo. This day was the definition of awesome.

Stolen From My Head

2008-10-19T09:06:00.004+08:00

Guten tag!

It's not often that i completely steal from another person's blog, but this level of awesomeness cannot go unnoticed. The illustrious Mark Gants, on his blog Dabolikal Musings (which is excellent), has posted a German music video. I am in awe. I almost have trouble enjoying it, because i am so jealous that i neither made the video, nor got to play drums in it. If you watch the video, you'll see why. And if you ever had the good fortune to take part in (or even associate with) a marching drumline, you'll appreciate that the last part of the video does not even scratch the surface of what must have gone in to making this video.

Sexpatriotism Leads in the Polls!!

2008-10-11T19:41:00.001+08:00

I am just about to head to my second live performance with my band, The Sexpatriots. My friends Neil and Boston are hosting a party known as ROKtoberfest. It will be a combination of quality beer and quality rock. The attire is either “old-school German lederhosen” or “rock-star.” I have cleverly combined the two. That is me in the picture. Yes, the beard is real.

The Sexpatriots have expanded our repertoire to a possible 11 songs. And in all honesty, as people explore the quality beer aspect of the party more and more, we may do the first couple songs over again, and make it a baker’s dozen.

In other exciting news, next month we have been booked for our first completely public gig, at a local pub here in Manila. Not only do we get to play for strangers, but the bar is giving us free drinks. And just in case this post couldn’t get any more ridiculous, let me throw in the fact that bar will also pay us. In cash*.

Yes indeed. It is a strange and awesome world that we live in.

* I don’t want to imply that paying in cash is outside the norm here in Manila. It’s not like most bars pay their entertainment with livestock. I’m just implying it is rare for me personally to be paid in cash to play music.

Sabotage - The Music Video

2008-10-06T21:37:00.006+08:00

It is my great pleasure to present to you the 5th major music video production by myself and Craig. It is entitled Sabotage, and is set to the song of the same title by the classic hip hop artists, The Beastie Boys. I hope you enjoy.

And in case you're thinking, "the 5th music video??!! Holy crap! My life has been wasted up until now!" You are actually correct. What have you been doing with your life that you haven't seen the 4 previous vidoes? (presented below, in reverse chronological order, for your reverse pleasure)

You Spin Me Round 2008

U Can’t Touch This 2007

Bebot 2007

Thriller 2007

BTW: I have now officially broken up with Movie Maker and i-movie (this vid made on i-movie). Both are worthless programs.

Sexpatriots Mania Sweeps Manila!

2008-10-01T16:18:00.004+08:00

The Sexpatriots in Awesometown. From left to right are Patrick, Steve, Jen (special guest performer), myself, Mike, and James

It is safe to say that I will not be invited to dinner by any of my neighbors. While Jen and I received no formal complaints from them, the neighboring tenants of Crown Tower could not have been overly pleased to listen to the sounds of about 100 people and the booming sound of The Sexpatriots.

Our first performance was a huge success, and I have received nothing but rave reviews. However, as a rule of thumb, when you put on a party and supply all the drinks, and then ask people how much they like you, you should expect positive responses. But I’ll take compliments wherever I can find them. We played six songs, all covers, and I’m pretty sure people could even tell what songs they were supposed to be. As a bonus, Jen even sang as special guest in the song Business Time. She knew all the words, since she has had to listen to us rehearse all the time.

Our next performance will be in just over a week, at a friend’s birthday party. In fact, most of the people who saw us last night will be the same people who will be at the birthday party. This is slightly problematic because we don’t really know any more songs. No matter. We’ll adjust the lighting, play the songs in a different order, and wear sunglasses. It’ll be a whole new world.

The Sexpatriots' Debut

2008-09-29T23:19:00.001+08:00

Tomorrow night is the debut of my band The Sexpatriots*. The original idea was to have a small gathering of people at my place to hear the band, and have a few drinks. Fortunately though, Wednesday has been declared a national holiday here in the Philippines, and none of my friends and colleagues have to go to work that morning. Thus, the number of people showing up has escalated exponentially. I’m pretty sure half of Manila will be in attendance.

We’ve been practicing weekly at my condo, due to the wonderful world of technology. I play my sweet electronic Yamaha drum kit, while our keyboardist, singer, guitarist, and bass player all plug into my equally sweet Mackie Mixer. This cacophony of sound is then pumped into my not quite so sweet headphone amplifier, which we all plug into so as to hear ourselves, and at the same time, not annoy my neighbors. However, we can no longer keep this sound under the proverbial basket. Thus, we’ve borrowed some massive Bose speakers from our school, and are now ready to put out. We even had our first noise complaint from a neighbor at rehearsal last night, so I guess that means we are the real thing.

I’d like to dedicate this performance to my friend and financial advisory, Kevin Danz, pictured above. Without those three hours we spent playing old drum cadences and drinking high quality wine this summer, I would never have been convinced to invest so wisely in all my sweet new sound equipment. Student loans can wait. I suggest you all contact him about something you are thinking of buying, but can’t quite pull the trigger.

• There were several other name suggestions for the band, and The Sexpatriots was the most appropriate of them all.

PS: The latest music video is nearly complete. Stay tuned for YouTube action.

Backpacking Awards

2008-08-15T23:28:00.004+08:00

Too bad. Summer is over. But here are the top 5 photos from the best backpacking trip ever in the Rockies.

Team Ingrate Rocks Iowa Hard

2008-08-02T09:34:00.000+08:00

After a relatively short day on the RAGBRAI, we pulled into the town of Ames, Iowa, home of the Iowa State Cyclones, and by far the largest town we would see. We quickly showered up so we could sit around the Budweiser cooler and talk about how awesome we all were. As a special bonus, some of Andrew's friends and Iowa State Alumni came into town to add to the belligerence.

Our night started fantastically due to the fact that our new friend Rick-a-saurus had a rap album in his car by none other than the Macho Man Randy Savage. Even if you as a reader have only 2 days left to live, make sure you spend one of those days looking for the song “My Perfect Friend,” by the Macho Man*.

Team Ingrate (as the younger members of Team Harold are referred to) represented the team especially well in the bars of Ames. Our main activity was the distribution of Team Harold tattoos, which we excelled at. The conventional way to apply these is to wet the paper backing while pressing the tattoo to skin. However, word quickly spread that these tattoos could only be applied if they were licked on. Any newcomer to the bar would have thought they had walked in to a 1965 acid rave. Andrew and I then topped the evening off with a stunning rendition of Bon Jovi on the karaoke stage. RAGBRAI and Ames loved us.

Based on the previous evening’s activities, the following day’s ride was a struggle. Only about half of team ingrate managed to be involved in the ride, and I’m happy to say I made the entire route.

Only 3 more days left through the great sea of corn.

* For those of you who are unenlightened, this is about “Mr. Perfect” Curt Henning, who apparently, is no longer with us. 

Fueled by Porkchops and Beer

2008-07-24T05:50:00.004+08:00

Thus far, after completing 3 days of riding across the state of Iowa, I have come to the conclusion that people on the Tour de France are doing things completely wrong. Those clowns ride like crazy while drinking water and gatorade and munching on power bars and energy goo. I have also learned, to my horror, that once they start in the morning, Tour riders do not stop until the end of the day. That's dumb.

Here in Iowa, we start early. After about 5 miles, we then stop for coffee. After another 7 miles, you stop for a breakfast burrito and a banana. Then you high five some kids in a small town, before you go visit Mr. Porkchop. Mr. Porkchop is an old guy who serves porkchops and yells "AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!" at passing bikers. He serves no side dishes. Your meal consists of a giant porkchop. By about 2 or 3 pm, the budwesier beer tent usually comes into sight. Finally, i like to roll into town about 3 or 4 and then sit around and talk with my team about how awesome we are.

We recently have landed at Ames, Iowa, which is by far the biggest town we've seen so far. I imagine that, against all better judgement, we will go big tonight to mentally prepare ourselves for a repeat performance tomorrow.

RAGBRAI Preseason

2008-07-22T08:48:00.005+08:00

Wow wow wow. I am currently on a weeklong bike ride across the state of Iowa entitled the RAGBRAI, which has over 10,000 riders. Our team is known as Team Harold, and we have a bus. The bus ride from the Lou to Iowa was enough to warrant an entry in itself.

The first five minutes of the bus ride were quite dull, so it was suggested that we have a cold beverage. Fortunately, George , (my father-in-law andan Anheiser Busch employee), made sure there was a keg on the bus. As you would expect, most of us calmly sipped our drinks and discussed capital gains taxes and religion. One individual however, was not so calm. Let's call this individual "Joseph" to protect his identity. "Joseph" is 68 years old, a complete unknown to the team as of a week ago, and apparently completely crazy. All of us are highly seasoned in the ways of Budwesier consumption, however, Joseph was lapping everyone.

At this point, Joseph looked around and decided that he needed to armwrestle someone. He chose Brader. Brader was by far the biggest guy on the bus, half of Joseph's age, and looks like a pro wrestler. You may find this hard to believe, but Brader won. He also nearly ripped Joseph's arm off. fortunately Joseph never felt it, since he was speaking jibber-jabber and had to be restrained for the rest of the bus ride. He kept asking for revenge on the big guy and wanting to know where he was, even though he was two feet away.

Eventually, we arrived at Iowa and Joseph was had lost control of all emotions, including his bladder. Hardy, his sponser from Team Harold, then had to turn around and drive the guy all the way back to Missouri. Bizzarre.

Currently, I'm just hoping i don't do anything so horrible that i get voted off the island and sent back home.

The Upcoming Bike Trip

2008-07-18T13:18:00.003+08:00

Tomorrow we leave for Iowa. We will bike from the west side of the state to the east side of the state. Powers-that-be-willing, I will inform you all about it. Two adversaries are conspiring to keep this dream from becoming a reality.

One: my ass. Bike riding requires a lot of sitting on one’s ass. I have padded shorts, but I’m concerned.

Two: Best Buy. They are on a crusade to provide the worst customer service possible, and are currently performing unspeakable acts upon my laptop that I don’t even want to contemplate. I have currently had to endure pictures of Best Buy employees posing with my laptop in compromising positions. It is enough to turn the strongest of stomachs. Yesterday, I received in the mail a package containing a severed “backspace” key. I will not give in to such terrorism. I hope they will do the right thing, and that I will not have to give in to the demands of such tyrants.

Backpacking in CO

2008-07-18T13:12:00.001+08:00

After leaving Kentucky, the land of the horse, I traveled to Illinois and Missouri to see my mom and brother. Both trips were quite enjoyable. Unfortunately, all the wonders of those excursions are captured on my computer which is held by those no-talent-ass-clowns at Best Buy. We have a pretty good relationship.

The most awesome backpacking trip ever, of which you can currently see no photo documentation of (due to Best Buy), took place along the continental divide of Colorado amongst myself, Aaron Young (of KC fame), and Greg Hessee (of Denver notoriety), and also, Brew (Greg’s Dog). We persevered through rain, uphill climbs, beer depletion, and altitude sickness. I’d show you pictures if I currently had some. You’ll have to take my word on the awesomeness of it all. We climbed a 13,000 foot pass and then sledded down to the bottom of it. We ascended a 14.000 ft. mountain just to show that we could. We did. Send your fan mail here.

Look for pictures soon. If you want them sooner, email jackasses@bestbuy.com, and request that they give me my laptop back sooner, and that they find out why it won’t connect to my sweet new video camera, which will provide the world with infinite entertainment.

A Horse Ride in Kentucky

2008-07-18T12:56:00.001+08:00

Since space camp I have had my computer confiscated by those ass-heads at Best Buy. Don’t even get me started on those Nazis. Thus I have been extremely limited on my reporting for the good of mankind. To flash back to when I had computing power, I was in Lexington, Kentucky to see my brother and sister-in-law. Of equal importance, if not more, I saw for the first time my 10 month old nephew Fernando. His name is Fernando Dingrando because it rolls off the tongue nicely. Until those hardliners at Best Buy give me my computer back, this only contains of a picture of what my nephew, Fernando, sort of looks like in my imagination, not as my camera/computer actually documents. I apologize, but vent your rage at Best Buy.

I am an astronaut

2008-06-29T05:30:00.003+08:00

I have completed space camp at Kennedy Space Center. I am now a full fledged astronaut. Here’s how the rest of it went down.

Since Disney (my former employer*) had a ride entitled “NASA: Mission to Mars” we were given a free pass to see the ride and all the rest of Epcot center. Disney makes me a bit nauseous anyway, but if you combine that with a giant centrifuge ride, I was lucky to keep all my previously eaten food where it belonged. We survived this day by finding a sports bar where we could watch the European cup while drinking overpriced beers.

The next day we had “dinner with an Astronaut” with Jon McBride, a retired space shuttle pilot. I didn’t actually see him arrive, but I like to think he either landed a fighter jet in the parking lot or just parachuted in. He gave a presentation related to why he is awesome, after which, we were able to ask questions. I was able to ask several important questions such as, “How does your training before a mission prepare you for the extremely high levels of awesomeness that you are exposed to?” He could not answer fully since that was classified. I’m pretty sure that in Houston there is an “Awesome Simulator” that most of mankind is just not ready to deal with yet.

The next day we went kayaking and I saw a manatee (a sea cow). This had nothing to do with space. It did make me realize however, that on a Florida license plate you can have either a picture of a sea cow, the space shuttle, oranges, wading birds, sea turtles, dolphins, or Hulk Hogan. In fact, most Republicans in the state claim the main reason they need to keep prison levels at capacity is just to keep up with the license plate demand.

All in all it was a highly educational week. I just got to see the notorious drummer known as Kevin Danz (and Mizzou alumni). Now I’m off to Kentucky, the land of bourbon and horses. I will do my best not to combine the two.

* I am proud to say that I worked at the ride “It’s a Small World.” Obviously, I needed the experience to strengthen my resume.

The Space Race

2008-06-27T01:16:00.003+08:00

The Soviets are stepping up the amount of blogs they have available to the world. The Ringo Administration has responded by creating yet another blog entitled Ringo Physics. For the most part it will be a professional blog related to the teaching of physics. However, i recently posted about my time here at NASA in Cape Canaveral, Florida. Check it out. If you have any educational colleagues who might find it useful, pass it along.

Ringo in Paradise

2008-06-18T08:58:00.001+08:00

I have just completed a week of gluttony. As you can imagine, it was awesome.

Myself and Jen, along with our co-conspirators Fred and Sandy, were fleeing to a tropical island to escape the concrete jungles of Manila. However, flights to Awesome-Island are only offered 3 days a week. So we were forced to spend a night in Cebu. A friend of mine who grew up in Manila said that Cebu was, “Very trafficky.” This is sort of like Prince labeling a party as “too freaky.” Thus, I had low expectations. However, Fred’s liver has a strange property that it acts like a divining rod. It pulled us towards a German restaurant known as The Gustavian. It specialized in sausages and every European beer known to man. Over the past year, I had been drinking mainly San Miguel beer. It’s “the only beer for building true Filipino friendships.” Upon my first sip of Boddington’s Bitter Ale my neural pleasure center overloaded and I passed out. They let me finish the rest of my beer in the ambulance.

Eventually we left and made it to Camiguin Island in the southern Philippines. The airport was a single concrete building and received one flight every other day, so as not to overuse the awesomeness. The tiny volcanic island could be circumnavigated via road in about 2 hours. For comparison, Manila can be circumnavigated in about 2 weeks. Our first major activity was to immerse ourselves in every form of water on the island. We hired a driver to take us to the natural hot springs, cold springs, and bubbling springs around the island. Then we did some snorkeling on the “sunken cemetery” that slid into the ocean during the last eruption. This proved to be very disappointing, as we saw no ghosts, dead people, or even tombstones.

The next day we tempted fate by celebrating Jen’s 30th birthday on top of a volcano at sunset. Sandy had smuggled champagne onto the island by claiming it was “medicinal.” We poured a bit out to appease the volcano gods, so no eruption occurred. Unfortunately, the true eruption occurred the following day from Fred’s anus. Several aftershocks were also occurring, so Fred could not join the rest of us on the motorbike ride around the island. We discovered that amazingly, 60,000 people live on the island, and 45,000 of them are children. They speak English pretty well, but are extremely partial to the phrase, “Hello friend!” I have never waved to so many people since my Presidential candidacies in’96 and 2000.

And now I’m back in the US! Currently, I am all tanned and rested, and on my way to Space Camp at Kennedy Space Center. I’ll be sure to update you on this latest step for all of mankind.

The Award Tour (with Muhammad my Man?*)

2008-06-07T13:41:00.003+08:00

It’s time for you all to hate me. That’s right, you suckers in the business world: now is the time when I traipse across the globe on two months of paid vacation. School’s out for summer!!! Check out the award tour schedule to see if any stops are coming to a venue near you.

The Award Tour
• June 7: Manila Grad Ceremony
I receive my Master’s Degree from the State University of New York. You’ll notice my vocabulary has now become really really really really really big.

• June 8-14: Tropical Island Decompression
Jen and I and company will head to a tiny tropical island in the Philippines known as Camiguin to celebrate how awesome we are, and to celebrate the importation of single malt scotches.

• June 15: One in St. Louis.
This is much like “One Night in Bangkok,” as made famous by Murray Head.

• June 16-27: NASA Space Camp in Florida
I attend Kennedy Space Center with other science teachers to learn about outer space. My expectations are high. I’ll let you all know if I get to ride that kick-ass centrifuge ride. An unheard of Kevin Danz / Orlando sighting may occur.

• June 27 – July 2: Lexington, KY
I get to see my nephew Fernando Dingrando for this first time!! Obviously he will be the smartest and best looking zero-year-old on the planet. I’ll hang out with my brother and sister-in-law until they kick me out.

• July 3-4: Marion, IL
A Return to the homelands!

• July 5-9: TBA
Perhaps KC or Columbia, MO, or the Lou. Need to see some VIP’s in all these places.

• July 9 – 15: Rocky Mountains, CO
Mountains!!!!! My heart doctor, if I had one, recommends this. Also will rendezvous with Jen here. Then I will also do some kick-ass mountaineering. I am nearly as excited about this as I am about space camp and seeing Fernando.

• July 18-26
RAGBRAI bike ride across Iowa. This will kick ass. I’m told this is a guarantee. I don’t doubt it. 10,000 bikers can’t be wrong.

• July 29: Back home.

*Special thanks to A Tribe Called Quest for the title of this post

Manila Entertainment

2008-05-25T20:46:00.002+08:00

It just struck me that I’ve recently seen a lot of awesome / bizarre entertainment here in Manila, and you all need to know about it. I submit to a jury of my peers…….

Exhibit A: Michael Jackson:
I mistakenly heard on the radio that Michael Jackson was performing in Manila. This seemed crazy, but no crazier than the Colorado Rockies in the World Series, so I bought tickets for me and Jen. It was actually a well known Philipino singer, Luke Mujales, singing songs by the pop idol. However, he also had a sparkly glove, back-up dancers, and an afro wig for the earlier Jackson 5 era songs. He also showed Michael Jackson videos while performing. Obviously, all copyright laws were ignored.

Exhibit B: The PBA.
The Philippine Basketball Association. Jen and I caught the local commuter train out to Arraneta Coliseum (sight of the Thrilla in Manila! 1976) to watch the Magnolia Beverage Masters play the Pure Foods Tender Juicy Giants. We rolled up to the ticket window and paid the US equivalent of 6 dollars for box seats, which was good for two games. This was the cheapest professional sporting event I will ever attend.* There are 3 basketball seasons here. We are in the middle of “import season.” This is where each team is allowed one foreign import player over 6’10. I don’t know who won, but it was pretty awesome, especially when you picture Ali and Frazier in this place beating the shit out of each other 30 years ago with 7000 screaming Filipinos ringside.

Exhibit C: Prom
If you are the elite 1% of the country, and in high school, what do you do for prom? You hire lights, magicians, transvestites, and Elvis impersonators. That’s what. Jen and I chaperoned. Wow. The theme was “Las Vegas.” So as the kids walked in, there were ladies on pedestals with feathered headdresses and bikinis on. Also on pedestals were two magicians, two transvestites, and a Filipino Elvis impersonator. “Why transvestites?” you might ask. Good question.

* Let the jury be aware that we only paid this much because we are high rollers. Ticket prices went as low as about $0.25.

Dr. Teeth

2008-05-13T17:42:00.005+08:00

before
Now!

I have invested in tooth care.

Mountain Biking!

2008-05-10T13:22:00.003+08:00

Last weekend was awesome. Immediately after school on Friday, I rocked hard with my band (as yet nameless) and then met up with Jen and her fellow golfing* ladies for outrageously priced Guinness. I spent most of Saturday wondering who had kicked me in the head the previous evening.

On Sunday, I usually attempt to injure myself in a soccer game, but we had a weekend off. To increase my usage of health insurance, my friend Lee and I decided to go mountain biking. This involved us getting in a taxi at 6 am and driving for an hour out to a strip mall. There we rented bikes from a small bike shop and watched in awe as all the wealthy people of Manila who live in my neighborhood reappeared at this strip mall wearing tight shorts and helmets.

Two extremely nice guys took pity on Lee and I and invited us to ride with them. First we just biked through this neighborhood while I thought about how awesome I was. Next we started up this 80 degree hill for about 2 miles and I thought I was going to sweat so much my organs would come out my pores. I didn’t know bikes had gears that low. If my motorbike has gears one through four, on this mountain bike I was on gear negative twenty-two.

Once at altitude we biked on several nice trails that wound through little villages. Every kid we saw (and there were many) shouted good morning as we passed. We were of rock star status all day. We even biked up to a little village shop that served us fried tofu and Gatorade (not mixed together).

This weekend Jen is off at the beach paradise of Boracay with the ladies. I intend to busy myself with scotch, and then two more chances to injure myself with a game of Australian Rules football today, and soccer tomorrow. What could possibly go wrong?

* Jen will return to the US this summer as well. Probably on the WPGA tour.

How a Rock Star Lives

2008-05-03T17:43:00.003+08:00

*
Apologies for not posting in a while. I’ve been busy. How in the world do I spend my time these days? (Aside from the obvious obscene amount of hours spent at school) I’m glad you asked.

I’ve been playing a lot of soccer lately. Most of my friends call it football, which makes me feel very international. Our school has a team mainly made up of faculty and we play weekly in a league. Thus far we are undefeated. My job is to run up and down on the wing a lot and try not to do anything too stupid.

I’ve also been drumming. My self and 3 other teachers and a student have recently been getting together to play some cover songs. We’ve yet to do anything worthy of a music video, but give us some time.

I’ve also still been biking. Judging by the fact that I am alive to write this, you can assume I’ve been doing most of my biking indoors. However, early tomorrow morning I’m supposed to be getting a ride out of town to do some mountain biking. This should be extremely awesome.

Jen and I are still taking Tagalog lessons. My newest favorite phrase is, “Bababa ka ba? Hindi o oo?” This means, “Are you going downstairs? No or yes?” This is not a useful phrase, but it sounds extremely awesome since you get to repeat the same syllables multiple times.

I’ve also been planning the return tour to the US this summer. Hopefully that will be sorted next week and I can give you all dates and tour stops.

* Yes, this is an extremely awesome photo. Yes i took it myself.

I Like to Ride my Bicycle

2008-04-05T19:16:00.005+08:00

This was actually written back in March, but I’ve been delayed in posting it.
Now this is not as exciting as my newest music video, but it needs sharing nonetheless.

I’m coming to the US this summer. And during that time I will take part in the RAGBRAI with team Harold. This is a bike ride across the state of Iowa. Team Harold involves Jen’s dad George, a bus with a party deck on top, and much more than I have time to explain.

I have now been on my first two bike training rides. In Manila. The first ride was the most dangerous thing I have done since that invisible orangutan attacked me on the way down Mt. Cotopaxi in Ecuador a few years back*. There is a strict caste system for the roads here. SUV’s are on top. Cars are below, followed by motorbikes. Bicycles are well below that, only slightly above small animals crossing the road. I only traveled from the bike shop to my home, which was about a half mile. Unfortunately this was during rush hour on a weekday. Wow. Apparently I like to jump in the deep end.

The second ride was a better idea. I left at 7 am on Sunday morning, when traffic is at an all time low, and pollution is at only 450% what it is in LA. My biggest concern was this strange thing known as “foot clips.” For you ignorant non-bikers out there (obviously unlike myself), these connect your shoes to the pedals of the bike, thus maximizing your power and your potential for disaster. I made it out to the Mall of Asia with no problem. Here you can bike around a 3 km loop with about 300 other people until the temperature reaches that of magma.

On my way home I was quite proud of myself and was showing of to the people ahead of me in the jeepney (like a bus). Suddenly the jeepney stopped to let a passenger out. With my cat-like reflexes I stopped, only to realize I am still connected to a bicycle. Gravity did not stop, and I immediately fell into the guy who got off the jeepney. I’m sure his blog reads something like, “I was having a great day until this crazy-ass white guy on a bike fell into me.”

I then made sure I always at least had my right foot out of the clip, which did me absolutely no good when I toppled over to the left and saved myself only by grabbing onto the hood of a stopped jeepney. I used my extensive knowledge of Tagalog to ascertain that the driver said, “Hey you crack-smoking whitey! Get the hell off my jeepney!”

I’m still riding though. Granted much of it is indoor on the stationary bike. I’ll keep you all posted.

* I suffered from altitude sickness whilst climbing (successfully I guess) this 18,000 ft volcano in Ecuador in 2005, and am probably lucky to be alive. This happened before the existence of this blog. I have recently recovered my chronicles of the entire Ecuadorian adventure, and despite the sound advice of my publisher, am considering sharing those with the world.

You Spin Me Round (the video!)

2008-03-16T19:38:00.002+08:00

The anticipation is finally over. The fourth major video production is now ready for action! I present to you, “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)” by Dead or Alive. I hope you enjoy.

You might be thinking, “WTF? Fourth major production? What does Ringo consider a major production??” Fair enough. In general, my standards are low. Here are the previous three, in reverse chronological order.

U Can’t Touch This

Bebot

Thriller

Ringo's Beard Competition

2008-03-02T21:09:00.003+08:00

I am not the head of my department nor of any important professional committees. I have no desire or ambition towards an administrative position. However, it cannot be denied that my leadership abilities, when it comes to important things, are off the chart!

My most recent accomplishment in the world of education was to lead my colleagues in the first annual International School of Manila Beard Growing Competition. This was a three week event that coincided nicely with all our bosses being overseas recruiting new teachers (future beard growers). I am proud to say that we had 16 competitors this year!

After the deadline for unrestricted growth, we took pictures and posted them online. All faculty, staff, and students at ISM are currently voting on line, so I can’t claim victory for myself. However, I’m confident I’ll make top 3.

What purpose did this serve, you may ask? Absolutely none! There were no funds raised, and it benefited society in no way. Awesome eh? And to add to the awesomeness, we’ve begun a week of creative styling. As you can see from the picture above, I’m doing quite well. I’ve made my students refer to me as Mr. Wolverine.*

When I say “we” have engaged in a week of creative styling, I actually mean about 3 of us. All administrators have returned to Manila now, and not all my colleagues share my dedication to the arts, nor the job security of teaching a subject no one else wants to teach.

* The picture above is of “Pinoy Wolverine” or “Philippine Wolverine” as knives are rarely available for Philippine dinners.

Brushing and Shaving

2008-02-17T11:53:00.001+08:00

People ask me all the time, “Ringo, what is it like inside your head?”*

In response, I have made this short film. It is an example of what it’s like in my head while shaving and brushing before work.

* In reality, no one has ever asked me that. But if they ever do, I will show them this short film.

(Oh yes. I now have my driver’s license back. I paid our school’s security chief, he paid his driver, and his driver bribed Manila City Hall. Indeed, you cannot fight city hall.)

Ringo Loves/Hates Manila

2008-02-10T20:55:00.000+08:00

One of my New Year’s resolutions was to try to like Manila more. The past week I was doing well. Jen and I took up Tagalog lessons again. (That’s the language of the Philippines). I even created a new phrase that is sweeping Manila. “Mataas na lima!” That means literally, “A tall-looking number five.” Say this to any Philipino you know, and hold your hand up to receive a hi-5. If they don’t have any idea what you are talking about, inform them that they are not cool. I made my students memorize it, and their homework this weekend was to spread that across the city.

Our friends Tim and Lisa came to visit us from China for the weekend. We took them on an awesome walking tour of Manila by Carlos Cedran. I learned lots about my new home city. For example, many of the socially elite families in the Philippines are partially descended from wealthy Chinese who arrived in the 1800’s. The last names were just changed to sound more Spanish. The tour guide rattled off about 50 famous families. I think I teach all of them at my school.

But then I come to hate Manila as well. Here’s the conversation that led to my driver’s license being confiscated:

Policeman: “Sir. You were going the wrong way on a one-way street.”
Ringo: “What? Was there a sign?”
Policeman: “Yes sir. Come. I’ll show it to you.”
Ringo: “Wow. I missed it. That’s the size of a postage stamp though. Maybe the 5 of you policeman would be better for safety if you put up a bigger sign instead of just waiting for someone to go the wrong way.”
Policeman: “Sir, I have to confiscate your license. And you have to go to traffic school.”
Ringo: “Wow. That sucks. How about I pay you a bribe?”
Policeman: “Good idea sir. Let’s drive into a dark alley.”

We drive into a dark alley.

Policeman: “Sir. I will do you a favor. I will give you your license back and go to traffic school for you.”
Ringo: “Awesome! Mataas na lima!”
Policeman: “Yes sir. You just need to pay me 1 bizillion pesos.”
Ringo: “You’re crazy.
Policeman: “But sir, regulation #4359 states clearly that the amount for bribery tonight is 1 bizillion.”
Ringo: “Talaga? (really?) Why don’t you just keep my license? Store it safely in your anal cavity till I finish traffic school.”

Things deteriorated from here. So I am now the only expat I know who has refused to pay the bribe. Tomorrow I have to go City Hall to bribe the guy there. I’ll keep you all posted.

A One Minute Tour of Awesometown

2008-01-20T16:31:00.000+08:00

I’m a high roller. So is Jen. Here in Manila, we live on the east side in a deluxe apartment in the sky. I wanted to make a video so you all could see the splendor that is Awesometown. However, I realize the average internet user has the attention span of a 5-year-old, so I limited the video length to one minute. Our place is so huge though, that this required me to sprint through the house. I added the energetic music just because it makes me smile. Enjoy.

The One Minute House Tour

Posted 55 Minutes Ago

Here is where Jen and I live in Manila. In high speed action mode.

Ringo's Cinematographic Drawing Board

2008-01-06T20:36:00.000+08:00

As I was flying back from Japan last night, I was thinking what would happen if you combined a record player, a tripod, a toy car, a video camera, and a dash of scotch. (These are the things I think about on a regular basis). Today I tried it. Check out the short pilot episode below.

I’m considering employing this type of camera work in my next music video, so let me know what you think of it. Hold on though. I can’t have all 10,000 of you loyal readers posting individually and overloading the server like that incident in 2002. Instead, maybe you can attend a caucus to coordinate your opinions and then choose a leader to voice your ward’s opinion. Isn’t that how things work in Iowa for the primary election? Elections confuse me.

Even Ninjas Have Families

2008-01-03T08:24:00.000+08:00

Jen and I are still in Japan, and until quite recently, so was the rest of the Swinehart family. Fortunately the addition 3 more people made travel easier, since they all brought with them some made skills. Such as......

George Swinehart (Jen's dad): Fluent speaker of Japanese and many other languages.
Marilyn Swinehart (Jen's mom): Master of chopsticks
Andrew Swinehart (Jen's brother): Renonwned scholar / importer of Japanese comics

We all travelled around Japan for over a week. We went to Hiroshima to see the atomic bomb site. it was very impressive. Then to Kyoto, the cultural center of japan. We saw lots of temples and even a castle. We climbed to the top of the castle, but guess what? That's right. The princess was in another castle. So then we went on to level 8, which was back in tokyo. All in all an awesome family visit.

Bad news America. Japan is kicking our ass in several areas. Here are a few.
1. Public transport. Most awesome in the world.
2. Food on conveyor belts. We ate sushi from a conveyor belt and then had beer delivered by a minuature bullet train.
3. Robots. I saw a competition on TV between japanese robots. It made the US Battle-Bots look like it was done by 3rd graders.
4. Vending Machines: There is one vending machine for every two people in Japan. For some reason Tommy Lee Jones is on half of them. And they distribute beer.

Konichiwa　Monkeytown

2007-12-21T18:22:00.000+08:00

Jen and I are in Japan. It is extremely awesome, or `Shirabashi!` as i have been told to say.

Today i went to the Mt. Takasaki Nature reserve. this place is known because 1 bizillion monkeys show up there all the time. Its not a zoo with monkeys behind cages, theyre walking right past you, between familiies, etc. its impressive yet alarming. i dont know if they are just unaweare that they outnumber the humans in the park by 100 to 1, or if they just like the good feedings. but they could do some serious damage if they liked.

all signs and announcements were in Japanese. so when all the monkeys started jumping over my head, running through my legs, and coming out of hte woodwork, i had no idea what was going on. i thought the monkey messiah was about to descencd from above. instead, some poor guy with a huge cart of apples went sprinting through the monkey park as about 1000 monkeys sprinted towards him with great passion. i have never seen anything quite so awesome yet scary. the stronger monkeys jumped onto the moving cart, while the rest caught the spilling apples. how that poor guy did not get ripped limb from limb ill never know. i thought i was sabout to watch monkeys go carniverous. im pretty sure that guy was doing this as community service.

Mr. T Gives a Shout-out to Moms

2007-12-03T21:47:00.000+08:00

I pity the fool who don’t treat his mother right. There are few words needed to introduce this classic video that was somehow left off the “Greatest Videos of All Time List.” Without further ado, I present to you, “Treat Your Mother Right,” by Mr. T.

Coup d'etat!!

2007-11-30T14:55:00.000+08:00

Yesterday there was a coup attempt against the president here in my neighborhood! Here’s how it went down.*

A few generals and senators were on trial for corruption and starting a coup against president Arroyo a while back. The trial was getting boring, so the generals and senator stood up and said, “This party’s dead anyway. Peace out.”

They then marched across the street (with a few dozen minions) to the 5-star Peninsula Hotel for cocktails. They were surrounded by police who didn’t try to stop them because they knew staging a coup would make the Philippines more exciting for everyone. The security guards of the hotel had guns, but they realized these generals coming at them enjoyed using guns. So they wisely got the hell out of there.

The coup leaders then kicked all the guests out, popped open the Crystal, and began texting hos to come kick it with them. Their initial statement to the press was, “When President Arroyo sees how many shorties we got behind us, she will step down immediately, or at least come join our posse.”

Unfortunately for the coup leaders, it was raining yesterday. So the thousands of supporters never quite made it. To make things worse, thousands of Marines decided they liked President Arroyo, and that she paid the bills. It also seemed pretty novel to throw tear gas into a 5-star hotel, so they did that. They also drove a tank through the doors, and fired their guns into the air like Yosemite Sam.

The coup leaders then issued another statement saying, “We give up. Thanks for nothing to all of our so-called-friends who didn’t join our coup.”

GMA (the president) then said “Everyone is very tired from a busy day and needs their sleep. The whole country must be in bed by midnight, or you will go to jail, just like all the journalists that were arrested today.”

* I am not a journalist, and thus, I make no claims that what I present is true. In fact, I make a lot of stuff up.

Marathon = Cancelled

2007-11-26T22:51:00.000+08:00

Meet my new physical therapist. His name is Johnny. He’s only 12 years old, but he’s been around the block a time or two.

Today I cancelled our flight to Singapore for the marathon. There’s no way I would have finished it. Since a twenty mile run last month, my knee has been messed up. Rest and physical therapy kept me in denial about the injury, but I barely made it 6 miles tonight in my run.

The Greatest Day Ever

2007-11-25T21:52:00.000+08:00

Good news everyone. Monday, Nov. 26 is a holiday. Don't go to work. Or to school. It is international "Stay at Home and Revel in Missouri's Victory Over Kansas Day." Whatis the point of going in? How much can you really accomplish when there are hundreds of articles to be read that give every detail of Mizzou's victory over Kansas? All you will do is keep asking if the rankings have come out yet. And when the rankings do come out, all you will do is try to pick the best frame to hold the color print-out that says, "Missouri Tigers, #1 in the Nation." Unbelievable.

It's OK to Hate

2007-11-18T21:22:00.000+08:00

This week will be a celebration of hate. Usually this is not OK. People automatically tend to think of terrible things like “hate crimes,” which are obviously bad. However, to hate an establishment such as the University of Kansas is 100% OK. It’s better than OK, because it’s fun.

It really can’t get any more fun than 10-1 Mizzou playing undefeated Kansas at Arrowhead Stadium next Saturday. I’m sweating just thinking about it. Cheering on one’s favorite team in an apocalyptic game is a great feeling. For example, every second of the Cardinals vs. Tigers World Series was the embodiment of awesome. However, the upcoming border war could be even bigger for one important reason. I don’t hate the Detroit Tigers, but I very much hate the Kansas Jayhawks. Mathematically, it works like this:

Love of one team + hatred of opposing team = 2 x Awesome.

If you’re reading this, do yourself a favor. When you Hi-5 a fellow Tiger fan, don’t just say, “How about them Tigers?” Quickly follow that statement with a “How about those pig-****-ing Jayhawks?” Next to your giant black and gold MU flag, tie a noose around a blue and red bird. If you donate to Mizzou scholarship fund, see what you can do to embezzle funds from the state of Kansas.

7 days and counting. M-I-Z Beat-K-U

Still on the Horse, But I See Mongo Coming

2007-11-14T22:16:00.000+08:00

My knee has been put in a state of rest. The doctor can’t find anything wrong with it, so the diagnosis is overtraining. The cure is rest. The question is if I have enough time to rest it before the Singapore Marathon on Dec. 2. That’s in 2.5 weeks. In the meantime I can ride a stationary bike. I can also stretch. I can also see a physical therapist. I can also stock up on beer, whiskey, cigarettes, chewing tobacco, heroin, and other vices that I plan on taking up if my knee forces me to miss my second marathon in a year. If you fall off the horse once, get back on. If you fall off twice, then you punch the horse in the face like that guy Mongo from blazing saddles.

My Physical and Mental Instability

2007-11-08T22:08:00.000+08:00

I’m on the edge. After over two months of training for a marathon in the smog capital of the world, my knee decides to start acting up. This is not something I’m not mentally able to deal with. Here’s why….
1. After over two months of training of last year in Manila, I broke my foot.
2. I’ve been severely limiting my intake of caffeine.
3. I’ve been severely limiting my intake of alcohol.

Those 3 things: caffeine, alcohol, and not being broken, are all 3 of my favorite things. If my knee doesn’t get better, I may have to eat a can of instant coffee, wash it down with rubbing alcohol, and start chucking things out my 13th floor window until I break someone else.

Actually my knee is not that bad. I can still run, but it starts to hurt every time after about 30 minutes. That’s bad enough for me to be concerned. I’m resting it, and it should end up ok. But I’ve got some Nescafe and Isopropyl in my desk drawer just in case.

Dingoes and Whores

2007-11-02T17:07:00.000+08:00

This past week has been a great one. My younger brother, aka The Dingo, is currently out to visit. Hence the Dingo part of this entry’s title. Myself, the Dingo, Jen, and Craig have all just returned from the Philippine island of Siquijor (pronounced Sig-ee-whore). Hence the whore part of the title. We chose this island solely based on the name.

After catching a taxi, to an airplane, to van, to a ferry, to a jeepney, we finally arrived at our island resort. It was awesome. Palm trees, huts, hammocks, geckos, etc. They also had awesome food.*

The island was about 10 miles in diameter, and the best way to see a lot of it is by motorbike. We rented these and spread terror into the hearts of all by the intimidating picture we made rolling into the barangays (neighborhoods). We were actually pretty popular wherever we went, but Jen could have run for mayor in every place. Blond white women on motorbikes don’t roll through town every day apparently. Go figure.

I’m still in training for the Singapore marathon, so I had to put in a lot of miles as well. I wasn’t as popular as Jen, but I was no less a spectacle when running. Besides the normal “Hey Joe!” several people chose to shout “Manny Pacquiao!” He is a famous Philipino boxer. It’s not that I look like Pacquiao; it’s just that he and I are apparently the only people stupid enough to run for the sake of exercise in the Philippines. Whilst dodging caribou and goats on an 20 mile run, i managed to suck down 2 packets of energy goo. That suuff is awesometown. I now spread it on toast.

We have since returned to Manila where we recently went out to the Malate area in costume for Halloween. Funny enough, we were just about the only people in costume. Bizarre.

Today, I took Greg on every tourist’s favorite part of SE Asia: bootleg DVD shopping! However, karma intervened as we were pulled over on the motorbike on the way home and I had to bribe the policeman out of taking my license. The best part was that when I handed him my license, he said I should not have clipped money to it. “This makes me think you are trying to bribe me sir.” He then asked for more money. I love the philippines.

* Craig made a vow to eat bacon with every meal during our trip. He succeeded, and is currently still on the streak. I try to spend a lot of time with Craig, since his cardiologist suggests he will not live past 35 at this rate.

U Can't Touch This

2007-10-17T22:58:00.000+08:00

Here's our latest video, I hope you all enjoy.

if this doesn't work, try
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fk31DTtP4_4

Back on a Horse named Marathon

2007-09-13T22:33:00.000+08:00

It’s like the old saying goes, “If at first you try to run, but then break your foot whilst photographing a gecko; try, try again.”

So I’m going to attempt, once again, to run a marathon. This one happens in Singapore on Dec. 2,(see The Singapore Marathon) and should be a sizable affair. I expect there will be over 30,000 people there. Yes, surprisingly enough, there are that many people who think running that far along the equator in 100% humidity is a good idea.

Training has begun already. I’ve been running with the high school cross country team a good bit and keeping up pretty well. My formerly broken foot seems to be pretty close to normal. I’ve also been staying away from geckos.

Fortunately, Jen will venture to Singapore with me for the Marathon. She will cheer me on and look into ordering Singapore Slings immediately after the race. I don’t know what that drink is, but odds are I’ll have one. A few other colleagues from my school will also be competing in the race.

A little known fact about Manila: Of the 12,345 major-world-metropolises, Manila is currently ranked 12,343rd* as best place to train for a marathon, based on its available open spaces, traffic, pedestrian paths, and air quality.

* 12,344th is Baghdad; 12,345th is the Lost City of Atlantis

My Nephew Fernando

2007-09-03T22:28:00.001+08:00

I am an uncle! I would like to thank my Brother Jeff and Sister-in-law Kelly for bestowing this title upon me. Aunt Jen says the same.

I hope you're able to see the picture above of Jeff, Kelly, and Fernando. I wish I knew who took that shot.

Just a couple of days ago, on Sept. 1, little Fernando Dingrando was born at somewhere between 5 and 10 pounds. His true name has not yet been divulged, so he will be known as Fernando until I hear otherwise. Actually, probably longer. One of my students actually suggested Alexandro Dingrando as a more exotic possibility. I almost like that better, but I didn’t think of it, so it gets 2nd place.

Jen and I are immediately diverting our attentions to buying ridiculous shit for the little tyke. Mainly Halloween costumes. It is our goal to supply him with enough costumes in enough sizes to last him until he’s 16. I’m currently having a pink bunny suit* tailor made for a zero-year-old. It will say on it, “My Uncle went to Manila and all I got was this ridiculous pink bunny suit.”

Hong Kong Fooey

2007-08-24T22:57:00.000+08:00

I have seen the future, and it is Hong Kong.

Jen and I made use of our long weekend (Happy Nino Aquino day everyone!) by traveling to Hong Kong. It is an ass-kicking city. Here’s why.

• Trains! First go underground about 15 stories and hope the sea doesn’t come in. Then buy a magical pass (called an Octopus card) that you keep in your wallet. Third, just wave your wallet at the turnstile as you go through.* Then you get on the train and go to a new magical place. You can even use your card to buy things at 7-11.
• Big Buddha! Take the train out to beautiful countryside and see a huge metal Buddha the size of Optimus Prime. You can also burn incense the size of a baseball bat.
• Giant Escalator! I dig moving walkways of all sorts. When I learned that it is a means of commuting to work in Hong Kong, I nearly applied for a working visa. It’s got to be almost a mile long. It flows down from the hills in the morning, and then reverses in the pm to get drunken businessmen home.
• Halloween Street: We found a street full of wigs, costume jewelry, and disco balls. All with negotiable prices. Jen and I would have cleared all the shelves if we weren’t trying to pay off our honeymoon. Good thing I swapped my watch for a giant disco ball.
• Conveyer Belt Sushi: This isn’t unique to Hong Kong, but you can’t help but love it when food comes to you on a conveyor belt. Special music from an old cartoon plays in my head whenever I see this.

Now I have another long weekend to celebrate my friend’s 40th birthday. Whoot whoot! Ask me about the Fredstock 2007 Toga Celebration in case I forget to tell you. It’ll be big.

* Given another day, I was considering an experiment where I would swallow my octopus card and then hump the turnstile for entrance. Despite the comedic value of this, time did not allow.

Thriller Mania in Cebu

2007-07-29T20:11:00.000+08:00

Thanks to the MANY who have brought this Philippine awesomeness to my attention. Check out the dancing inmates of Cebu city (south of Manila).

if this doesn't work, paste this into browswer....
http://youtube.com/watch?v=hMnk7lh9M3o

Apparently, the warden had the idea to introduce the dancing. Here’s a news story that covers it (poor sound).

http://youtube.com/watch?v=UWf3y6r0kmA

wow wow wow. The internet has done so much for this world.

A Mosquito Gang Bang

2007-07-15T06:15:00.000+08:00

Wow. How 'bout that for a title?

So far me and Jen's honeymoon in the Canadian Rockies has met expectations of awesomeness.

Most recently we witnessed the Calgary Stampede, which is like moving Texas up north and removing the drawl. Why have i never been to a rodeo till now? My life was previously empty. Strapping crazy people to large angry animals is probably the closest thing we'll ever to see to Roman Colosseum type activities.* I also bought an Elvis Belt buckle which i will wear every day to school until they make me stop.

Before that I took Jen on her first backpacking trip in Banff national Park. And as the title of this post says, it was indeed a Mosquito gang bang. Few people now the life cycle of a mosquito. Here it is.
1. During end of summer, mosquito's lay eggs in water.
2. Water freezes on top. Eggs hatch below.
3. While water is frozen, mosquitoes get dirty, and create baby mosquitoes.
4. Baby mosquitoes repeat step 3, until water thaws next summer. This is a long time in Canada.

By the time Jen and I hiked into Banff, these 3-bizillion inbred blood starved mosquitoes were ready to violate us in ways i can't even talk about. Other than that, Banff is an awesome park. we saw really cool stuff.

Global warming is a real issue my friends. I think a couple of dinosaur-age-mosquitoes laid eggs underneath Antarctica. And thus those mosquitoes have been humping and starving for about 1 million years. When they thaw out, lord help the kiwis, Australians, and Chileans. They'll be like the people eaten by waves of jungle ants in that awesome episode of Macgyver. Nothing but bones. (more like a deflated, bloodless sack in this case)

However, Jen still really enjoyed the backpacking trip, and still likes me. This is a sign of her awesomeness.

* Ringo does not endorse the feeding of Christians (or any religions) to wild animals.

Like MacArthur, I'm coming back

2007-06-14T00:08:00.000+08:00

Back to the US tomorrow! Woooooooooooooo!

I will………
• Eat McDonald’s breakfast sandwiches
• Drink American beer
• Breathe clean air
• Go to a baseball game, and listen to games on the radio
• Run on streets without fearing for my life
• See friends and family.
and most of all, get married.

not necessarily in that order.

Bebot - The Video

2007-05-27T22:21:00.000+08:00

You've all been waiting. The long awaited third video by Ringo and Craig. To the music of the Blackeyed Peas, I present, Bebot

if this doesn't work, paste this into your browser.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4g3r0xRjQjs

Podcasting Like a Flock of Whales

2007-05-06T14:07:00.000+08:00

Unlike my younger brother*, I have a face for radio. Thus I’m taking a break from all of my calendar shoots and music video making to enter the world of podcasting. Since the telephone is not my favorite medium, and I haven’t been calling any of you much, you probably miss the sound of my voice. In fact, there’s no probably about it, I’m sure you miss my voice. Good news my sad friends. I’m on the web. Check it out.

The Prophet Ringo speaks!!!

If this is successful, I’m told I can set it up so that your ipod automatically downloads my newest podcast. This way, you can listen to me during your morning commute so as not to miss any important Ringo announcements.

* He claims he can be seen on Channel 7, “The Spirit of Missouri.”

Hammertime at Scubataha

2007-04-08T19:52:00.000+08:00

Ahoy me hearties! I can speak like this because I’ve been at sea. I certainly haven’t been at sea this whole time (since my last blog entry), but I was winded since making that Thriller Video.

Why have I been at sea? Glad you asked. Jen and I (and 18 other teacher friends) were on the scuba expedition of a lifetime. You know it was life changing, because my friend Fred and I made t-shirts to commemorate the event. And we got tattoos that match the t-shirts.

We flew to the island of Palawan (known for monkeys that do naughty things in public) and then boarded the Stella Maris, which is much like a Carnival cruise ship in quality, but nothing like that in any other way. The Stella Maris then set sail for some crazy atoll, Tubbataha, in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. An atoll is an island that started to grow up from the ocean, but then gave up about one foot short of breaking the surface. Then, in tropical places, coral goes apeshit on the atoll and grows everywhere. Fish like coral and warm places, so they go to atolls for spring break, much like people.

Our dive master’s name was Ivan Drago. He was actually German, but he was muscular, blonde, and if he ever said, “I must break you,” at any point in his life, it was probably during the filming of Rocky IV.

Our ship then parked near the atoll and we scuba dove three to five times every day. Even at night. It was crazy-go-nuts. We saw sharks, sea turtles, octopi, iridescent jellyfish, and more. There were two highlights. One was a hammerhead shark that was nearly as awesome as MC hammer. The second was a giant manta ray. Manta rays and hammerhead sharks are famous for disproving the theory of Intelligent Design because there is absolutely nothing intelligent about their design.

Then we sailed back home. This consisted of 12 hours of rocking back and forth so intensely that I went into the fetal position and promised myself I’d never go on a boat again.*

All in all, awesome trip! Definitely doing it again next spring break!

* Did you ever see that Bugs Bunny episode? The one where the ship rocked one way, and the soup slid towards Bugs, and he took three quick bites. Then the ship rocked the other way, and the bowl slid towards Yosemite Sam, and he took three quick bites. It was exactly like that. I live in a cartoon.

The Thriller Music Video

2007-03-07T20:36:00.000+08:00

It's complete. Make sure you watch this so you know the moves for the wedding.

The Time Has Come the Walrus said,

2007-02-06T21:33:00.000+08:00

To talk of many things.

Last week we had no classes in the high school. Instead all the kids and teachers were out in the provinces on service trips. Myself and the some students stayed in the village of Tugdaan at a school for indigenous kids. It was really boss, and I should say a lot of inspiring things about how moving it was. Those things would all be true, but I’ll let the pictures speak to that when I get them online. Instead let me comment on how 21 rich city slickers watched how pork goes from being alive to becoming pork chops. I’m pretty sure half the kids became vegetarians. (No worries Gants, not me!)

Upon returning to the city, I ran my longest pre-marathon training run at about 19 miles. It was not very fun. However, you should all be aware that if you are white and running in the Philippines and someone shouts “Hey Joe!” They are speaking to you, because you are representing GI Joe. But, if you actually stop to recite a moral lesson about not hiding in a refrigerator while playing with your friends, and then finish the lesson by saying, “Knowing’s half the battle. Go Joe!” They will stare at you blankly.*

My friend Elaina and I choreographed the thriller dance for the wedding. This consisted mainly of us watching the video, and then telling ourselves how awesome we were. Would a How-To video be useful for you all to practice before the wedding? Don’t say I won’t do it.

* Does anyone know what the hell I’m talking about?

The Manila Marathon - Prelims

2007-01-28T21:01:00.000+08:00

I’ve decided I’m going to run a marathon. There’s no backing out now, as I ran 16 miles yesterday. What better place to run your first marathon than Manila? It’s the most humid place on earth and the particular marathon hosted here is technically uphill. (It starts on the bay and follows the river inland). It also starts at 4:30 in the morning. You’d be crazy to not take part in such an enjoyable experience.

The Philippine Marathon

That aside, I’m all in. I’ve been training since about Christmas-time. I won’t bore you with the training schedule, but don’t think for a minute it doesn’t still involve my good friend San Miguel. In my training, I’ve learned a lot about the Philippines. For example, it is illegal to run with your shirt off. When the sun is out here, it gets hot, so I figured I’d just take my shirt off while running through one of the local neighborhoods. I was quickly stopped by an official looking man with a gun.

Guy with Gun: Sir. What are you doing?
Sweaty Ringo: (pause to acknowledge the obvious) Running.
Guy with Gun: You cannot run with no clothes on.
Sweaty Ringo: I have no clothes on?
Guy with Gun: Sir, we have gotten complaints.
Sweaty Ringo: Complaints?
Guy with Gun: You pay a fine sir.
Ringo: (pause, silence)

Here we came to a draw. I had to run with a shirt on because he had a gun. But, he could not extract a bribe, since I obviously had no cash, nor even an identification to confiscate.* So I ran off.

The race is less than a month away, on Feb. 24, so look for race results on the blog sometime then. Until that time, I’ll be running a lot. With clothes on.

* I was not so lucky when pulled over on my motor bike. On that occasion, the policeman rode with me on the back of my motorbike around the corner, where he extracted an exorbitant bribe from me in order to return my driver license.

The Monster Dance

2007-01-21T22:38:00.000+08:00

Good news my friends. The wedding of myself and Jen will be really awesome. Here’s why.

We decided that it is not entertaining for the first dance of our wedding reception to be only for the bride and groom to slow dance to whilst Bryan Adams sings “Everything I Do (I Do It for You),” from the hit movie, Robin Hood. We talked to several reputable sources (ourselves) for suggestions, and have concluded there is only one option.

Choreographed Thriller Dance!!!! Woooooooooooooooo! This will be our first dance. It will be involve multiple people.

You love the monster dance? I know you do. And how about that zombie shoulder shrug? It’s in. You want to see bridesmaids and groomsmen in full-on wedding regalia reenacting the greatest video ever? Me too. Done.

Of course this means the rehearsal dinner is now a real rehearsal. Make sure you are stretched out.

Oh yes. June 30th is looking very probably like the day. Please clear your calendars and try to forget that I may have….
A. Missed your wedding.
B. Attended your wedding, and horribly embarrassed you and your parents.
C. Caused several of your past relationships to fail, due to our super-hard-core lifestyle exhibited in Columbia, Kansas City, Denver, St. Louis, Australia etc.

In A Box - Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake Digital Short

2006-12-22T11:32:00.001+08:00


If you enjoyed the Chronic of Narnia 1/10th as much as i did (or 1/1000th as much as Dara), you will like this. Let me know if the link stops working.

Good Night Bangkok

2006-12-21T21:20:00.000+08:00

Jen and I are leaving Bangkok tomorrow. I fear that the rest of the world will seem predictable and mundane. This is because i have now seen it all. I realize that you readers would like me to describe the wonders and horrors that I saw. I'm not ready for that. I will need a good deal of time and an equal amount of therapy before i can fully release my mind from the fetal position it is in.

All in all, Bangkok has been fantastic. Jen and I loved it. Recommended for all. Except children. and conservatives. and those with morals.

Now we're back to the the Philippines for a tropical Xmas!

wooooooooooooo.

One Night In Bangkok

2006-12-19T20:21:00.000+08:00

Bangkok, Oriental setting
And the city don't know that the city is getting
The creme de la creme of the chess world in a
Show with everything but Yul Brynner

As I'm sure you all know, one night in Bangkok can make a hard man crumble. So just think what an entire week is doing to me.

Currently Jen and I are in Sin City, Thailand. We arrived Saturday and met Jen's former roommate, Lisa, and her husband Tim. This was not a coincidence, as they teach English here in Thailand. However, their hometown is lacking things like go-go dancers, booze, and illegal items, so they were as excited as I was. We all swapped stories and drank beer out of a giant bubble gum machine that they brought to our table. I'll try to include a picture someday. it was awesome.

Next day we saw China town and rode around the river in boats like we were in Miami Vice. We also saw more than our share of dogs humping in the street.

Tim and Lisa had to leave. Jen and I then saw some kick ass temples and buddhas. After cleansing our souls, we bought lots of trademark infringed objects, pirated movies, and other stuff that seemed awesome at the time, but maybe tomorrow won't seem to be the steal that we thought it was.

Today we swapped hotels to something really swank. I celebrated this by buying a T-shirt that said, "Movin on Up" I'm sure this T-shirt was produced illegally. somehow. Tonight the club scene is right near our new hotel, so Jen and I will see if we can make the world our oyster.

One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster
The bars are temples but the pearls ain't free

Ringo and Craig's Xmas Video

2006-12-13T09:29:00.001+08:00

My friend Craig and I were nominated to MC the staff Xmas party here at the International School of Manila. We thus decided to make a documentary video of our preparation for the event. I hope you enjoy it. Special thanks to Kevin for editing. Also thanks to Anna for helping us entertain the people for the remaining 2 hours after our video finished.

My International Music Career

2006-11-28T16:25:00.000+08:00

For the first time since the glory of days of KC and KT (Kansas City and Kevin Taylor) I’m in a band. We’ve had many names: The Whatevers, Powergrade, Sexpatriots, etc. I encourage you to offer suggestions. It is made up of my fellow colleagues and me. (Soula, James, Tricia, and Jen Smith) This is fitting, since my social life strictly revolves around colleagues. Good thing it’s a big school, and filled with great people.

So far we’ve had two gigs. The most recent will perhaps explain my school. It was a foam party held at the high school. If I had suggested “foam party” at any public US high school, everyone would picture some freaky-deaky scene from Cancun, and answer with a resounding “No.” Not at ISM my friends.

Not only was there a foam machine, there was also a stage, a slip-n-slide, 4 gazillion dollars worth of sound and light equipment, inflatable decorations, and roadies to set it all up. I’ve never had anyone installing microphones on my drum before. It was the definition of crazy.

Plus, from what I could tell, everyone was sober. And they remained fully clothed. I’m pretty sure that in the US, neither of those two events would have happened.

Crazy.

Anyway, we played cover songs and it was awesome. We did No Doubt, Jet, Green Day, and my personal favorite, Presidents of the United States of America (Peaches). I’m going to celebrate their entire collection. I recommend you do the same.

Trivia Night and the FPA

2006-11-19T19:51:00.000+08:00

Assuming we are not on strike or taking shelter from Typhoons, Tuesday’s are trivia nights. Our team name is the FPA. As you should know, that stands for Fist Pumping Action. Which obviously means whenever we get a question right, that we exhibit a ridiculous amount of one handed pumping action. Sometimes both hands if we’re especially riled up.*

This would normally cause us to be hated by other teams. Fortunately for them, we don’t get to fist pump very often, as we are not very good. At least not very good at answering questions. However, we win the costume contest every time. We award this prize to ourselves. This is easy to win since no one else dresses up.

Just in case someone decides to challenge us for the costume prize (hard to do since we are also the judges), we switch up our costume weekly. We have also gone as Golf Pros and Tennis Hos, and The Whig Party to name a few.

action photos!

* I have to give citation to the KC based group known as the Boss Tweeds for giving us the idea of turning trivia into a costumed affair, and specifically to Aaron for bringing fist pumping action back into my life.

Why I Live in Manila

2006-11-12T17:37:00.000+08:00

One of the best things about moving to a new place and making new friends is that you can recycle some of your best material. When looking at the picture above (assuming my internet allows it), those of you in the States are probably thinking, “Ho hum. Ringo’s in the astronaut costume again.”

However, at my friend Steve’s 30th birthday, people actually broke into applause for the astronaut costume. The theme of the “fancy dress” party was 60’s and 70’s, but no one expected Neil Armstrong to show up.* Jen and I were immediately facing a half dozen flashing cameras. Sort of like facing the paparazzi for about 30 seconds.

I fully understand if you readers are questioning the part about “applause” and “flashbulbs.” I tend to believe that people are always applauding my actions and taking photos. However, Jen confirmed it. It really happened.

* "Fancy dress" means "costume party" if you hail from the British Commonwealth. I'm not really in the habit of using that term, but i like to sound of it. Almost as much as "Aluminium."

Motorbikes

2006-11-10T19:13:00.000+08:00

I ride a motorbike to work every morning. So does Jen.

If anyone such as Kevin, Dre, Gants, etc is reading this, they’re probably laughing their ass off if they can see the picture. These people either own, or have previously owned a legitimate motorcycle. Mine is certainly not a motorcycle. It only has 110 cc’s, whereas I think a real motorcycle has something like 4 x 106 cc’s. My bike in the US would probably be classified as a “scooter.” I’m ok with that. It is at least shaped like a motorcycle.

Actually it’s shaped like a dirt bike. I know this because the guy who sold it to me, said, in broken English, “This not dirt bike. It look like dirt bike, but if you jump…….” At this point he made a symbol with has hands as if breaking a large branch over his knee. I promised him I would not pretend to be playing Excite Bike.*

It doesn’t really go very fast either. But that’s OK also, because neither does Manila traffic. In a taxi, I could spend 40 minutes traveling 4 miles home after work. Most of this time you are stopped. With a motorbike, you are allowed, actually expected, to simply ride slowly through the stopped cars to the front of the traffic light. It’s a pretty great system.

Jen and I also have extremely large helmets and padded motorcycle jackets. The padded jackets are probably a bit much, especially since it never drops below 75 degrees here. But having big elbow guards makes me kind of feel like Barry Bonds, minus the part about being a douche bag.

* I used to make some pretty rad courses on that game.

Monkey Sex and Cardinal Victories

2006-11-04T17:48:00.000+08:00

After observing monkey sex and lizards in the underground river, we boarded an outrigger boat and set sail for an island paradise. (This is the best opening I’ve ever written.)

Eventually Jen and I arrived at the island paradise resort of El Nido. You can only arrive by boat (although I guess parachute would work as well), and the best part is they play a welcome song for you on the dock as you arrive. Once arrived, your “activity director” sits you down to plan out the following day for you. Then you are shown to your air conditioned room that receives electricity 24 hrs a day (quite a luxury in island paradise). Afterwards, you are allowed to graze the giant buffet lunch served 3 times a day, every day. Then you are allowed to meet with San Miguel, which for you non-Philippine dwellers, is like meeting with Auggie Busch or Pete Coors.

Jen and I were interrupted from our building of true Philipino friendships* by another welcome song. Our colleagues (JB, Tara, Fred, and Sandy) had just arrived. I put their names down because they might read this, and people like to read about themselves. My 4 colleagues promptly told their activities director that they did not want to do any activities except “building true Philipino friendships.” This greatly hurt the feelings of their activities director, which meant the resort disliked my colleagues, but liked me and Jen. We all spent a lot of time with San Miguel on the beach, and even played an ingenious version of bocce ball throughout the resort’s restaurant and bar that involved coconuts and some acrobatics. I did not win, but I heartily thank JB for enlightening me on that game.

Jen and I used our pull to convince the resort to point their satellite skyward every morning, and set up their one television to watch the Cardinals in the World Series. Unbelievably, I was able to watch the final 3 games of St Louis’ greatest moment in sporting history. I fully represented America with a great deal of profanity, high fives, and humping the air in jubilation. You also know that the fist pump was in prime form.

We stopped scuba diving in plenty of time to fly to the next island paradise. (This was key so as not to explode on the airplane.) However, I was a little disappointed in that Sangat Island reserve was no where near as posh as our last home. I sat in my powerless, dark, sweaty hut with dejection. 30 seconds later the monkey parade began! No more than 30 feet from our hut! And what do you think those monkeys did as soon as they realized they had an audience? You guessed it. Monkey sex, Act II. These monkeys (and monitor lizards as well), were around throughout our stay. Pretty awesome until I tried to approach baby monkeys for photograph and the male leader nearly attacked me.

In all truthfulness, the highlight of this island was the scuba diving. Jen and I dove down to see half dozen giant Japanese ships sunk during WWII. Some of them over 2 football fields long. It was crazy shit.

No we are safely back in Manila. No monkeys here, but still plenty of opportunity for building true Philipino friendships.

* This is what every bottle of San Miguel says on it

PS: the picture seen is what happens if you google "monkey, cardinals." It is entitled "Boots the Monkey." I don't know what it is, but I can't stop laughing.

Manila All Star

Switching on Awesometown

5 Seconds of Dance

How to Appear Famous

I Went Through Thailand on a Horse with No Name

How to Make a 5 Minute Chocolate Cake

A One Minute Tour of Awesometown

I Like to Ride my Bicycle, through Holland

Amstergoddam!

Hamburg Ala Gants

Reykjavik has been Rocked

Happy New Year Missouri!

The Year of the Ringo

Family Time in the Dirty South

Red, White and Blue is the New Black

Ringo Sacks the Windy City

Rocking Myself into Exile

When it Rains Too Much, Give Up

My Cristal Life - The Music Video

Ringo Rules Australian Rules

Ringo is Ready to Get Prolific

Craig's Helmet Cam on a Manila Mission

The Helmet Cam

Ringo on Vocals

SCUBA Superhero

Tiny Planes Mean Massive Fun

The Sexpatriots Return to Murphy's

The Hammer Dance Contest

Cool Indian Activity #3: Kite Flying

Cool Indian Activity #2: Pan Chewing

Cool Indian Activity #1: Street Shave

Christmas in India

Ringo in Bollywood

Rockin' the Sitar

Long, Strong, and Down to Get the Friction On*

First Ever Video Footage of the Sexpatrtiots

The Sexpatriots Conquer Manila

Unemployment Rocks Hard

Sexpatriots Declare They Will Turn Pro

The Orangutan Video

Orangutans and Speakers, Together at Last

Stolen From My Head

Sexpatriotism Leads in the Polls!!

Sabotage - The Music Video

Sexpatriots Mania Sweeps Manila!

The Sexpatriots' Debut

Backpacking Awards

Team Ingrate Rocks Iowa Hard

Fueled by Porkchops and Beer

RAGBRAI Preseason

The Upcoming Bike Trip

Backpacking in CO

A Horse Ride in Kentucky

I am an astronaut

The Space Race

Ringo in Paradise

The Award Tour (with Muhammad my Man?*)

Manila Entertainment

Dr. Teeth

Mountain Biking!

How a Rock Star Lives

I Like to Ride my Bicycle

You Spin Me Round (the video!)

Ringo's Beard Competition

Brushing and Shaving

Ringo Loves/Hates Manila

A One Minute Tour of Awesometown

The One Minute House Tour

Ringo's Cinematographic Drawing Board

Even Ninjas Have Families

Konichiwa Monkeytown

Mr. T Gives a Shout-out to Moms

Coup d'etat!!

Marathon = Cancelled

The Greatest Day Ever

It's OK to Hate

Still on the Horse, But I See Mongo Coming

My Physical and Mental Instability

Dingoes and Whores

U Can't Touch This

Konichiwa　Monkeytown